


Unwell

by realmsoffreedom



Series: Unwell [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, F/M, M/M, Rape, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-01-27 20:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 42,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1721174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realmsoffreedom/pseuds/realmsoffreedom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mental hospitals are for kids with problems with self-harm, suicide, anxiety, depression, and mental disorders. When new kid Ashton arrives at the facility, he finds that things there are a lot more broken than they seem. After being there for only a couple hours, he begins to truly realize how much mental disorders and suicidal thoughts can do to people. All the while, the morbidity rate is high- as one by one, patients are being killed- or kill themselves. The cause is unknown to Ashton, but the desire to find out burns in his mind. That’s not to say- his own demons will lay calm for him. When they strike back full force, Ashton’s life takes a nosedive for the worst. His strength will be tested to the limit, and it’s either- fight against his mind…or give up and let them take control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys. This is the mental hospital AU I mentioned in the last chapter of The Only Reason. Know that it's painfully triggering- as I have seen some of these things firsthand, and I write from experience. Also know that this is completely AU. People in this fic at drastically different from their likenesses in real life- and you should all keep that in mind. That being said, enjoy- and kudos/comments to let me know how I did on this would be lovely.

I’m not exactly clear on where I’m being taken, but I know that I don’t want to go.

 

I didn’t want them to find out- not like this, at least. My idea was more along the lines of them finding my dead body- and then feeling the guilt wrap around them- like a blanket on a hot, summer day- overheating them to the point of suffocation. It’s their fault- they are the ones that did this to me. Sure, I’m the one that actually split my skin with the use of a razor-sharp blade, but my parents are the reason why.

 

Pressure- choking pressure has burdened me for so long- and I honestly felt like I was drowning, with no way to get to shore. Actually, felt is the wrong word- I _still_ feel like that. I honestly don’t think the hollow feeling will go away anytime soon. It’s like an icy-cold fist, gripping my heart and squeezing all the emotion out- until I’m left numb and empty.

 

I cut to feel something. I hurt myself because- one, I feel like I deserve it- and two, I need some way to relieve pain. Building all my emotions up until I explode isn’t the right way to go about things- I learned that the hard way. You could say it was the cause of my breaking point. When the pain hit, I was absolutely done- that’s why I tried to commit suicide. I tried to end it for good- the long white scar running down the length of my left forearm is enough of a reminder.

 

My sister found me- the sister who looks up to me- considers me her sole role model- she found me unconscious on my bathroom floor, lying in a pool of my own blood. She’s only got thirteen years in her- she didn’t deserve to see something like that. But that is when everything began to unravel.

 

My secrets became my reality, and everything began to fall apart.

 

“Ash, you know we’re only doing this because we love you, right? It’s what’s best for you.” My mother’s tone is crisp and lacks all emotion. I shouldn’t be surprised- that’s how my parents have always been. All they’ve ever cared about are my grades- only because they want me to get scholarships, so they won’t have to pay for college. That’s it- they really don’t care about my mental health. They just want me to get “fixed”- so I can shift my focus back to schoolwork. I don’t know why I’m surprised- this is typical of them.

 

“Whatever,” I reply bitterly, crossing my arms over my best. “I’ve lost the will to care anymore.”

 

“See, Ashton, those are the thoughts you need to learn to avoid. I don’t know what you even have to be depressed about- your father and I have always given you everything you could ever want- but we’re expecting a significant change in three months.” She pulls into a parking space- and I look out my window- eyes widening at the sight of the unfamiliar building. It almost looks identical to a hotel- but then I see the sign.

 

Riverfront Rehab Clinic.

 

Why am I not surprised? They’re shipping me off to some loony bin because they think I’m crazy. Everyone seems to have this screwed up mentality that there’s something messed up in my head. I’m not crazy- I know that for a fact.

 

I may be broken- my heart shattered- but I can guarantee you that I am not crazy. I’m just a cutter- who attempted suicide- other than the fact that I need a therapist- I honestly don’t think rehab is necessary.

 

“Would you like me to come inside with you?” Sugary sweetness drips from her tone, as my mother glances at me. Her body language shows me that she really couldn’t care less about me anyway- like she’s getting rid of a burden. That’s all I really am to her- a burden weighing her down.

 

“No, I’ve got it. I’ll be fine.” My words lack any type of emotion, as I emerge from the car, and reach into the open truck to grab my suitcases.

 

“I love you, Ash,” my mother says in a monotone. “All four of us do.” The sincerity in her words is almost equal to nothing- which doesn’t cease to surprise me. I’ve always known how little she cares about me- she’s made it evidently obvious. Lauren and Harry obviously hold from priority in her mind. To many- the prospect of their own mother not giving a damn about them would be heartbreaking- but to me, it’s just proof that my suicide attempt wasn’t in vain.

 

I should’ve succeeded.

 

…

 

Walking through the doors of the building elicits wonder in my eyes. It’s huge- white walls and decorative pieces surrounding the room. The lobby itself has some couches and chairs- connecting to a hallway inside the building.

 

“Ashton Irwin?” The lady at the front desk glances at me, pushing her glasses up on the bride of her nose- to get a better look at me.

 

“That’s me,” I mumble, refusing to meet her gaze.

 

“Alright. Welcome to Riverfront- I’m sure you’ll like it here. You’re in room 582. Your roommate is a guy named Luke, but he’s at a therapy session right now- so I’ve got one of the other boys coming down to give you a tour, explain how things work, etc…”

 

“You called, Ms. Simmons?” A tall, skinny boy walks toward us. His hair is quiffed- beach-blonde locks arranged in a spike on top of his head. He’s dressed in a green Abercombie shirt and dark jeans- completing the outfit with black vans and earbuds draped around his neck. His skin is quite pale, much lighter than mine- and looking at how thin he really is creeps me out.

 

“Ah, there you are. Niall, this is Ashton Irwin. He’s new here- and I thought you could show him around a bit. He’s in room 582.” Ms. Simmons says brightly- her tone making me quite uncomfortable. She’s obviously faking happiness.

 

Niall’s facial expression changes. A look of nervousness flashes in his eyes. “He’s sharing with Luke? But…”

 

Ms. Simmons dismisses him with a wave of her hand. “Louis was moved down a floor- Luke needs to get used to the idea that he can’t always get what he wants in life. If he has a problem, tell him that he can take it up with me.” She glances at me- nothing the perplexed look I must have on my face. “Never mind that. Just take Ashton around, please.”

 

Niall nods, turning to me. He holds out a hand. “Nice to meet you, man. I’m Niall Horan.”

 

I reach out and shake his hand firmly. “Thanks, you too. We going?”

 

Another nod of his head is my answer- before I’m being led down the hallway, to an elevator. “This is the lobby, as you could probably tell. We’re on the fifth floor. There’s one floor under the lobby- that’s the restricted floor. It’s for kids who fight treatment. They get sent downstairs, and usually…don’t return.” He shudders at the thought, and my eyes widen.

 

“You mean they…die…?” My voice is hollow- a ghost of a sound, that’s a deep contrast to my usual tone.

 

Niall sighs. “More often than not, I’m afraid. We’re a fucked up bunch, Ashton. Sometimes rehab isn’t even enough. I’ve seen more people kill themselves here- than I ever imagined I’d ever seen in my entire life.”

 

“How long have you been here?”

 

He smiles ruefully. “Around three weeks. And we’ve had around four suicides in that timespan. It’s not pretty, I’ll tell you that much. What are you here for?”

 

“Self-harm addiction. And a suicide attempt,” I reply, shoving my hands in my pockets. “You?”

 

“Bulimia,” Niall says shortly. “And anorexic tendencies. And I’ve cut myself once or twice.”

 

“Isn’t bulimia a girl’s disease?” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them- and I watch Niall’s face change- slight nervousness to anger. A cold sweat breaks out over me- I knew I shouldn’t have said that.

 

He narrows his eyes. “No. Bulimia can be evident in guys as well. I’ve been purging up everything I eat for over a year.”

 

I put my hands up in surrender. “Sorry man, I didn’t mean it.”

 

He snorts. “I’m not going to hit you- don’t look so terrified. Just don’t say shit like that again.”

 

Without giving me a chance to answer, he steps out of the elevator with one of my suitcases. I grab the other one and follow him down the hallway, until he comes to a stop in front of a brown door. A gleaming 582 rests on the wood, and to me- it honestly looks like a hotel room door. This entire place gives off the hotel-esque feel.

 

Niall pushes open the door- I notice that it doesn’t have a lock, which surprises me greatly. They’re seriously that invasive of patients? Not even allowing us to lock our doors? I snap back to reality, as Niall beckons me inside the room. Stepping over the threshold with wide eyes, I survey my surroundings- eyes alert.

 

Niall places my suitcase on the empty bed. The right side of the room is barren- but the left is obviously occupied. The sheets are black- and there are a couple posters on the walls. The shelves are full, and I can see clothes peeking out from the wardrobe.

 

“I’m gonna warn you now, your roommate is Luke. And he’s not the kindest person out there. He and Louis were really close, and he has no idea that Louis has moved, and you’ve taken his place- so don’t be surprised if he acts like an utter asshole.” Niall glances at me, his eyes serious. “Don’t provoke him. An angry Luke is murderous.”

 

My eyes widen. This Luke…he sounds like an enigma. A person with a lot of secrets- a lot to hide. It makes him appeal to me more, honestly. My curiosity has no bounds- once I learn about something- my instinctive nature is to find out everything there is to know about it. I don’t like surprises- nor do I like being stunned or shocked in any way.

 

“Ashton?”

 

My mind snaps back to reality instantaneously. “Yeah?”

 

“I said, wanna take a tour? I’ll show you the ropes.” Niall shoves one of the earbuds back in his ears, and reaches into his pocket- hiking up the volume on his phone.

 

“Yeah. Let’s go.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos, it's nice to know you guys are enjoying this. I'm updating this sporadically- when I finish a chapter, it'll be posted. So, enjoy chapter two.

The tour doesn’t take long, but there is a lot of information to take in. It’s overwhelming- almost. I’m back in my room, lying on my back- staring at the ceiling and letting my thoughts wander. I need a break from reality- at least for a little while.

 

I really don’t understand why I’m here. I cut, and I tried to kill myself. I’m not fucked up in the head- my heart’s just broken. I’ve been hurt more than I can say. That’s why I’m like this.

 

“Who the _fuck_ are _you_?!”

 

An angry, bitter voice jerks me out of my thoughts, and I sit up- ramrod straight- my gaze locking on the body in front of me. This must be Luke.

 

He’s tall, with quiffed blonde hair, and icy blue eyes. A plaid button down shirt and ripped jeans cover his thin frame. Like Niall- he also has a pair of headphones around his neck. The look he’s giving me is full of venom- but it does nothing to faze me.

 

“I’m Ashton. Your new roommate,” I reply, returning his cold stare.

 

His eyes bulge. “New roommate?! What the _fuck_?! Where’s Louis?! What the _fuck_ did you do to him?!”

 

A ball of nervous energy rolls in my stomach. He looks like he could snap my neck in half- I need to be careful with what I say. Choosing my words carefully, I shoot back a reply, my tone tight with nerves. “I don’t know who- or where Louis is. I arrived today, and I was told by Ms. Simmons that this is my room.”

 

“You’re a fucking liar,” Luke growls. “I want to know where my brother is. And I want to know _now_.”

 

I shrug. “Then you’ll have to ask someone who knows- and someone who _cares_. Quite honestly, if he really was your brother, you’d keep better track of him.”

 

Luke stares at me. “Smartass, aren’t we, you dick? I’ll deal with _you_ , later. I’m going to go find talk to Ms. Simmons and find out what the _hell_ you’ve done.” And with that, he turns on his heel, and strides out of the room.

 

“Have fun with that,” I call to his retreating back. “Good luck finding shit.”

 

…

 

“But _where_ is he?! He’s my best friend- my brother- I _deserve_ to know!”

 

Luke’s voice grows closer- full of anger and panic. He’s obviously worried about his friend- and I can respect that. I’ve got a couple friends back home- they’re probably having a field day- panicking about my mysterious disappearance.

 

I fucking _doubt_ my parents have revealed to _anyone_ \- where I am. It would be tainting their spotless reputations- to tell people that their firstborn son is a cutter- a cutter that tried to kill himself- and that he’s in rehab.

 

“Luke, Louis was moved down a floor. He is considered a danger to himself- and by extent- a danger to you. His anger issues have escalated to an all time high- this was mainly an action to keep _you_ safe. He needs to be isolated for a while. It’ll be good for him. He’s fine, I promise.”

 

Ms. Simmons pushes open the door to our room, and leads Luke inside. She glances at me with a small smile, walking Luke over to his bed. He unlocks his gaze from hers for long enough to shoot me a death glare- which elicits absolutely no reaction from me. My tolerance level has shot up to a new height, in the past couple of weeks. Minor things like this cease to get any type of reaction from me.

 

“He wouldn’t hurt me,” Luke says firmly. “He’s my best friend- he needs me. He was getting better in my company.”

 

“I won’t deny that,” Ms. Simmons replies carefully. “But he _was_ a danger to you, Luke. He is gone- end of discussion. Your new roommate- Ashton- is really a very nice boy. If you take some time to get to know him- I’m sure you both will become great friends.”

 

I scoff. Me, nice? Yeah, right. I’m not a nice person in the fucking slightest. I don’t talk to anyone- I prefer to keep to myself. Talking to people means getting attached, and all that leads to is heartbreak and pain and no.

 

 _Man up, Ashton. Stop being a fucking baby- the past is the past, and it’s over. It’s over and done with- stop fucking dwelling on it_.

 

“I’d rather kill myself,” Luke snarls. “Than ever _think_ about being friends with _that_.”

 

…

 

“Ashton?”

 

I glance over, as the room door opens, and Niall steps in. “It’s time for group therapy.” He looks to the other side of the room and sighs. “Any chance you know where Luke is? Or does he hate you already?”

 

“What makes you think so?” I reply, rising to my feet and stretching my arms over my head, “The fact that he called me a _thing_ , not even a person- or the fact that he hates my guts for no goddamn reason?”

 

“Luke’s like that,” Niall mutters. “The only person he was ever nice to was Louis. And occasionally this kid called Zayn- they used to sneak out to smoke, a lot. But they don’t talk that much, either. You’ll get used to it- we’re all in the same boat with him. Louis is the _only_ one- even out of the staff- that’s managed to break Luke’s walls.”

 

“He seems really interesting. I want to get to know him.”

 

Niall shakes his head, as we turn a corner. “You don’t. Just leave Luke alone- he’s not the type of person you want to associate with. He’ll just tear you down- and make you hurt more. His friendship comes with so much sacrifice.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Niall exhales a heavy breath. “We used to be best friends. Until he…” Niall trails off and sighs. “You’ll find out something in a few minutes- at therapy, and I’ll finish the puzzle for you afterward.”

 

…

 

“Alright, as a beginning activity- we’re going to all state your name, age, why we’re here, and how we’re doing today. I’ll start- my name is Madison, I’m 24, here to help you all- and I’m doing wonderfully.”

 

The lady sitting at the head of the circle gives us a sugary-sweet smile, which makes my stomach roll. I didn’t think it was possible for a person to be this happy- unless they’re fucking delirious. After all, happiness is just a ghost of an emotion that people delude themselves into feeling. One can never be truly happy.”

 

“I’m Grace Matthews, I’m 15 years old- here for chronic depression, minor self-harm, and suicidal thoughts- and I guess I’m okay.” The girl next to Niall speaks softly, and Niall reaches over to grab her hand, squeezing lightly and beginning to draw invisible patterns on her skin. She leans into him, and he smiles faintly. Is she his girlfriend…? They look very close, and that stirs up wonder in me.

 

“I’m Niall Horan, 16 years old, bulimic with anorexic tendencies. I’ve also self-harmed before- and I’m doing good,” Niall says easily, shooting me a reassuring smile. That’s when I realize- all eyes are on me. It’s my turn.

 

“Uh…I’m Ashton Irwin, 16 years old. I’m a self-harmer, and I’ve tried to kill myself. I guess I’m alright…” I choke out, extremely surprised that my anxiety didn’t throw itself in the way, like it usually does.

 

The other kids follow suit, giving details in a monotone- before slumping back in their chairs, and staring at me with wide- beady eyes. I assume it’s because I’m new, and goddamn, everyone wants to get a load of the new freakshow.

 

Luke is the last to go- the entire time, he’s been glaring at us with his arms crossed over his chest. “Luke. 16. Schizophrenic, suicidal, cutter. And I’m fucking done with this goddamn therapy session.”

 

…

 

“Ashton, this is Michael Clifford. He’s my roommate.”

 

Niall stands next to a boy that looks just as pale as he does- dark-haired with streaks of blue throughout. “Nice to meet you, Ashton. You can call me Mike or Mikey, everyone else does.” He holds out a hand, smiling faintly at me.

 

“Same here,” I reply nervously, reaching out to grasp his hand.

 

“How’re you doing, mate?” Michael asks kindly. “You look scared as all hell.”

 

I chuckle humorlessly. “Honestly? A blade would be damn amazing right now- but I doubt I’ll be able to have one, so I guess I’m doing fucking awful.”

 

Michael nods in sympathy. “Yeah, sorry man. Nothing sharp, pointy, or able to be used as a weapon- something to hurt yourself with. I’ve been here a couple weeks, and I’m a cutter too- withdrawal’s the worst- it’s fucking hell for the first few weeks.”

 

“Oh, joy.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Is this really necessary?”

 

I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut- preventing tears from escaping. I see what Niall meant- honestly, about how much of an asshole Luke really is. I’ve been stuck in a room with him for fifteen minutes, and he’s already about to make me cry- from his rude remarks, to how he criticizes my every move. It’s funny- how someone you barely know can have that much of an impact on you.

 

“Well, I kinda fucking hate you,” Luke says smoothly, burying his face back in the small notebook on his lap. “It’s your fault that they took my brother away.”

 

“How?! _How_ is that _my_ fault?!” I raise my body into a sitting position, glaring at him.

 

“They had to move him, to make room for _you_.”

 

“They had to move him because of apparent anger management issues,” I grumble. “Your brother is probably bipolar, and had a fucking episode, so he was sent downstairs. Any logical person would understand that, but you’re obviously seriously fucked up in the head- for you not to know _shit_. All you’re doing is triggering me, for your fucking information. And goddamn, maybe Louis' gone because you triggered him to the point of him breaking?”

 

“Take that back,” Luke growls. His face has paled to a ghostly white, and he’s honestly scaring me, but I can’t back down now. “Take that back right fucking _now_.”

 

“No,” I say- my tone confident. I’m shaking on the inside, trying not to break under his vicious glare.

 

And the next thing I know, Luke’s fist is slamming into my face.

 

…

 

“Oh my god, Ashton, what the _fuck_ happened?!”

 

Niall rushes over to my as soon as he sees me, his eyes wide with worry. “Your eye, holy hell…who did this to you?”

 

“Who do you think?” I mutter, wincing. “He gave me a black eye, god fucking dammit I’m going to kill that bastard.”

 

“Whoa okay, calm down.” Niall holds his hands up in surrender, kneeling beside me. “Damn, it’s a real shiner. The nurses are _not_ gonna be happy when they see it.”

 

“Great. Something _else_ to look forward to. God, I don’t even know why I’m fucking here. This place is fucked up.” I rest my head in my hands, paying no attention to Niall's reaction.

 

“Because you need help, Ashton,” Niall says softly.

 

I lift my head up to glare at him. “Don’t give me that bull. We all know that if you had the choice, you’d run as far away from this hellhole as you could get.”

 

“Maybe I would,” Niall replies. “But maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe I’d stay, because quite damn honestly, I _don’t_ want to die. And if I had continued on the path I was on, I probably _would’ve_ died.”

 

“You don’t want to die, and that’s great. Be happy you’re not suicidal. But I _do_ want to die. I want to die more than fucking anything. My suicide attempt should’ve worked.”

 

Niall sighs. “That’s why you’re in here, Ash. You’re on suicide watch for a reason.”

 

“What the _hell_ does that mean?!”

 

“It means that you’re being monitored at all times,” Niall says. “They won’t let you out, you can’t do anything without someone else in the room, basically you’re considered a danger to yourself.”

 

“How did _you_ know before I even did?” I ask, still not exactly wrapping my head around the whole suicide watch bullshit.

 

“That bracelet on your arm?” I glance down at the red paper loop, playing with it a bit. “That tells people you’re on suicide watch.”

 

“So they tagged me. That’s fucking wonderful. Now everyone knows how screwed up I am,” I say bitterly.

 

Niall shakes his head. “A lot of us have them. Luke’s always got one on his wrist.”

 

“Fuck that bastard. He can rot in hell, for all I care. He’s been nothing but an asshole to me ever since I got here, and I haven’t _done_ anything to him!”

 

…

 

“Luke, we need to talk.”

 

I roll my eyes, writing something down in my notebook. “Yeah, right. Fuck off, Niall. I’m not in the mood.”

 

“I don’t fucking care,” Niall persists, taking a seat on my bed. “I’m talking, whether you listen or not is your choice.”

 

“Whatever.” I flip him off, my face still buried in my notebook, as lyrics flow from my pen.

 

“You need to leave Ashton the fuck alone.”

 

I look up at him. “Why does it matter to you? Last time we checked, you’re not his goddamn babysitter, and _we’re_ not friends anymore.”

 

“Because you’ve fucked me over too many times for me to be friends with you,” Niall replies icily. “Why are you such an ass, Luke? You would’ve had people to help you. But now, everyone hates you, and when you break, you’ll have fucking _no one_.”

 

“I had Louis,” I protest, dropping my head again. “And he was more than all of you assholes combined.”

 

“Oh, so that’s why he’s down in suicide central?”

 

“Don’t call it that,” I warn. “And he is not going to fucking die. That’s bullshit, he’ll fight.”

 

Niall's eyes widen. “You really are an ass, you know that? You don’t care about Louis, _or_ his recovery. You just want him back here so _you_ can get back under the radar. Everyone’s hyperactive on you, and you can’t take it. You use Louis as your damn escape. I don’t even think he’s your real friend. It’s probably bullshit, like everything else is to you.”

 

“Get out,” I growl. “Get out of my fucking room before I _make_ you.”

 

“I’ll go,” Niall says smoothly. “But you have to promise me that you’re going to leave Ashton _alone_. He’s a fucking mess, he has enough shit to deal with, and he doesn’t need you breathing down his back with every move he makes. Leave him _alone_.”

 

“Are you trying to make a _deal_ with me? _I_ make the deals!”

 

“Y’know, Luke, you think you’re some sort of big shot because you have power over even the goddamn _nurses_ , but you have _nothing_ on me. You’re a fucking asshole, that’s all you are, and guess what? I’m not scared. You may have all the nurses and everyone here bowing down at your feet, but I am not fucking scared of you.”

 

…

 

“Ashton?”

 

I glance up, sighing. “Don’t tell me Niall sent you. I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone right now.”

 

“He didn’t,” Michael replies. “I came here because I heard the conversation you had with him, and I wanted to talk to you. And also…you’re itching for a blade, aren’t you?”

 

“Don’t tempt me,” I beg. “Please don’t tempt me, I’m so addicted, and I fucking need one. Please don’t.”

 

Michael shakes his head. “Nah, man, I’m not that cruel. Come with me. I’ll help you out.”

 

I really don’t have anything to lose, so I pull my earbuds out, slipping them and my phone into my pocket- and rise to my feet. Following Michael out the door, I glance at my surroundings, not exactly sure where he’s taking me.

 

“Here,” Michael says, after a few minutes of walking. I look around- we’re standing on a wooden bridge, a river rushing below us. I can see the building in the distance, so I know we’re not too far from Riverfront.

 

“Why’d you bring me here?” I ask, leaning on the railing.

 

“Take this,” Michael replies. He’s clutching something in his palm, and once he uncurls his fingers, my eyes widen. In his palm, is a small, razor-sharp blade. It gleams with release, the shiny surface staring up at me invitingly.

 

“Where did you get this? And why are you giving it to me?” I ask, refraining from snatching it from him.

 

“Pencil sharpener. We’re forced to do online school here, but sometimes we can ask to use a pencil and paper for essays, and y’know, I purposefully broke a lot of pencils, to get like, five sharpeners. And I’m giving it to you because I know what it’s like, and goddamn, it hurts.”

 

“Won’t I get caught?”

 

Michael shakes his head. “That’s why I brought you here. As of right now, you and I are the only ones that know about this place. The nurses will never know, just when you get inside, hide that. Under your bed, in a drawer under some of your crap, anywhere. Just don’t make it visible, and don’t have it on you. They check you twice a day, and if they find it, you’ll be in big trouble.”

 

“Thank you,” I whisper. “Thank you so much.” I take the blade from him, and slip it in the pocket of my sweatshirt, running my fingers over the sharp metal- enjoying the feeling of relief that flows through me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry the update took so long. I've been busy, and I just had a spark of inspiration, so this is actually hot off the press. And yes, Luke is an asshole, and he's going to be that way for a while, but he does have a good reason. His past...well, that'll be explained in future chapters, same with Michael, Niall, and even things about Ashton you didn't know. And yes, the rest of 1D will make an appearance soon enough. As for Calum, well, you'll see. xD Anyways, thanks for reading, comments and kudos would make me very happy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a Mashton chapter, pretty heavy on Mikey. It's not pretty, I'll tell you that much. Enjoy.

Michael sighs. “It’s shit, isn’t it? Relying on a blade for relief?”

 

“All I’ve ever known,” I reply, staring out at the deep blue night-sky. “I don’t know how else to cope.”

 

“There are other ways,” he mutters. “Some good, others even more dangerous than this. It all depends on the person. Everyone copes different. Ni's idea of coping is gagging himself. He likes the pain that throwing up blood brings.”

 

“I just…I don’t know anymore. Like, what I’m going to do. It’s kinda just…it feels like everyone is against me. And god, rooming with Luke isn’t fun, either…”

 

Michael glances at me. “When has life ever been easy, Ash? It’s always gonna be shit, even if you do recover and get yourself outta here. You’ll never truly recover from this. Not gonna lie, Luke isn’t the easiest person to get along with, but his life has never been a piece of cake. That kid has been through more than you think- his reaction is completely normal.”

 

“You know about his past?”

 

He shakes his head. “All I know is that he’s been through some really traumatizing and rough shit. Louis is the _only_ person who knows about his past. Not even the doctors and nurses can crack him. He’s shut himself down emotionally- built so many walls up, and they’re absolutely unbreakable.”

 

We lapse into silence for a while, and I just stare at the rushing water below the bridge. It’s constant- the river can only flow one way, and it won’t ever stop. Something constant- I really haven’t seen that in a while. It seems like my life is a myriad of twists and turns- and just when I think it’s starting to look up- life throws another curveball, and I’m tossed into orbit again.

 

Michael breaks the silence after a few moments. “Mind if I have a smoke?”

 

I shake my head. “No, not really. But that shit can kill you, you know that, right?”

 

Michael pulls a cigarette from the package in his hand, and lights it quickly, inserting it into his mouth. He blows out a ring of smoke, before speaking once again. “When did that become a bad thing?”

 

“You’re suicidal?”

 

“Ash, it’s very rare that cutters aren’t suicidal. When you cut yourself, there’s _always_ the lingering risk that you could go too deep, and after a while…you start to not care. Like, the prospect of cutting too deep is high, but I’ve stopped caring, honestly. So yeah, I am suicidal. I’m in here for pretty much the same reason you are. Like I said, we’re more alike than you think.”

 

“I tried to kill myself,” I say bitterly. “And it didn’t work.”

 

“Obviously, otherwise you wouldn’t be standing here,” Michael replies. “And I know what you mean, you’re wishing it did work, because you honestly believe that no one would care if you were gone. Believe me, I get it. My past is fucked up in every way possible- life’s shit.”

 

“Join the club,” I mutter. “Hey, you don’t mind if I use the blade right now, do you?”

 

“I don’t,” Michael grunts. “But I’d wait until we get back inside. Cut your thighs- they’re least likely to check there, since you only have a history of cutting your wrists. If they find out that you’re still cutting, you get put in isolation, and trust me, it is _not_ a good time.”

 

“Damn,” I sigh, closing my eyes briefly. “I fucking hate this place.”

 

“Better than being at home.” Michael exhales another cloud of smoke. “But _anything_ is better than being at home, at least in my case.”

 

His face slackens, and he just stares blankly at the wooden railing of the bridge- eyes unfocused.

 

“You don’t have to tell me, if it makes you uncomfortable,” I assure him, continuing to run my fingers over the blade.

 

“It’s fine,” Michael sighs. “Just…Niall's the only one who knows about my past. Please…don’t tell anyone…”

 

I nod immediately. “You can trust me.”

 

Michael looks over at me. “I really hope I can. Hope I’m not making a big mistake, telling you this.”

 

He glances down at the rushing water below us. “My mother is dead. She died giving birth to me- apparently she lost too much blood. According to my aunt, there were complications throughout her entire pregnancy- they knew the birth wouldn’t be easy. I dunno exactly, but that’s what I’ve been told. But my father hates me because of it. He always has- according to him, I killed my mother. He blames me entirely for her death- despite being told even by the doctors, that there was nothing to be done. I had no control either, but he refuses to listen to anyone.”

 

“Oh god, Mike…I’m so sorry…” I whisper, feeling a sense of dread creep into my stomach. I can’t imagine what that must be like for him…

 

Michael shakes his head. “Don’t interrupt. Save it till the end, yeah? Otherwise I probably won’t be able to go on. It’s taking a lot of courage to tell you this, comfort will only break me. And you have nothing to apologize for. This wasn’t your fault at _all_.”

 

I nod slightly, and he takes a deep breath. “My father is an alcoholic. A drug addict. Heroin is his life now. He doesn’t work anymore; he was fired because he never showed up. His life revolves around beer and needles. At night, he’s out getting drunk, and during the day, he’s shooting heroin into his arm and getting high. It’s rare that he isn’t high as a kite or shitfaced drunk off his ass- and that just fuels his hatred for me. And when he isn’t drinking himself silly, or shooting narcotics into his arms…” I can see him visibly shaking, but I know he doesn’t want me to intervene, so I stay silent. “He’s beating me. My father is abusive, yeah. It started when I was four or five, and it stopped when I came here. This place- through I may hate it with a passion- was kinda my escape from him.”

 

“There are scars all over my body, and I can barely talk to someone without fucking it up. My father has broken my bones, my heart, and my spirit. I’m depressed, suicidal, a cutter, and my anxiety is skyrocketing. I dyed my hair this color and shit, because this is how I want to look. Emo. So people won’t fuck with me. I can’t get attached to anyone. I’ve learned my lesson about that.”

 

“Niall is the only person I’ve really been comfortable around. Maybe it’s because he was the first person to really understand me, but…”

 

“But you’re not all angry, like Luke?”

 

Michael rolls his eyes. “I’m broken, Ash. And yeah, pissed off at the world, but where is being an asshole gonna get me? I’ve had someone hate my guts my entire life, not really up to making more enemies. I keep to myself, and people get the hint. Just the way I want it.”

 

“That’s fucking horrible, man,” I sigh. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

 

Michael forces a smile. “Thanks.” He sighs heavily, staring at the ground. “Could you go find Niall and bring him here? Please? Just tell him that I need him.”

 

“Of course.”

 

…

 

When he sees Niall, Michael just seems to break. He throws himself into the other boy’s arms, just shaking. Telling me all the bullshit he’s been through had to be beyond difficult, no doubt about it.

 

Niall catches him easily, hugging him tightly. “It’s okay, Mikey, shh. Calm down, that was amazing, what you did. You’re okay. I have you, calm down.” He glances up at me, eyes dark. “He’ll be okay. His past is just…awful, and he’s haunted by so many memories.”

 

I sigh, looking downward, hanging my head. My problems feel miniscule, compared to the utter _hell_ Michael’s been through. I’ve just been under parental pressure, but his father has beaten him senseless. There’s a gapping margin between the two…and I guess I just feel…worthless…for complaining, when he’s had it _so_ much worse.

 

“You okay, Ash?” Niall asks gently. “That wasn’t easy to hear, I get it.”

 

I chuckle humorlessly. “I think the priority right now, is whether _he’s_ okay.”

 

Niall shakes his head. “Mikey’s important, yeah. But I’ve got him; he’s going to be fine. He’s already calming down. You’re not fine, Ash. I can see it in your eyes. You think that your problems don’t matter, because they’re small compared to his, right?”

 

My eyes widen. “How’d you know?”

 

He sighs. “Because I felt the same way, when he first told me his story, as well. Michael’s really strong, Ash. But just because he’s gone through a lot more than we have- it doesn’t downgrade the demons we face. Everyone’s problems are different- and what’s big to you, is big to you. You’re allowed to be upset, you’re allowed to feel pain from your own demons- no matter how big or small they may be, and no one- and I mean _no one_ \- can take that away from you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this chapter focuses more on Luke, and you meet a character that has been mentioned quite a few times, but has never actually appeared in the story.

“Luke?”

 

Mrs. Simmons enters my room, but I don’t make a move to acknowledge her. Instead, I hike up the volume on my laptop, and pull one of my earbuds out. She takes that as a sign to start talking.

 

“I have a surprise for you, if you’re up to it.”

 

She’s caught my attention now. I glance up at her, my eyes searching hers. “Hm?”

 

“Would you like to visit Louis?”

 

I freeze. Staring at her in shock, not actually believing what she’s just said. “W-What?”

 

“Louis has been doing really well downstairs, he’s allowed to have visitors. Would you like to go?”

 

I nod immediately, abandoning my laptop and grabbing my phone. “Please, let’s go,” I mutter impatiently. I really need to see Louis- it’s not a matter of just wanting him anymore. I need to feel his presence.

 

“Alright, come along then.”

 

I follow her out into the lobby, and into an elevator. She presses a button, before the life begins to drop. I lean my head against the wall, closing my eyes briefly. I can’t believe this is even real right now. I’m actually getting to see my brother, and I really need to. I’ve gotten really…bad…in the past couple of weeks, so to speak.

 

I don’t mean to be an asshole- really- I don’t. My life has just been a road of twists and turns and everyone leaves me, so I don’t like getting attached. I can’t have my heart broken again; it’s already shattered into unfixable pieces.

 

When the elevator doors reopen, Mrs. Simmons leads me down a long hallway, and into another lobby. She guides me down a series of hallways, until we finally stop at a door. I glance at her warily, my eyes searching.

 

“He’s expecting you, Luke,” Mrs. Simmons says gently. “Go ahead in.”

 

…

 

I push open the door, and step hesitantly into the room, my eyes wandering.

 

“Lukey?”

 

I freeze. Louis is sitting on his bed, one headphone in. He’s typing something on his laptop, but when I entered, he pushed it off to the side.

 

“Louis…” I whisper. “Oh god, Lou…”

 

“Are you gonna come over here and hug me, or just stand there like a blathering idiot?”

 

“Oh god, Louis…” I repeat, practically running to the bed. I run straight into his arms, throwing myself into his chest and burying my face in the crook of his neck. “Lou…”

 

“Is my name all you can say?” Louis chuckles, kissing the top of my head. “How’ve you been, Lukey?”

 

“Fine,” I mutter. “You? What got you put in here, Lou? Was it me…? Did I do something wrong? I thought I was helping you…”

 

Louis shakes his head. “It’ll _never_ be your fault, baby. But we’ll talk about that later. Right now, I wanna cuddle.” He pulls me onto the bed, and into his lap.

 

“Lou, I’m not a child…” I whine, trying to scoot away from him.

 

Louis rolls his eyes. “You’re two years younger than me. And I _like_ cuddling with my Lukey, sue me for it.”

 

“Believe me, I wanna stay like this forever,” I reply, my voice cracking on the last word.

 

“Luke.” Louis lifts my head and looks into my eyes. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

 

“Nothing, I’m okay. You’re the one down on the restricted floor.”

 

Louis sighs. “The restricted floor is a fancy name for isolation, Lukey. I’m not getting any special treatment. I’m just isolated from everyone, all I have is a laptop and headphones, they monitor me all the time. There’s a camera in here, and there are no sharp things anywhere near me. That’s it. So now that we’re done talking about me, I think you should tell me what the hell’s been going on with you.”

 

“Just the usual, I guess,” I mumble, burying my face in his shoulder. “Pissed off at everyone. And my new roommate’s a dick.”

 

“Is he _really_ a dick, or have you just been an ass to him? Have you given him a chance, Lukey?”

 

I refuse to answer, breathing in his scent and pressing impossibly closer to him.

 

“You gotta talk to me, Lukey,” Louis chides gently. “Talk to me, otherwise I’m not letting you cuddle. I’ll only hold you if you tell me what’s been going on with you.”

 

“I dunno,” I whisper. “M’just fucked up.”

 

“You’re not, Luke, don’t you dare say that,” Louis replies firmly, placing another kiss to my head. “I love you.”

 

“No one else does,” I whimper. “Everyone hates me, Loui, because they think I’m a cunt and this rude, obnoxious person, but I’m not! It just hurts and I can’t let anyone in because they’ll leave and I can’t get hurt again and I know I’m being mean but I don’t know how to do anything else! She never taught me, Loui, she abandoned me and I don’t know what to do anymore!”

 

“Luke,” Louis says gently. “You gotta calm down, baby. You’re panicking- you need to relax, I’m right here. I love you for who you are. You have reason to be upset, it’s alright baby. Please don’t work yourself up, you’re just gonna trigger your anxiety.”

 

“It hurts, Louis, I need you. That’s why I was so angry when they moved you, I need you to be okay.”

 

“I know, shhh,” Louis murmurs. “I know that moving me down here fucked everything up for you, but you need to listen to me. I’ve got anger management issues, love. I’d rather be down here, than end up going off on you. You’re fragile, baby. I’m working hard to get better for you. And then they’ll move me back upstairs, and we’ll be good, yeah? You’re gonna be fine. But I really think you should talk to someone…tell someone else what you’ve been through, so they know how to help.”

 

“No,” I force out. “I don’t trust them. Not like you. They’re gonna hurt me, I know it. You’re the only person I can trust.”

 

“And I’m flattered, Lukey,” Louis replies. “But you might not be able to visit me every day, and you know how much I worry about you. If you break, they won’t know how to help. You gotta tell someone.”

 

“What if I tried to kill myself? They’d put me down here too, I could be with you,” I suggest desperately, my eyes wild.

 

Louis stiffens. “Luke, _no_. Don’t you _dare_. If you do that, they won’t put you down here with me. They’ll isolate you. You’ll _never_ be able to visit me.”

 

“What if it happens accidentally?”

 

Louis stares at me. “Roll up your sleeves.”

 

“Louis, I…”

 

“I’m not kidding, Luke. Let me see your arms.”

 

I sigh, pulling up my right sleeve, and holding my arm out in front of him. Louis’ eyes widen at the amount of fresh cuts, criss-crossing to create intricate patterns. It’s sickeningly beautiful. Dropping his gaze, I retract my arm and cover it back up, resting my head on his chest.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Louis exhales a heavy breath. “Don’t be sorry. It’s her, isn’t it? She’s making you do this to yourself?”

 

A dry sob escapes my throat, and he sighs, taking that as an affirmation. He pulls me closer, dropping a kiss on my hair. “I know it hurts. I know you’ll never be able to forget what she’s done to you, but you can’t beat yourself over it. She’s scum of the fucking earth; she doesn’t deserve your misery. She doesn’t deserve your tears, baby, she doesn’t.”

 

“I hate her,” I whisper. “I hate her so much, but she raised me and even though she hurt me…it just…”

 

“I know,” Louis replies. “I know.”

 

“Can I just lay here for a while? I don’t want to go back up there. Ashton- my new roommate- is gonna be there, and I can’t face him after…”

 

“What’d you do? C’mon, you can tell me.”

 

“I punched him. Gave him a black eye…”

 

“Oh, Luke…” Louis sighs. He scoots back to lean against his pillows, and I move so I’m sitting between his legs, leaning back onto his chest. “You know you can’t do that…”

 

“I didn’t mean it…he implied it was _my_ fault you’re in here…but all I’ve been to him is an asshole, since we got here. I accused him of having something to do with your disappearance, before I knew what happened…he had every right to accuse me…”

 

“Lukey…”

 

“I’m so fucked up, I’m sorry…”

 

“Hey,” Louis says gently. “Listen to me. You are _not_ fucked up. You’re so fragile and broken, and god, that fucking terrifies me, but you will never be fucked up. You’re my brother, and I love you. Nothing will _ever_ change that.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you guys jump to any conclusions, Louis and Luke's relationship is strictly platonic. It's a brotherly relationship, and nothing more. Anyway- thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so this chapter is completely unedited- it's late, and I wanted to get something out for you guys as a thank you for being absolutely wonderful. And hey, you meet two more important characters in this chapter, so there's a plus, right? Anyways, enjoy, and thank you all so much for the support- it's amazing to see so many of you enjoying this.

“Luke, you have five more minutes.”

 

I sigh, cuddling closer into Louis’ chest. “Don’t wanna leave you.”

 

“I don’t want you to go either, love,” Louis murmurs. “But you’re gonna be okay. You’ll be fine, I promise.”

 

“I dunno…I’m a mess without you, Lou…so fucking angry…”

 

Louis exhales a heavy breath, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Listen to me. You are going to be _fine_. I have at most, two more weeks down here. And then they’ll move me back, and we can go back to normal. You just gotta hang in there, Lukey. It’s all going to be fine, I promise.”

 

“Everyone hates me,” I whisper.

 

“No one hates you, baby. You’re just pushing everyone away. I know what she did to you wasn’t okay, but sweetheart, you need to move on. Let her go, she’s out of your life for good. Make friends with Ashton. Maybe he can help you.”

 

“I don’t wanna make friends with him. I don’t want him to hurt me, Loui. He’s friends with Niall…I can’t…”

 

Louis sighs again, kissing the side of my head gently. “You could make up with him as well. You and Niall were inseparable at one point.”

 

“He blames me for the fall of our friendship, but it was his fault too,” I whimper. “He hurt me too, I’m not the only bad guy here.”

 

“I know, baby, I know,” Louis murmurs. “Just try to be nicer to people, yeah? Try, please…I hate seeing you like this.”

 

“I’ll try my best,” I mutter. Sitting up, I whirl around to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

 

“Luke, time’s up. You need to get back upstairs for dinner.”

 

A wave of panic floods through me, and I cling tighter onto Louis- effectively choking him. He gasps- loosening my grip- before taking both my hands in his, and looking into my eyes. “You’re gonna be fine, Lukey. It’s only temporary, and then I’ll be back with you, and everything will start going back to normal. Just hang in there, yeah? For me. And remember, I love you with everything in me, and if you feel like everyone hates you- you’ll always have that one person that doesn’t. And that person is- and always will be- me. So please, try to relax, try not to be an asshole to more people, and just go with everything?”

 

“O-Okay…” I sigh, as Louis kisses my forehead.

 

“Good. I love you, Lukey.”

 

“Love you too.”

 

…

 

“Hi, I’m looking for Ashton Irwin? Can you tell me where I can find him?”

 

I know that voice. I would know that voice anywhere- it’s so damn familiar, but I haven’t heard it since I was dragged here.

 

“Oh god, Ash…”

 

My head snaps up, and I look directly into the eyes of the person standing two feet away from me. My eyes widen, and I jump to my feet, rushing toward him. “Cal?”

 

Calum holds his arms out, and I run into them, squeezing him tightly. “Calum,” I murmur into his shoulder, breathing in his scent. Calum is my brother- not biologically- but he’s just as much of a brother as Harry is, to me. He’s saved me countless times- kept my secrets- he’s my best friend.

 

“What the hell happened to your eye? And more importantly- how have you been? How’s this place? What’s it like?” Calum asks. I feel him press his lips to my hair, and sigh softly. I’ve missed him so much.

 

I roll my eyes. “A kid punched me. My roommate, to be specific. And this place is shit. My roommate…he hates my guts for no damn reason. He’s making it blatantly obvious…the blade was in my mind the entire time he was talking.”

 

Calum stiffens. He grabs my shoulders, forcing me to look straight at him. “Want me to kill him for you?” He swallows hard, another question going off in his head. He glances at me wildly, face paling. You haven’t cut since you got here, have you?”

 

“I’d be lying, if I said I hadn’t,” I say quietly, hanging my head. “I’m so sorry, Cal.”

 

“Don’t be,” Calum whispers. “Please, don’t be. You shouldn’t have to apologize for trying to cope with the terrors of your mind. Now, cutting isn’t the most _ethical_ way to deal with your problems, but I know that you’re going to get better. It’s going to be amazing, Ash. You’ll finally be happy- and you can truly enjoy life. Trust me, the first thing we’re doing when you get out of here- is buying a flat for the two of us. You can get away from the assholes you call parents, and I don’t have to worry about whether or not my mother has had enough to give her alcohol poisoning.”

 

“She’s still drinking?” I ask, the question flying through my lips before I have the chance to stifle it.

 

Calum sighs. “Yeah. Don’t worry about it. I came to visit _you_ , Ash. How come your parents didn’t tell me? I had to practically _force_ it out of them, and trust me- I think they fucking hate me now.”

 

“Because they don’t want everyone to know that their firstborn is a fuck up,” I say bitterly, burying my head in my hands. Calum’s grip on me tightens, and he uses both hands to lift my head, so I can look into his eyes.

 

“You are _not_ a fuck up, Ashton,” Calum says firmly. “And if I _ever_ hear you call yourself that again, I will personally strangle you.”

 

“No you won’t,” I protest, kissing his cheek. “You love me too much to lay a damn finger on me.”

 

Calum chuckles. “I know. But bluffing is kinda fun. But seriously, Ash…I’m so fucking sorry you had to be put in here. I had no idea everything was this bad- no idea that you had fallen so hard. I’m sorry, I could’ve helped you- could’ve done something to calm your mind a bit.”

 

He sounds so heartbroken, and it makes me feel so damn bad for him. He shouldn’t be apologizing for something that was completely out of his control, and in no way his fault.

 

“Thank you for coming,” I whisper. “I really needed to see you. I’ve been going fucking crazy, in here.”

 

…

 

“I’m here to see Luke.”

 

I stand in front of Mrs. Simmons’ desk, my eyes searching hers. “Can he have visitors?”

 

She nods slightly. “He can. But he is in a bit of a state- he was pretty upset earlier, so I ask that you don’t stress him out. Keep him calm, but I’m sure that’ll be easy for you. He responds well to you, which is very good. He’s up in his room, you can go on in.”

 

“Thank you,” I say, taking the visitor’s pass from here, and walking quickly down the hall. I step into the elevator, and press the correct button, before leaning back against the wall- hands shoved in my pockets.

 

When the elevator reopens, I step out and walk toward Luke’s room. He has no idea I’m coming- I wanted to surprise him. He seems to be really upset- especially these past few days- and I think a visit from me will do him good. He needs to have familiar people- that love and care about him- by his side. It’s the only way he’ll be able to get better.

 

I push open the door to his room, not bothering to knock, and my heart breaks when I see him. He’s lying on his bed- headphones in- with tears streaking his cheeks. A sob wracks his body- he hasn’t seen me yet- and he’s left shaking, trembling furiously.

 

The boy in the other bed is unfamiliar- and I’m immediately alert. Where the _fuck_ is Louis? What happened to him? Who the hell is this other kid?

 

“Who are you?”

 

The other kid looks at me warily, and that catches Luke’s attention as well. He shoots up in bed, his eyes wide. “Hazza,” he whispers, speed walking toward me. He walks straight into my arms, and I hug him tight, not daring to let him go.

 

“Hey buddy,” I say, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “How’ve you been?”

 

“Not good,” he whispers. “You’re wondering where Lou is, aren’t you?”

 

“Yeah,” I reply, running a hand through his hair. “Where is he?”

 

“Restricted floor,” Luke mumbles. “He had an episode- he’s been put into isolation. It’s okay- I saw him this afternoon. He’s doing a lot better- said that they’ll move him back soon. I just…I’ve gotten real bad, without him, and thank god you came…I needed to see you…”

 

“Well I’m here,” I reply softly. “And I’m not going anywhere. But hey, who’s the kid that’s taken Lou’s place?”

 

“His name is Ashton,” Luke mutters. “He and I…don’t get along…”

 

“Oh…” I sigh. I glance over to where Ashton is sitting. He looks nervous- as if I’m going to yell or hit him. What has Luke done…what has he said that makes Ashton look so scared…? The question pangs in my mind, as I begin to speak. “Ashton, it’s good to meet you. I’m Harry. Harry Styles. Luke’s friend. It’s okay- I’m not going to hurt you- you don’t have to look so scared of me.”

 

Ashton nods slightly. “Okay. Nice to meet you as well. I’m just gonna go…see if Niall or Mikey wanna hang out…” He gets to his feet quickly, and leaves the room in a rush- his face still showing signs of fear and worry.

 

“Alright,” I say. “Let’s cuddle, Lukey.”

 

“Thank you,” Luke replies, as I lead him over to his bed. I climb on, opening my arms for him- an embrace that he melts into. Sighing, I kiss his head. “Thank you for coming, Hazza. I needed to see you.”

 

“You’re welcome, love,” I reply. “Now, would you mind telling me what you’ve done to make Ashton so fucking terrified?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...heavy trigger warnings for self-harm and suicide in the first part of this chapter- and trigger warning for bulimia in the second part. Hope you guys enjoy. Also, something I'd like to add- Niall's story is based off something that happened with one of my former friends, something similar that she did to me. It's kinda personal and really hits home, and I thought you guys might wanna know that my "secret" if you can even call it that, is experience. A lot of these characters are loosely based off me and people in my life.

I guess I’ve done a pretty good job of appearing okay. It’s been fairly easy to pretend that I’m getting better. After all- hiding all of this from my parents wasn’t an easy feat- they only found out about my depression, suicidal thoughts, and cutting after my suicide attempt. To be honest, that suicide attempt wasn’t actually very long ago- about a month ago, to be exact. It’s still fresh in my mind.

 

I hit an all time low that day. Pun not intended, guys. But yeah, that was my record for lows, and goddamn, I was bad. The depression, suicide, and worthless tags on Tumblr had become my home- it’d escalated to a point where I was scrolling through the tags, crying, and cutting as I saw image after image- mainly of bloody wrists, ledges, train tracks- anything related to suicide.

 

I didn’t actually intend on attempting suicide. I was just in an awful place, my mind wouldn’t leave me alone- and all I could think about was relief. I needed it, and I was desperate. So the blade was my immediate go-to. Calum told me that there were other things I could’ve tried- taking to him, snapping a rubber band against my wrist, listening to music, etc- but none of it was enough.

 

Seriously, I didn’t intend on going that deep. I remember my vision going blurry with tears- I could barely see my arm under the sticky crimson substance. And I remember cutting a vein, and _knowing_ that I did. I remember knowing that I would bleed out, and I remember smiling as my eyes finally closed.

 

And it’s foggy- but I can still hear Lauren’s screams. I can still hear the sirens and the cries of my little siblings. I don’t remember much after that- the next thing I know is waking up in a hospital bed, with my parents by my side. And I remember them _scolding_ me- from the second I opened my eyes.

 

Maybe that’s why I’m so fucked up. I woke up in the hospital after a _suicide attempt_ , and all my parents could do was yell at me for worrying them, scarring my brother and sister for life- and mainly- doing something ‘so goddamn stupid’ in the first place. That’s all it was to them- one of my pathetic attempts to try an escape the pressure. They didn’t seem to _get_ how much pain I was- and still am- in.

 

I just want someone to care. I want someone to hold me close and tell me it’s going to be okay. Tell me _I’m_ going to be okay. And I know that sounds cheesy and sappy and shit, but I’ve never really known love. I’ve never had someone love me. My father was pretty much non-existent in my life, and my mother did nothing but yell at me. I had to raise Harry and Lauren- and it wasn’t easy at all. I think I did a damn good job, but it came with sacrifice.

 

I know that the shit Luke says means nothing. He’s just an asshole, and I shouldn’t pay attention to the crap that comes out of his mouth- but it does affect me. I really try not to let it get to me- but the shit he says… He basically confirms whatever I think about myself. That I’m a worthless, useless fuck up- that should have never been born. It would’ve made everyone’s lives better, to be quite honest. But I’m here and I fucking hate it.

 

I glance up to make sure the bathroom stall is locked, and then up at the ceiling- to make sure there are no security cameras aimed at me. If anyone sees this, I’ll never hear the end of it. After I confirm that I’m alone, I pull the blade that Michael gave me out of my pocket. Holding up to the light- I watch it shimmer in the light. It’s beautiful. And it holds all the release I need.

 

The blade splits my skin like a tiger- sinking its fangs into a piece of prey. Blood gushes from the wound immediately- but it takes a moment for me to snap out of mesmerization- to grab some toilet paper and press it to my wound. If I had the choice, I’d let myself bleed out right here. But I really don’t know if I want that to happen. Don’t know if I’m ready to die, and leave everyone with the repercussions. I’ve never been selfish- and I don’t know if I’m ready to start now.

 

…

 

“Ash?”

 

Ashton looks up at us, from where he’s lying on his bed- earbuds in, texting someone. I have my arm wrapped around Niall’s shoulders, and he’s pressed close to me- I think it’s time he tell Ashton what went down between him and Luke. They’ve gotten closer over the past week, and Ashton deserves to know why Niall holds such animosity toward his roommate.

 

“Hm? What’s up?”

 

“Niall has something to tell you,” I reply. “Remember when he told you that Luke’s friendship comes with sacrifice?”

 

Ashton nods. “I was kinda curious about what he meant- I didn’t actually see what he was referring to in that therapy session, but I didn’t want to pressure him into anything.”

 

“Well, he’s going to tell you now,” I mutter. “And I’m gonna help him out a bit.”

 

“Alright,” Ashton says slowly. “You don’t have to worry about Luke coming back. Someone…Harry Styles, I think it was? Yeah, Luke took him down to visit Louis or some shit, I dunno for sure, but it’ll be a while before they’re back.”

 

Niall’s eyes widen. “Hazza’s here? Dammit, I want to see him too…”

 

“You can go after we do this,” I murmur into his ear. “Let’s get it over with, yeah?”

 

Niall sighs and nods. We both scoot onto Ashton’s bed, and Niall leans against me, his head resting against my chest- and my arms wrapped around his waist.

 

“I met Luke when we were around eleven,” Niall begins, his voice soft. “And to begin with, it was all good. We became best friends very quickly- both of us were really attached to each other. Year six was amazing- the both of us were inseparable, but we did have other friends. And then came year seven. Year seven was when things changed. Luke introduced me to one of his close friends- Liam. And Liam and I hit it off immediately. We became fast friends, really close- if not closer than I was with Luke.”

 

I rub his shoulder blades gently. This is the part where his story gets shitty, so he needs my support to continue. “You’re doing great, Ni,” I whisper into his ear. “Keep it up.”

 

Niall takes a deep breath, and I watch Ashton’s facial expression carefully. He looks emotionless- which can be a good and a bad thing at the same time. Let’s just hope it’s veered toward the good. “Liam and I were really good friends, and that made Luke jealous. Jealous of me, to be honest. He didn’t really care about my friendship at the point- he was angry because he claimed I’d stolen Liam from him. But Li and I clicked really well. We shared a lot of the same interests, and he knew me better than I even knew myself. But Luke was getting even angrier, as we grew closer.”

 

“Toward the beginning of year eight,” Niall says softly. “Luke decided to start spreading rumors. He decided to tell people that I was horrid- in hope that it would leave me friendless, and everyone- including Liam- would come crawling back to him. He spread all kinds of rumors. I was bossy, stupid, a fuck up, ungrateful, I backstabbed everyone, basically that I just fucked everything up wherever I went. But the one thing he said- he called me a fatass.”

 

Niall heaves a shuddering breath as the last sentence leaves him. I tighten my grip, shaking my head and leaning down to whisper into his ear. “You’re doing great, Ni. You’ve got this. You’re almost done.”

 

“The middle of year eight and year nine were torture for me,” Niall continues. “I couldn’t let that fatass comment go. You don’t know me too well, but if you did- you’d know that I’ve always been known for my large appetite. I eat a lot- my stomach is a bottomless pit. But that comment…it wreaked havoc on my mind. I didn’t stop eating- I couldn’t- because it would make everyone suspicious- so I started purging. I would eat normally at meal times, and then go purge everything up. No one suspected anything, and it worked for me. That’s how bulimia overtook my life. I did that for year nine and year ten, and a couple months ago- right after my sixteenth birthday…I threw up blood, and ended up passing out. I was rushed to the hospital, diagnosed with an eating disorder, and my parents stuck me in here. That was almost a month ago. And then I met Mikey like, three weeks ago. But I guess that’s it.”

 

Ashton doesn’t say anything, after Niall finishes. Instead- he crawls over to us, and glances at me pleadingly. I sigh, nodding slightly, and pulling away from Niall. Ashton takes his turn to wrap the small blonde into his arms, and hug Niall to his chest.

 

“You’re probably my best friend here,” Ashton murmurs gently. “And nothing you just said to me, changes that. It’s okay.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Nialler? You up for visitors?”

 

Harry is standing in my doorway, green eyes warm. He’s looking at me sympathetically, and I nod frantically.

 

“Hazza, thank god,” I whisper, as he crosses the room in a couple of strides. His arms are around me in seconds, and I melt into his embrace. I don’t get to see him much- and I really miss him.

 

“I’m gonna go hang out with Ash,” Michael says uncomfortably, rising to his feet. He grabs his headphones, and walks out of the room, making Harry chuckle a bit.

 

“He’s still not too fond of me, is he?”

 

“You’re friends with Luke,” I remind him.

 

Harry sighs. “I just wish you guys would make up…Lou and I are torn, y’know…”

 

“You know what he did to me, Haz,” I whimper. “He’s the reason I’m like this.”

 

“I know,” Harry replies, rubbing my shoulders gently. “But there’s a reason why he did it. You don’t know what it is- only Lou and I do- but there’s a reason he acts like such a fucking asshole. His actions aren’t justified, but there’s a reason he did what he did.”

 

“Then why didn’t he tell me any of that?” I whisper, burying my face deeper into Harry’s shoulder.

 

“Because the guy is fucking terrified.” Harry inhales. “He’s fucking scared, Ni. He’s made enemies out of practically everyone here- and you guys _all_ hold animosity toward him. Now, I’m not saying that wasn’t his fault, because it kinda was, but his past…it’s not pretty. I don’t think he wants me to say anything…”

 

I sigh. “Typical. If he let people in, maybe he wouldn’t be so fucked up.”

 

“Let’s not talk about him right now,” Harry replies. “How about we discuss your eating? Have you been eating well, Nialler? You still look pretty thin…”

 

“They don’t let me purge, Hazza,” I whimper, a cold sweat overtaking me. “They watch me for an hour after I eat, enough time for my food to digest, and I can’t fucking purge and it’s _killing_ me!”

 

“That’s a good thing, love,” Harry murmurs. “I know that purging up your meals has become customary for you, but it isn’t good for you. That’s going to destroy your throat, and you could get hundreds of diseases and infections, even _die_ to bulimia. You don’t want that, do you?”

 

“I don’t know,” I whisper back. “Maybe death would be better than living hell.”

 

…

 

“Hey, who was that kid you were with earlier? He doesn’t look like he’s from here…I’ve never seen him around…”

 

I smile ruefully at Michael. “His name’s Calum. He was just visiting, kinda like Harry. He’s my best friend back home…and the only one back there, who knows about my depression and cutting. He’s basically the reason I didn’t try to end it sooner- he helped me resist the blade for a long time, but there were some points where I wasn’t strong enough.”

 

Michael nods, coming over to sit on the bed next to me. “How are you, Ash? You’ve been pretty quiet…”

 

“I’ve seen better days,” I mutter. “Just…generally shitty…I don’t know what it is…”

 

“Depression,” Michael supplies. “Depression does that to a person. What meds do they have you on?”

 

“Meds?”

 

Michael’s eyes widen. “You’re not on anything? They usually give you meds to help with the depression- anti-depressants.”

 

“I’m not on anything…” I reply softly. “Is that something I should be concerned about?”

 

“Nah,” Michael mutters. “Some people don’t need meds, but…I really think you need them. You’re almost as bad as me, and I’m on heavy medication. The only reason they probably aren’t giving you anything- is probably because of the side effects…”

 

“There are side effects?”

 

He nods. “Weight gain, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, etc. You gotta find a specific medication that works for you, and that takes time. It’s trial and error. Not fun.”

 

“I can imagine,” I grumble.

 

“Still not excited to be here, are you?”

 

“I dunno,” I sigh. “I just…I don’t know anymore, Mikey…it’s just hard.”

 

“Recovery is the hardest part,” Michael agrees. “But you can do it. I believe in you, Ash.”

 

“You’re the only one that does.”

 

…

 

“I need…I have to go to the bathroom…I can’t…this was too much…”

 

Niall’s eyes are wild, as we walk out of the cafeteria. His hands are shaking, and he’s pale as fuck, going into some sort of anxiety or panic attack. Ashton looks alarmed at his state, and I sigh heavily. Niall’s reacting this way because of his bulimia. When they shove food down his throat, they make me flank him for an hour, to make sure he doesn’t purge- and it honestly breaks him, because he feels he doesn’t deserve to keep the food in his stomach.

 

“Ni,” I soothe, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Calm down, buddy. You’re fine. You didn’t eat too much, and you _don’t_ need to go to the bathroom. Relax, everything’s fine.”

 

Ashton’s eyes brighten, as he gets the hint, joining me in offering words of comfort, as we lead Niall into our room.

 

“I need to throw up,” Niall mutters. “I’m nauseous…”

 

“No, shhh, you gotta keep it down,” Ashton murmurs. “You’re fine, just calm your breathing down and relax.” That does nothing, because Niall only works himself up more, shaking.

 

“Niall,” I say firmly, kneeling in front of him and grasping his shoulders. “Look at me.”

 

His eyes are unfocused, but I finally manage to coax him to lock gazes with me, and I sigh when he does. “There. That’s good, you’re fine. Let’s just take your mind off what happened, okay? What do you wanna do?”

 

“I know what _I_ wanna do,” Ashton mutters, shoving his hand in his pocket. I can tell the blade I gave him is in there, because the motion of his fingers running over something is all I see.

 

“You are _not_ doing that.”

 

…

 

“Luke?”

 

My mind snaps back into reality, as my name is called. I glance up, and Ashton is staring at me- eyes wide with trepidation. I’m sitting in a corner, knees pulled to my chest, trying to make myself as small as possible. My demons are attacking, and I’ll do anything to get away from them.

 

“What do you want?” I force out, trying to sound angry, but only succeeding in sounding pained.

 

“Well, for one thing, I wanna know why you’re curled in a corner. They were looking for you…”

 

“Fuck them,” I mutter, dropping my head and resting it on my knees. “Well, you’ve found me. You can go back and tell them that I’m fine.”

 

“So you want me to lie to them?”

 

Ashton scoots down next to me, pressing his back against the wall beside me. “You are _not_ fine, and anyone with common sense can see that.” He sighs heavily. “I know you don’t like me, and I’m not asking you to start. But I do care about you. You’re my roommate, and I don’t think I want to see you in a body bag in the near future. So, if you don’t want to talk to me, at least talk to Harry? Or Louis? Or _someone_.”

 

Trying to hide my discomfort at him being so close to me, I shake my head. “Why do you even care? I’ve been a complete dick to you. Something tells me you’d be _glad_ to see my body in a body bag.”

 

Ashton’s eyes widen, before he vigorously shakes his head. “ _Hell_ no. As much as I don’t understand you- the only people I wish death on are the people that have done something to deserve it. Sure, you treated me like crap and punched me in the face, but behind that anger, is hurt. I know you didn’t mean any of the bullshit you said, and I’m not going to hold it against you. Obviously, there’s something wrong- otherwise you wouldn’t be acting the way you are.”

 

“There’s something wrong,” I agree. “Otherwise I wouldn’t be in this prison. Just…why are you being so nice to me? You must’ve heard what I did to Niall…”

 

“Because your eyes right now,” Ashton replies. “Are begging for help.” When I just look at him dazedly, he sighs and continues. “I don’t talk much- I observe. And I’ve gotten really good at reading people, especially by their eyes. It’s funny, you can tell a lot about a person by studying their eyes. And you know what, Luke? Your eyes are dull, and dark with agony. All the time. I’ve never seen light in your eyes, and that’s not a good sign. So obviously, you’re not okay, and I’m not the type of person to kick someone when he’s already down. And as for what you did to Niall, yeah, that was a shit move and I’m not exactly happy about it, but…you had your reasons, and if we end up becoming friends, I hope you’ll tell me why.”

 

“I’m just…not used to people being nice to me. Louis and Harry are the only people that love me,” I whisper, feeling ashamed and embarrassed, because I was such a fucking dick to him, and he’s being so nice to me.

 

“Hey now, I don’t think that’s true,” Ashton says.

 

“It is,” I mutter. “No one loves me. No one loves a schizophrenic, suicidal, cutter. No one loves a broken, damaged- fucked up in the head- guy.”

 

“I’m broken,” Ashton sighs. “I’m damaged. I’m suicidal. I cut. We’re not that different, Luke. And I don’t think people love me either. But you have Louis and Harry. And something tells me they love you for who you are, no matter how messed up in the head you might think you are.”

 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my throat closing. “For everything I’ve said and done to you. I was an asshole, and I didn’t mean it…and I’m also sorry for hitting you…you didn’t deserve that…”

 

Ashton chuckles humorlessly. “I probably did. I shouldn’t have said that it was your fault Louis got moved, that was out of line. It’s alright, Luke. I don't blame you. Not anymore. But do you think…do you think we could start over?”

 

“Yeah,” I reply softly. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

 

Ashton rises to his feet, and glances down at me- sympathy radiating from his gaze. He holds out a hand. “Come on. Let’s go back to our room.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? What'd you think of the Lashton conversation at the end? I'd love to know. Anyway, I'll have the next chapter up soon, thank you guys for reading- I hope you enjoyed.


	9. Chapter 9

Walking beside Luke is making me so fucking nervous- not gonna lie. I’ve never seen the vulnerable side of him before- this is all new to me. I just approached him because he looked so lost, so sad, like he needed someone- and I’m not that much of a dick- not going to turn someone away who needs help, no matter what they’ve done.

 

We get back to our room, and Luke stops in the doorway, glancing at me apprehensively. “We have therapy in 10 minutes.”

 

“Wait, how do you know when I have it?”

 

“They usually sync us up for these kinds of things,” Luke mutters. “Their way of giving us time to bond or whatever. You can tell them how shit I’ve been to you, I don’t mind. It’s not going to be a surprise to them.”

 

“Why do you think I’d do that to you?” I ask, shaking my head at him.

 

“Because I haven’t done anything to deserve this,” Luke whispers.

 

“Ashton, why the fuck are you talking to him?!”

 

I glance up at the sound of Michael’s voice, as he storms over to us, his eyes dark with anger. “I thought Niall told you how dangerous he was.”

 

“You talk about me like I’m some sort of ticking time bomb,” Luke growls, clenching and unclenching his fists tightly.

 

“You are. Who knows when you’re going to blow up and hurt everyone in your path? Don’t think I’ve forgotten what the fuck you did to Niall. And Ashton is not going to fall victim to you. He deserves better- he’s already been damaged.”

 

“Why do you think I’m gonna fucking hurt everyone?! When the fuck did I become heartless?!”

 

“Hey, guys…” I trail off, attempting to intervene, but Michael steamrolls right over me.

 

“You’re the reason Niall fucking purges up everything he eats. You destroyed him because he took one of your friends away from you. Oh, poor Luke, doesn’t have any friends. Pfft. No wonder Louis is gone. He probably just got fucking fed up of your bullshit. I know I am.”

 

“Stop it,” Luke whispers, his face going white. “Please shut up.”

 

“Aww, is the little baby gonna cry now? You fucking deserve worse than this,” Michael sneers.

 

“Mike, _stop_ ,” I say firmly, using my body to push him away. “Can’t you see he’s working himself into a panic attack?”

 

My words are hauntingly true. Luke’s face is white, and I can see him visibly trembling, mumbling incoherently to himself. He looks like he’s going to fall over- those are all symptoms of a panic attack.

 

“Luke? Come on Luke, breathe for me,” I whisper, lowering him to his knees and dropping down beside him. Michael stares, wide-eyed at us, as I try to calm Luke down.

 

“Can you match your breathing to mine? Come on, you need to try,” I coax, placing my hands on his shoulders and forcing him to look at me. Luke heaves, gasping for air, and I shake my head, gripping his shoulders tighter. “Luke, you gotta listen to me. You’re freaking out, you need to relax, otherwise I’ll have to get one of the nurses down here.”

 

That seems to work, because he gasps one more time, before his breathing begins to slow down, returning to normal in minutes. He collapses against me, exhausted, and I sigh. “There you go, you’re fine, it’s all over. Can you stand?”

 

He nods slightly, and I help him to his feet, keeping a tight hold on him so he doesn’t fall. I glance over at Michael- who’s facial expression is unreadable. “I’m just going to take him back to our room and put him to bed, he needs to sleep. I’ll be out to talk to you in ten.”

 

…

 

“You gonna be okay?” I whisper, as Luke slides under the covers, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.

 

He nods. “Y-Yeah…thank you…”

 

“No problem, mate,” I say, smiling at him. “Just rest, okay? That was a pretty nasty panic attack, you should sleep. I’ll tell Mrs. Simmons to postpone your therapy.”

 

“Thank you, Ashton…” Luke whispers. “Could you go downstairs…visit Louis? He needs to know what happened, please…”

 

Fear courses through me, but I nod slightly. “S-Sure…”

 

…

 

“Would you like to tell me what the _fuck_ that was?” Michael asks, as soon as I step out of mine and Luke’s room, shutting the door.

 

“I don’t want to hate him anymore,” I say. “I found him crying in a corner, like, twenty minutes ago. He’s so broken, Mike…he doesn’t think anyone loves him, and he regrets everything. He told me he wouldn’t be surprised if I was glad to see his body in a body bag, and…”

 

“Do you not remember what he did to Niall?”

 

I sigh. “I remember very clearly what he did to Niall, but there’s something wrong here. Luke is hiding something, and quite damn honestly, you’re no better than he is, considering what you just did. You just caused him a panic attack- if he did that to Niall, you’d probably kill him.”

 

“It doesn’t matter what he’s feeling,” Michael growls. “He was a dick to Niall, a complete asshole to you, and all he deserves is to suffer. He punched you in the fucking face, and brought suicidal thoughts to you mind- _how_ can you even think about being friends? Do you _want_ to end up like Ni?”

 

“No. But I also don’t want to see Luke commit suicide, because I decided to hold a grudge against him for something he probably can’t even control. He’s schizophrenic, do you even know what that means? He hears voices, and they don’t fucking leave him alone. They tell him he’s worthless and to go die. And maybe they’re the reason he’s acting like such an asshole- we’ll never know. And doesn’t it make you suspicious that _no one_ here- except Louis- knows anything about his past? It must be fucked up and it must’ve really broken him for him to keep quiet about it. And if all you want to do is push him closer to killing himself, fine, go ahead. But I’m not going to fucking do it anymore.”

 

…

 

“Alright, Ashton. How do you want to start off?”

 

I shake my head. “You’re the therapist, aren’t you supposed to give me the third degree or something?” I cross my arms and lean back in my chair- not exactly excited about being here. I mean, I really don’t want to pour my heart out to some stranger who’s only listening to me talk, because it’s what helps her put food on the table.

 

“I want to know what you feel comfortable talking about. I’m not going to pressure you into talking about something that is traumatizing or makes you uncomfortable, so I’d like to know what you feel comfortable discussing with me.”

 

“Nothing,” I mutter. “I don’t want to tell you shit. I don’t like talking about my feelings, especially to some stranger that probably doesn’t even care about what I have to say.”

 

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way,” Dr. Stevens replies matter-of-factly. “But to have a chance of getting out of this place, you’re going to have to talk to me. We can take as long as you want, but you will not be getting out of Riverfront until you tell me why you tried to kill yourself, why you cut yourself, and what the catalyst of your depression was.”

 

“Why? Why is that so damn important? I have to stop cutting, I’m probably going to be put on meds to control the depression, and I don’t think I’m trying to off myself again. Maybe because everyone will be breathing down my neck again,” I grumble. “I just want to go back to my friends.”

 

Dr. Stevens sighs. “You still have thirty minutes left, and you aren’t leaving until the half hour passes. Now, are you going to talk, or do you jut want to sit here for half an hour? Because I’m fine with doing either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think of Ashton's mindset right now? I'd love to know- thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed. And happy birthday to Ashton, he's saved my life and I owe him so much and who the fuck gave him the right to be 20 he's still a five year old at heart and okay I'm done rambling I'll shut up


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be longer, but I'm just too tired to add more. Anyway, an OC I mentioned in the second chapter, is introduced here- Grace. She's based off my best friend, so she's really special to me, and I hope you guys will like her. Enjoy.

“Ni?”

 

I glance up from my phone, my eyes softening when I see who’s standing in my doorway. My girlfriend- well, kinda- Grace. And by kinda girlfriend, I mean that we’re technically dating, but taking things very slow- she’s been hurt in the past, by people she really did trust- and I’m not going to pressure her into anything she’s not ready for.

 

“Hey, Gracie,” I smile at her, sitting up, and opening my arms. She walks over to me, sitting down in my lap and curling into my chest. I press a kiss to the top of her head, and hold her tightly, enjoying this moment for what it’s worth.

 

I’m not really very happy anymore- and Grace makes me feel genuine happiness. She’s an amazing girl- a beautiful person- that didn’t deserve to be hurt as badly as she was. I just wish I wasn’t too late to save her- I wish she wasn’t in here. She doesn’t deserve to be.

 

Grace has chronic depression, and she struggles with thoughts of suicide and self-harm. She hasn’t done either, but she’s gotten quite close- and her mind is haunted with images of inflicting pain on herself. It honestly kills me inside, because you would never know she was depressed if you just looked at her. She’s beautiful, and she’s the best actress I know. She’s even managed to fool me into thinking she’s fine- just a couple times, but nonetheless, still good acting.

 

“How’s everything been going, love? Therapy and all?”

 

Grace sighs. “I hate it, Ni…I wanna get out of here…”

 

“Hey, listen sweetheart,” I say gently, brushing a lock of her hair behind her ear. “When we’re both out of this place, I’m going to buy us a flat in London. Just you and me, us against the world. You’re sure as _fuck_ not going back to your parents, and mine probably don’t give a shit anyway.”

 

“They want me to come back “fixed”,” Grace mumbles. “Whatever that means.”

 

“There’s nothing to fix, Grace.” I look her in the eye, shaking my head as a tear rolls down her cheek. “There is nothing about you that’s defective or needs to be fixed. You’re just a little lost- you’re not broken.”

 

“I feel broken.”

 

“The feeling is going to go away,” I promise her softly. “We’re going to be okay.”

 

“How do you know that, Ni? Your bulimia is only getting worse, and my depression refuses to leave me alone. We’re fucked, Nialler.”

 

“Don’t say that. We’re not fucked. We’re going to recover from this, because you have me, and I have you, and I don’t think leaving is an option right now.”

 

…

 

Nervously, I follow Mrs. Simmons down the hallway, toward Louis’ room. I’m doing this because Luke asked me to, but I’m not exactly sure about it. Hell, I have no idea what to say to the guy, and knowing me- my anxiety will throw itself in my way, making me look like an utter idiot. I don’t do well with people- especially people I’ve never met before. Anxiety is a fucking bitch.

 

“Here, his room is right over there. Go ahead, Ashton. Come back up when you’re done,” Mrs. Simmons says gently, motioning to the last door on the hallway. I take a step forward, swallowing back the bundle of nerves that have choked up my throat.

 

I knock on the door, not wanting to just barge in- it’s his first time seeing me, after all. When I hear Louis’ soft ‘come in!’, I feel the visible tremors return, as I push open the door.

 

Louis looks up as soon as the door creaks open, his eyes widening. He’s sitting on his bed, brown hair messy, as he types something into his laptop, before sliding it off his lap, and rising to his feet. Jeans and a plain black t-shirt cover his frame, and I can see him looking me over, as he stops in front of me.

 

“I don’t think we’ve met before. You are?” He asks slowly.

 

“Ashton,” I force out. “Luke asked me to come down and see you.”

 

Louis’ face softens. “Ah, so you’re Ashton. Luke’s told me about you. C’mon, let’s sit. And don’t look so terrified- I’m not gonna chew your head off.”

 

I relax a bit, as he sit on his bed, facing each other- cross-legged. He smiles at me. “Luke hasn’t been the kindest person to you, has he?”

 

Shaking my head, I glance upward. “Uh…”

 

“Ashton, listen, you don’t need to be scared of me. I promise, I’m not going to yell at you or hurt you. Luke sent you down here to talk to me, so that’s all that’s going to happen. You can relax.”

 

Relief flows through me, and my shoulders sag, loosing the former stiffness. “Yeah…Luke’s been a bit of an ass to me, but I think he’s stopped now…”

 

“Good, that means the moron actually listened to me for once.” Louis’ voice holds a teasing note. “He really didn’t mean any of what he said, see, he and I have a very special relationship…in that, I’m the only person who really knows what broke him. He’s very guarded, and doesn’t trust easily- he’s been hurt too many times. I’m his sense of security, and coming back to find you there instead of me, I guess…he kinda panicked a bit. He’s really not a bad guy, I promise.”

 

I smile ruefully. “I figured. Found him crying in a corner earlier. He apologized, and I took him back to our room…Michael- don’t know if you know him- triggered him into some sort of anxiety attack, but I managed to calm him down, and I put him to bed after that.”

 

Louis eyes hold nothing but gratitude when I finish. “Oh god, thank you,” he says softly. “Luke’s very fragile…I worry a lot, because he needs me more than he will let on. Is he…okay? You said you found him crying?”

 

“He thinks you and Harry don’t love him,” I tell him bluntly. “He thinks he’s worthless and useless- just basically thoughts of depression and suicide. I’m no stranger to them.”

 

Louis sighs heavily. “Luke is…he’s a very complicated person, if you hadn’t figured that out already. And his past…it’s a fucking mess, Ashton. He’s been through so much, and he really does think that no one loves him, no matter how much I try to change his mind.”

 

“Do you think…do you think you could tell me anything? Anything at all, about him? He’s my roommate- and I hope my friend- there’s gotta be something I can do to help.”

 

“You just have to be careful,” Louis warns. “He’s very quiet by nature- and that’s one of the biggest problems I have. I can’t tell when he’s just being quiet, and when he’s upset. You just need to make sure he isn’t falling apart inside- it’ll be easy to tell, his eyes will betray him.”

 

I sigh, nodding.

 

“Just…watch out for him, please?” Louis looks at me desperately. “He’s my best friend. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to him.”

 

“I will,” I reply. “I’ll do my best.”

 

…

 

“Hey, Luke? I went and talked to Louis.”

 

Ashton’s voice floats over to my side of the room, and I smile. “How’d it go? Did he say anything?”

 

Ashton nods. “Yeah. He said to tell you to just keep trying to breathe, stay calm, and that he loves you more than anything.”

 

“Thank you,” I whisper, closing my eyes “For doing that.”

 

“No problem,” Ashton replies softly. “Get some sleep. You look exhausted.”

 

"Night, Ash."

 

"G'night, Luke. Sleep well."


	11. Chapter 11

“Hey, Luke? Can we talk?”

 

I glance over at Ashton, pulling one of my earbuds out. Nickelback’s Here And Now album is blasting in my ears, and I lower the volume slightly- to be able to hear Ashton. He comes over to sit on my bed, his eyes dark.

 

“Yeah, what’s up?” I reply, searching his face for any kind of clue.

 

“It’s about Niall,” Ashton mutters, refusing to meet my gaze. “When I said I’d forgive you, I didn’t forgive you for that. You broke him, Luke…and I know it couldn’t have just been because he “stole” Liam from you. There’s an underlying reason, isn’t there?”

 

When I don’t respond, he sighs heavily. “I’m just…trying to understand why you would do something like that to him. I can tell you’re not a cruel, vindictive person- so there obviously was something that caused you to turn on him like that. I just want to know what it is. You both look awful- for lack of a better word- and I really think…if you fixed your friendship, or at least _tried_ to, it would help both of you to recover.”

 

I exhale a heavy sigh. “I’m schizophrenic, Ash. You know what schizophrenia is, right?”

 

Ashton nods. I shake my head slightly. “I also have bad separation anxiety, social anxiety, just plain anxiety in general. My separation anxiety was what caused the freak out, after Liam started drifting further away from me, and closer to Niall. You gotta understand, I never wanted to hurt Niall. It was like my mind had one idea, and I had another. My schizophrenia and separation anxiety got in the way. Combined, they wreaked havoc on my mind, and _that_ is why I was awful to Niall. I never meant to hurt him.”

 

“You should tell him that,” Ashton says softly. “He’s really hurt, and if you two fix things, you can also try to fix things with Michael, and all of us can just focus on recovering.”

 

Inhaling, I look into his eyes. “I don’t know if it’s going to be that easy, Ash. Niall and Michael fucking hate me.”

 

“I don’t think they do.” Ashton glances at the floor, his tone dropping. “Niall used to be your best friend, and Michael only hates you because of how badly you’ve hurt Niall. If Ni forgives you, Mikey will too. Just try? It couldn’t hurt.”

 

…

 

“Niall? Can I talk to you?”

 

I glance up, my eyes widening at the sight of Luke standing in the doorway. He looks really upset about something- his face is pale, his eyes are a bit teary, and he’s avoiding my eyes, hands shoved into his pockets.

 

“No, you can’t,” Michael growls, pulling me closer into his chest. I sigh, forcing him to loosen his grip a little.

 

“Sure, Luke. Mikey, it’ll be fine. Go find Ash, or go downstairs and visit Lou, gimme and Luke some time alone, yeah?”

 

Michael shakes his head. “I don’t want him to do anything to you.”

 

“And he won’t,” I reply. “He looks exhausted. I doubt he has the energy to torment me.”

 

“I just want to talk,” Luke repeats. “I’m not going to hurt him.”

 

“See?” I tell Michael. “Please, go somewhere else.”

 

“Why can’t he talk while I’m in the room? Is the asshole scared?” Michael mutters.

 

“I don’t think that’s it,” I hiss. “I think he’ll clam up if you’re sitting here, _glaring_ at him. You’re intimidating, Mike. Just please get the hell out, I’ll talk to you later.”

 

“Wow, love you too,” Michael mumbles. Nonetheless, he drops a kiss on the top of my head, before rising to his feet. “I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

 

Once he’s gone, I can see Luke visibly relax. He’s still leaning against the doorframe, and I beckon him over to sit on my bed, looking at him curiously.

 

“What’s this about, Luke?”

 

Luke sighs heavily. “I…I came to apologize…for what I did to you…and tell you why I did what I did to you…”

 

I just stare at him, my eyes wide.

 

“You don’t need to say anything. Just listen.” Luke takes a deep breath. “This isn’t easy for me.”

 

Without waiting for my answer, he starts talking. “I’m schizophrenic, and I have bad separation anxiety, social anxiety, and plain anxiety disorder. Schizophrenia’s symptoms include hallucinations and voices in my head that attack my mind. They tell me I’m worthless, useless, that everyone hates me, I should go die, things like that. When Liam came into your life, and you guys started talking more, the voices started telling me that he replaced me as your best friend. That everyone would hate me, that I deserved to die, and…it took control. That happens sometimes, in bad cases of schizophrenia. The voices caused me to do and say things I had no control over. My separation anxiety added into the mix, and it tortured me- because losing you to Liam was killing me slowly.”

 

Tears well up in my eyes. He’s gone through so much- and I doubt that’s even all of it. I’m not saying he didn’t hurt me- because he did- but he’s been through a lot, and he deserves a second chance. He deserves to know that the voices aren’t right.

 

Luke glances up at me. “I’m not finished. Schizophrenic voices are _torture_. They keep telling me to kill myself, that no one would miss me, that everyone hates me, that all I am is a goddamn fuck up- and yeah, that’s taken its toll on me. I’m severely depressed, I cut, and I’m suicidal- but you already knew that. I have to take pills to control the voices, and sometimes, I just…don’t want to. I don’t want to be the kid who has to take pills to be normal. That sounds so horrible to me- I’d rather fall victim to the voices and let them kill me. They tell me to put a gun to my head, and I’ve done it. Those voices will manipulate me into killing myself, and the worst part is- I’ll do every damn thing they say. My disorder is scary, and it’s something that’ll never go away. Ni, that was never me. The one who called you a fatass and spread rumors behind your back.”

 

“I wasn’t in my right mind- back then, I didn’t even know I was schizophrenic. It was the voices talking, Ni. I promise. I wasn’t in there. I know I hurt you, and god, you have no idea how guilty I feel about it. That’s why I waited this long to say something. I’m so ashamed of myself, and god…I made you starve and purge and think about dying and you have no fucking idea how much I want to take it all back. I love you, Ni. You’re my brother, and you have no idea how fucking much I hate myself because of how badly I damaged you.”

 

“Niall? Say something…” Luke whispers, his eyes wide and full to the brim with agony.

 

I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I’m not going to lie and say you didn’t hurt me- I’m bulimic because of what you said to me- but I understand now. I know where you were coming from when you started being an asshole, and even though you were a fucking dick…you had your reasons. I accept your apology, and I do forgive you…but it’ll be a while before I can trust you again. You did hurt me, but I’m willing to get past it, because it’s obviously been destroying you for a while, and you deserve a second chance. Just…know that if you screw this up, I’m going to sic Michael on you, with no regrets whatsoever.”

 

Luke’s eyes brighten. “Thank you so much, Niall…you have no idea how much this means to me. I won’t screw up again, I promise. I let you down once, and I swear on my life- I’m never going to do it again.”

 

“C’mere, you idiot,” I say softly, pulling him into a hug. “I’ve missed you, Luke.”

 

“Missed you too, Ni,” he whispers. I can hear how choked up he is in his voice, and I just hold him tighter, dropping a kiss on his blonde quiff.

 

“Everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...what'd you guys think? Was Niall right to forgive Luke? I'd love to know your opinions- thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark chapter, again, sorry. I've been in a shitty mood these past couple weeks, and a lot of this is just my thoughts. Enjoy, anyway.

 “Ashton! Ashton, wake up!”

 

Multiple hands shake my shoulders, as I blink my eyes open, wincing at the morning light. “Wha…? It’s still early…”

 

“Someone died, Ash.”

 

The sentence has me sitting bolt upright in bed, staring at Luke, Niall, and Michael. “ _What_?!”

 

“Someone died,” Michael repeats. “He committed suicide. We just got the news. We need to go. They’re gathering all of us to say goodbye, and have this funeral-type thing that always happens when someone dies in here.”

 

“Holy…fuck, you need to give me a minute to process this. You’re saying someone just _killed_ himself in here. _How_?”

 

“Michael gave you a blade, didn’t he?” Luke says softly. “It’s not that hard to sneak past the nurses, Ash. They really don’t give as much of a shit as you think.”

 

“Wait, how did you know I gave him a blade?” Michael asks, narrowing his eyes.

 

“Ashton isn’t great at hiding it,” Luke says apologetically. “Found it on your bed. I put it into your nightstand drawer, so it wasn’t in plain view. And you’re the only one out of the four of us with a self-harm addiction, other than me- and I didn’t give it to him. Ash isn’t close enough with anyone else, for them to give him a blade.”

 

“Damn,” I sigh. “Sorry.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Luke replies. “Just hide it better next time.”

 

“Alright, enough, we need to go,” Niall mutters impatiently, glancing at the clock. “We’re supposed to be down there in ten minutes. Just make yourself decent, Mikey and I will wait outside.”

 

He pulls Michael’s arm, dragging the taller boy out of the room, and I turn to Luke. “I’m still just…”

 

“I know,” Luke whispers. “Come on. I’ll explain it to you on the way there. Just put some pants on, and let’s go.”

 

Once I’m dressed, I grab my phone and walk out into the hallway, where Niall and Mikey are waiting. When they see us, they come over, and the four of us start walking, a silence draping over us. The air is sticky with tension, and god, it makes me feel so fucking uncomfortable.

 

“Is this…common…?” I ask, my voice small.

 

Niall sighs heavily. “I don’t know whether you can call it common- but this is the fifth- in this month, alone. People snap, Ash. They snap when it gets to be too much. That’s why Mikey gave you that blade. Even though cutting yourself isn’t going to help- it’s keeping you from killing yourself, because you need the blade- and that’ll have to do for now.”

 

“But, aren’t you having withdrawal, Luke?” I turn to the blonde next to me, my eyes questioning.

 

Luke shakes his head. “I smoke sometimes, with Zayn- you don’t know him, he’s usually down on the restricted floor with Lou- and I use the lighter to burn myself. My thighs are covered in blisters from burning.”

 

“Seriously, Luke?” Niall mumbles. “I didn’t think…”

 

“I told you how fucked up I am, I’m wondering why you’re surprised,” Luke replies in a monotone. “Great, we’re here.”

 

We’ve come to a large room. There are a lot of people here- all looking somber- some grieving, others clustered in small groups, taking quietly. There’s this one guy standing at the center- next to a coffin-like object, tears streaming down his face. He’s staring into the box- crying even harder, and I know he must’ve been close to whoever died.

 

The guy looks pretty ragged- to be honest. He looks like he’s of Pakistani or Muslim origin- judging by his skin tone. He’s growing a beard, black scruff covering his chin- matching his clean-cut haircut.

 

“Zayn!” Luke’s eyes widen, seeing him, and he starts forward, finally reaching him. The three of us follow- much slower- but when we get to them, Zayn is wiping his eyes and talking to Luke, barely able to get out words in between sobs.

 

Luke nods, wrapping his arms around the shorter guy briefly, before pulling back and glancing at us. “It’s Austin.”

 

Both Niall and Michael stare at him, eyes widening in realization. “Fuck…” Michael whispers.

 

“I’m so confused- who’s Austin?” I ask, perplexity running through my head. Obviously, Zayn was close to him, but…

 

“Austin Richards. Zayn’s best friend. What Mikey is to me, and Louis is to Luke,” Niall replies softly. “How did it happen?”

 

“He slit his wrist,” Luke mutters. “Zayn found him in the bathroom, lying in a pool of his own blood.”

 

That’s my breaking point. The image attacks my mind, triggering me instantly. My fingers itch for the blade- I know it’d seem awful to want to cut, after someone just _died_ from it, but I need it right now. The feeling of being extremely hot, then cold, is washing over me, and it’s making my stomach uneasy and my head spin. I never realized how heavily I relied on a blade- or how easily I could be triggered, goddamn.

 

“Ash? Ashton, calm down.” A voice is talking to me, but I can’t distinguish the speaker- and hands are on my shoulders. I feel like I’m suffocating.

 

“I can’t…” I whisper, shaking harder. “I need…”

 

“No, no you don’t. You gotta calm down. I promise, everything is going to be fine. You are stronger than the blade. Come on, Ash.”

 

“Ashton, dammit! Come on, you need to breathe, you’re panicking!”

 

I’m getting dizzier and dizzier, as my vision starts to blur and distort. Black spots dance in front of my eyes, and no matter how many times I blink- they won’t go away. I’ve never felt anything like this before- I’m freaking out and I have no idea what’s going on. There are so many things I want to say right now, but I can’t force words out of my mouth. I can barely see two feet in front of me, and the tightness in my chest just keeps on getting worse.

 

I can feel myself falling, and then everything goes black.

 

…

 

When I wake, it’s in a white, unfamiliar room. I glance to my left, and see Luke sitting on a chair, playing with this phone. A sharp pain runs through my head, and I wince, cursing under my breath.

 

Luke looks up as soon as the words leave my mouth, instantly rising to his feet and stepping over to me. “Hey, how’re you feeling?”

 

“My…my head hurts…what happened…?” I ask hoarsely, cringing at the bright white light.

 

“You passed out, from that really bad panic attack you had. When you fainted, you fell straight to the ground and hit your head- you’ve got a concussion. But you’re also getting put on anti-depressants and meds to control your anxiety, so this doesn’t happen again. That was a really bad panic attack- you fucking scared us.”

 

“M’sorry,” I slur. “But…where am I?”

 

“Infirmary,” Luke says. “You’ll be out of here soon- the nurse needs to make sure you’re coherent and shit, and then we can go back to our room.”

 

“Mikey…and Ni…?”

 

“I sent them back to their room. Niall was getting antsy, and Michael looked like he wanted to rip something to shreds, so I thought it’d be better if they went back to their room and calmed down a bit. I said I’d let them know when you woke up, which I probably should do.”

 

“Don’t bother.”

 

Niall’s voice sounds from the doorway, as he and Mikey reenter the room. “The nurse let us in. How are you feeling, Ash? You gave us quite a scare…”

 

“Shitty,” I mutter, putting a hand up to my head. “Turn off the light, please? My head is pounding…”

 

“Fuck, yeah,” Michael says in realization, flicking the switch. “Light is gonna be painful. Luke, you gotta be careful around him for the next couple days. Don’t blast your music, dim your room lights, and just…don’t let him do anything strenuous, yeah?”

 

Luke rolls his eyes. “I’m not dumb, I think I know how to take care of him.”

 

A warm body is pressing against me, and I glance up to see Niall’s blonde hair tickling my neck. I hug him back lightly, as he whimpers against me. “You scared me,” he whispers. “Don’t do it again.”

 

“I’ll try not to,” I say weakly, running a hand through his hair. “But _damn_ , my head hurts.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda dark, sorry about that. But there's a huge Cake scene in this, I hope that makes some of you happy. Trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, depression, and mentions of bulimia. Enjoy.

“My head hurts.”

 

“I know, moron. You’ve said that five times in the past ten minutes.”

 

“Shut up and feel sorry for me. I’m in pain,” I mutter, glaring at Luke.

 

“Well, maybe if you actually listened to me and slept, you’d be better off,” Luke chides softly, lifting his head to meet my gaze. “Seriously, Ash. I know how much pain you’re in, and I really think a nap would do you good.”

 

“How do you know? Have _you_ ever had a concussion?” I grumble, flopping back down onto my bed and burying my face in my pillow. Can someone turn off the sun? It’s too fucking bright and all it’s doing is making my head pound.

 

Luke’s voice is much lower and more subdued when he replies. “I just…know, alright? Believe me.”

 

I sigh. “Fine. But you’re going to go to therapy, right?”

 

“Ash…”

 

“I will force myself to stay awake and make _sure_ you go, if you don’t promise me right now.”

 

“Damn you,” Luke mumbles. “But yeah, I promise I’ll go.”

 

“Good.”

 

…

 

“Ashton?”

 

I glance up from my songbook, as a tall, dark-haired, tanned boy appears in the doorway. He doesn’t look like he’s a patient here- he’s most likely a visitor for Ashton, but Ash is asleep.

 

“He’s sleeping,” I say. “He has a concussion- I’m not sure if you knew that.”

 

The boy’s eyes widen. “ _What_?! How the _fuck_ did that happen?!”

 

Rising to my feet, I walk over to him, standing in front of him. “He had a really bad panic attack, passed out, and hit his head.”

 

“Is…is he okay…?” The boy’s face pales a couple shades, as he looks past me- at Ashton’s sleeping form.

 

“He’s gonna be fine,” I reply. “He’s just got a bad headache. I just convinced him to go to sleep.”

 

The boy nods. “Um…okay, I guess I’ll wait for him to wake up then…but who are you?”

 

“Luke,” I mutter. “His roommate.”

 

His head snaps up, eyes darkening. “ _You’re_ Luke? You’re the one that gave him that goddamn black eye and said all that bullshit to him?!”

 

I wince. “Yeah. And as for that…we talked about it, I apologized, he forgave me…I had my reasons- and even though that doesn’t justify my actions, I didn’t do it on purpose, and I never meant to hurt him.”

 

“You still did,” the boy growls.

 

I sigh. “Can we talk for a bit? Maybe I can tell you _why_ , and then you’ll understand things a bit better.”

 

He looks at me warily, nodding nonetheless. I invite him to take a seat on my bed, and open my mouth to speak. “Can we start with who you are…? I’m kinda confused, this is my first time seeing you…”

 

“Oh, yeah. I’m Calum,” he says. “Ashton’s best friend.”

 

“So _you’re_ Calum,” I reply softly. “Ashton’s told us about you.”

 

Calum forces a smile. “He’s my brother. We…we keep each other alive, only…now he’s here…and I’m…”

 

“Lost without him?” I prompt. He nods, and I sigh, shaking my head.

 

“That’s how I feel about Louis. See, Lou is downstairs, on the restricted floor, and he can only have visitors on certain days, and usually they’re during my therapy appointments, so I can’t go. It’s part of the reason I was an asshole to Ash- I saw him in Lou’s bed and something in me sparked…because I have bad separation anxiety, and it flared up…”

 

Something in Calum’s face changes, but he motions for me to continue, so I do. “I’m schizophrenic. I don’t know if you know what schizophrenia is, but…it’s basically where I hear voices and see things that aren’t there. The voices are negative- they tell me to kill myself, that nobody would need me, want me, etc. They’re like school bullies, almost- but so much nastier. It’s just…sometimes it takes control. Of my mind, I mean. It fucks with my judgment and screws everything up in my head. That’s why I was such a dick to Ashton. I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

 

Calum sighs heavily. “I’m sorry for reacting the way I did, without knowing what your side of the story was…Ashton is just…my best friend, and I’m really overprotective of him, because he hasn’t had it easy at all, and in a way- I’m kinda glad he’s in here, because his parents would’ve fucking shattered him otherwise.”

 

“He didn’t tell us much about what happened before he came here,” I tell him quietly. “He’s been pretty closed off about it…”

 

Calum nods. “As I would’ve expected. Luke, Ash has been through hell and back with his sorry excuses for parents, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk about it. They’re the reason he almost killed himself.”

 

“What…happened, if I can ask…?”

 

“His parents are verbally and emotionally abusive, Luke,” Calum says heavily. “They put an unexplainable amount of pressure on him, and constantly yell at him for not being up the their standards of perfect. He doesn’t see his dad as much- they’re divorced, and Ash basically was left with the task of raising Harry and Lauren, his younger brother and sister. He’s been through a lot, and I think he just snapped.”

                                             

“I had no idea…”

 

“He doesn’t like talking about it…” Calum mutters. “It’s a really sore subject for him. Whenever I bring it up, he shuts down…but I thought you should know. Just…I wouldn’t tell Niall or Michael, not yet at least. Do that for him, at least?”

 

“Of course,” I whisper.

 

Calum smiles. “Thank you. I guess I’ll just wait until he wakes up…I really need to talk to him.”

 

“Good luck.” I snort, shaking my head. “He’s in a lot of pain, and he can’t remember much.”

 

“I just need him,” Calum says softly, looking blankly at the wall. “I need him just as much as he needs me.”

 

“Is something wrong…?”

 

Calum sighs heavily. “Just…my mum being…herself, I guess. It’s complicated. The only reason I’m not in here too- is because my mother isn’t sober long enough to notice that I have a problem.”

 

“Calum…”

 

“It’s fine, Luke, don’t worry about it. I just need to talk to Ashton. I need a hug from him; I need to feel his presence- shit like that. I’m a very clingy person…being apart from him is killing me. I feel like I should be in here too, but my mother doesn’t care enough about me to get me help. I guess…I’m sorry for putting all of this on you, I shouldn’t have. I’ll shut up.”

 

…

 

“Can I hang out with you guys for a while?”

 

Niall and Michael glance up at me, and the shorter blond nods, scooting over on his bed to make room for me. I sit down, and he presses to my side immediately, resting his head on my shoulder.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be with Ash?” Michael asks suspiciously.

 

I shake my head. “His friend…Calum…he’s here, and he wanted to talk to Ash alone. I’m just giving them some privacy- it looks like he really needs Ash right now.”

 

“Okay…” Michael mutters, turning his attention back to the 3DS in his hands. “Fuck, I hate Roggenrola.”

 

“You’re playing Pokémon?”

 

He nods. “I just got X.”

 

“That’s cool.”

 

He nods in reply, and I turn to Niall, threading a hand through his short locks. “How’s Grace doing? You guys good?”

 

Niall smiles at that. “Yeah. She’s starting to get better, so I’m working hard to stop being afraid of food, and control my purging urges, so I can get better too…I promised her we’d buy a flat together after we’re both out of here.”

 

“That’s awesome, Ni.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“I’m sorry…” I whisper. “My fault you have to go through this.”

 

“Luke, don’t,” Niall warns. “It’s over and done with- you can’t change it.”

 

…

 

“Your mother is a bitch,” I mutter, hugging Calum tighter. “What about your dad?”

 

Calum snorts, the sound muffled against my chest. “Always working, he’s seen more of planes than he has our house lately.”

 

“Business trips?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Fucking hell, Cal…I really wish you could stay here…I’m really worried about you…”

 

“My cutting is getting worse, Ash…and my mind…I’m scared…”

 

“I love you so much,” I whisper, kissing the top of his head. “You can text me, I have my phone at all times. Text me whenever you need me.”

 

“But your concussion, doesn’t the light from your phone hurt your head…?”

 

“You’re worth the sacrifice, Calum. You always will be.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for mentions of eating disorders, self-harm, depression, and suicide. Dark chapter, nothing else to really say.

“Bye, Ash. I’ll come back and see you soon, okay?”

 

Ashton squeezes me tightly against him, kissing the top of my head. “Come back soon, yeah? I’ll try my best to get out of here soon- I feel bad about leaving you for so long. Everything is gonna be okay, Cal.”

 

“You don’t know that,” I whisper, my voice cracking as I let my tears soak into his skin. He sighs heavily, pulling back and forcing me to look at him.

 

“Hey,” he says gently. “Listen to me. You’re gonna be fine, alright? I’m only a text away- and if you ever need me, you can come down here. I’ll tell Ms. Simmons to let you in, no matter what time it is. Just try to hang on, alright Cal?”

 

“I’ll…I’ll try…”

 

Ashton shakes his head- his eyes darkening with agony, pushing my sleeve back, revealing the row of horizontal red lines, standing out against my tan skin. “When I see you next, I don’t want to see any more of these, you got that? You don’t need to be in here, Cal. You can get better. Let’s just see…try not to cut for two days, until you see me next. If you can do that, we’ll make it three, and so on and so forth.”

 

I honestly don’t think his idea is going to work- I _need_ that blade, but I don’t want to complicate things. He’s already in pain- I can tell by the way he’s begun to squint, wincing when he thinks I’m looking away. He has a concussion, and he needs to be resting, and stop thinking so much.

 

“I love you, Ash,” I mumble.

 

“Love you too,” Ashton says, dropping a lasting kiss on my head. “Just go home, blast Green Day or Blink, and drown out the world, yeah? Your mother isn’t important right now- it’s not your job to take care of her- considering the lifestyle _she_ chose.”

 

I hug him one last time, before scooting off the bed, and turning to walk out of the room, my heart clenching at the small wave he gives me- a small smile still in place. He looks like he’s trying so hard to get better, and what am I doing? Stressing him out even more- putting more pressure on him, to get better. Bringing the prospect of coming back home to his parents- even closer.

 

Forcing a smile, I walk past the front desk and out of the facility, beginning the two-mile walk home. I can’t drive yet, and my mum sure isn’t fucking taking me. Pulling my headphones out of my pocket, I plug them into my phone, and shove my earbuds into my ears, before selecting ‘St. Jimmy’, and dropping my phone back into my pocket. Maybe the music will drown out helpless thoughts of death running through my head.

 

I know that Ashton doesn’t think I need to be in there…well, there are some days he thinks I do, and others days he thinks I don’t, but overall- he doesn’t know how bad I’ve gotten. I don’t cut my wrists as much as I do my thighs and stomach. Oh god, my stomach. I don’t have the abs he does, and that’s killing me. All I have is flab, soft flab that’s fucking disgusting and makes me look like a fucking pig.

 

I try to work out- but the weights that Ashton lifts are heavy, and he can run a lot faster- and for a lot longer- than I can. Next to him, I’m just a pile of mush. He’s able to run five miles easy, but I’m out of breath after two. He can deadlift over a 150 pounds, but 110 is my stopping point- he’s better at everything. And even though I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to him- I do it anyway, just because I like the pain that it brings. Any form of emotional pain is also a yes- in my mind. I sound fucking sick and twisted, I know, but I just haven’t figured out any other way to cope.

 

I just fucking hate the life I’m living. My mother is an alcohol addict, my father hates being at home so much- he’s always away on business trips- and I’m just so alone. Ashton was taken from me, and my sister is in college. I have no one- and I think I’m about ready to snap. I’ve held a lot of emotions in for way too long- and one day, everything is going to come out- when I explode- and when that _does_ happen, I don’t think I’ll be alive to see the aftermath.

 

…

 

Luke reenters our room, slipping in and closing the door softly behind him, as not to irritate my pounding head.

 

“Feel any better?” He whispers, coming over to sit on the edge of my bed.

 

I sigh, shaking my head. “It hurts.”

 

“I know,” Luke says gently. “Concussions are awful. Just try and get some rest, okay?”

 

“I’m dizzy, Luke,” I whimper. “And I’m not even sitting up…”

 

“Yeah, that’s a symptom of concussions,” Luke mutters. “Let me know if you feel nauseous, alright?”

 

I groan, shoving my head under my pillow. “I feel awful, fucking hell…”

 

“How’s music for your head? Does it hurt?”

 

“I can’t listen to anything loud…like the soft, slower songs are fine…” I sigh, as a tear slides down my cheek. I can’t even listen to Green Day- and that band is my life. It’s killing me, because music saves me in every way- and the deprivation is not fun.

 

Luke puts on A Daydream Away, by All Time Low, before going back over to his side of the room.

 

Nausea rolls in the pit of my stomach, and the dizziness grows, making my head spin, sending stabs of pain shooting through it. “Fuck…”

 

“Ash? You okay?”

 

“I’m gonna puke…”

 

“Shit,” Luke mutters, grabbing the bucket off one of our shelves, and scooting next to me. He shoves it into my lap, helping me to position myself over it, and winces as vomit spills from my mouth, splashing onto the sides of the bucket with a terrible noise. It smells atrocious, and I can feel tears streaking my cheeks, as I heave once more.

 

Once I finish, Luke moves the bucket to the floor, pulling me into his arms. He rubs my back and kisses the top of my head, murmuring comfort. “It’s okay, relax, you’re fine,” he coos. “It’s all over, you got everything out, can you calm down for me?”

 

“S-Sorry…”

 

“No, don’t apologize,” Luke says softly. “This tends to happen with concussions. Hang on, I’m gonna go clean the bucket, and tell the nurses that your concussion is making you puke, and that you’re not purging. I’ll be back in a couple minutes, alright? Just lay back.”

 

I nod, and he helps me to lie back down. Sighing, I feel for my phone on the beside table, before relaxing and closing my eyes. I feel him get up, and sigh, allowing my mind to wander. I feel so awful, my demons won’t leave me alone, and quite fucking honestly, death would be better than this.

 

…

 

“Ashton?”

 

I blink wearily, glancing at Ms. Simmons lazily. “Hm?”

 

Luke’s hand stills in my hair, but I shake my hair slightly, motioning for him to continue running his fingers through my curly locks. I grab his other hand in mine, squeezing it gently, before lacing my fingers with his. The gesture doesn’t faze him; he just leans down and kisses my hair, before continuing to run his fingers through it.

 

“We’ve just been informed that one of you friends- Calum Hood, I believe, attempted suicide less than half an hour ago- and has been rushed to the hospital.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to update this first because of the cliffhanger, Broken should be updated late tonight or tomorrow. Trigger warnings for suicide, abuse, and depression. Enjoy.

My heart drops to my stomach when I hear Ms. Simmons’ words. Ashton has gone rigid in my arms, staring at her blankly- eyes unblinking, as his face begins to pale. He recovers from his shock moments later, continuing to stare, but finding his voice.

“What the fuck happened?!” Ashton growls, his voice low. 

“I don’t know the details, Ashton, but I’m going to allow you to leave temporarily, to visit him. I’m assuming you want to?”

Ashton nods. “I…I do…but…can Niall come with me? I don’t think I can do this alone, please…?”

A pang of hurt flares up inside me, but I know that Ashton would rather go to Niall instead of me, because Niall was his first friend here, and Niall’s helped him to get comfortable and safe, and he trusts him. Ashton needs someone that’s going to keep him calm and keep him from freaking out- Niall is that person.

“Of course, Ashton,” Ms. Simmons says gently. “Luke, go tell Niall what happened, and Ashton, you can get ready. A car will be here in ten minutes.”

I nod, glancing at Ashton as she leaves the room. “Are you…okay…?”

“My best friend tried to kill himself,” Ashton says calmly. “I’m totally fine.”

“Ashton.”

“Just go get Niall, I need to get to the hospital,” Ashton mutters, rising to his feet and walking over to his bed to grab his phone.

I speed walk out of the room, across the hall into Niall and Michael’s, not bothering to knock. “Niall, you have to come with me.”

From his position on Michael’s lap, Niall sits up and glances at me. “What is it, Luke?”

“It’s Ashton,” I say softly. “Calum…Calum tried to kill himself, he was rushed to the hospital, and Ashton is a mess…Ms. Simmons said that he can get out of here temporarily to visit, and he asked if you could go with him, and she said yes…”

Niall gets to his feet as soon as he hears that. “Shit…alright, I’ll go right now. Thank you for telling me, Luke,” he mutters. He grabs his phone and walks out of the room, leaving me alone with Michael. 

Uncomfortable, I turn and follow Niall, not bothering to hear Michael’s words as I get the hell out of there, making a beeline for my room. When I get inside, I understand why Ashton wanted Niall to come, rather than me.

Niall is hugging him tightly, despite being shorter than the younger boy. Ashton’s face is buried in his shoulder, as Niall murmurs comfort to him, rubbing his back. 

“Everything’s gonna be fine, Ash. He’s going to be okay.” Niall says gently, as Ashton lifts his head up. My heart breaks for him- his face is red and blotchy, eyes teary, lip wobbling. On top of that, he has a concussion, which means his head is pounding, making the entire experience just hell for him.

“He’ll be fine, Ash. Text me when you know something, okay?” I whisper, smiling sadly as Niall leads him toward the door.

“I will, thank you Lukey,” Ashton mumbles, keeping his head down. 

The waiting game is going to be hell.

…

“He promised…” Ashton whispers. “He promised he wouldn’t do anything, Ni!”

“I know,” I soothe. “I know, but he’s going to be fine. Don’t cry, he’s gonna be alright.”

“What if they were too late?” Ashton cries. “His mum is always drunk and his dad is never home and what if they were too fucking late?!”

“Ash, Ashton, calm down.” I put my hands on his shoulders and force him to look at me, looking into his eyes. “He is going to be fine. From what you’ve told me, Calum is strong, and he’s going to fight. He wouldn’t leave you like this.”

“I’m scared, Ni…” Ashton whimpers. “I can’t lose him. I need him.”

“You aren’t going to lose him,” I reassure him. “Just come here, rest for a few minutes. We’ll be there in fifteen.”

Ashton lays his head down on my chest, allowing me to run my hand through his curls, as he closes his eyes. His breathing is the only sound after a couple minutes, but he isn’t exactly sleeping. I just hope Calum pulls through…otherwise Ashton is going to be destroyed.

…

I exit the facility, keeping my footsteps light. I don’t think I’m supposed to be out here- the building is gated, of course, but I still don’t think I’m allowed to leave. Either way, being in there was suffocating, and I needed a breather. I just had therapy, and those sessions wreck me, because of how hard my therapist tries to delve into my past. Can’t she see I don’t want to talk about it?

“Hey, you.”

I glance up, and my eyes widen. Standing before me are three of the guys who are supposedly in isolation right now. They’ve all got anger management issues- same as Lou- which is why they’re down there. 

“What do you want?” I ask, my voice soft.

“To do this.” A fist slams into my face with a loud crack, and I yelp in pain, as the guy pulls back.

“What the fuck was that for?!”

“For being a dick to us. Don’t you remember? You were an asshole to us, when we first came in, and we told you we’d get you back for it.”

My eyes widen in realization. But before I can say anything, another fist slams into my face, knocking me to the ground. Punches and kicks overwhelm me, and my body screams with pain- dark spots clouding my vision. I’m dizzy and I feel really nauseous and I can’t scream, because one of them has a hand over my mouth.

“HEY! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!”

Another voice is heard, more angry than anything, and enough to scare the guys into dropping my limp form to the ground and rushing off. 

“Fuck, Luke.”

I blink open one of my eyes- the other one is swollen shut- to see Michael kneeling beside me, worry crossing his face. 

“W-Why…I thought you hated me…?” I choke out, my voice hoarse.

“I don’t hate you, Luke,” Michael says softly. “I don’t. We can talk about this later, for now, can you stand…?”

He helps me up, and pain explodes all over my body, making me wince and clench my teeth, as tears come to my eyes. My right ankle really hurts, and I can almost feel blood pulsing out of open wounds scattered throughout my lanky frame.

When the time comes to put weight on my ankle, I waver, collapsing into Michael’s arms with a whimper of pain.

“That would be a no,” Michael observes, lifting me into his arms. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“Mikey…?”

He stops walking, looking down at me. “Yeah?”

“Thanks…”

…

“He’s in critical condition- he was rushed into surgery as soon as he was brought in, and they’re still working on him.”

I feel my throat close up, and my eyes fill with tears again, but Niall places his hand on my shoulder and looks to the receptionist. “What is he in surgery for?”

“Stitching up a long gash on his arm, and they’re also pumping his stomach. He sliced his wrist open and swallowed a bottle of painkillers. Luckily, we reached him in time- otherwise he’d be dead by now.”

Niall thanks her, but I barely register it, as he leads me over to one of the chairs in the waiting room. I slump down and stare blankly at the wall, tears streaming down my cheeks. 

“Ash, I know it looks bad, but they can save him. He’ll be fine,” Niall says softly, rubbing my back.

I don’t respond, as the tears fall faster, running down my cheeks in small rivulets. “Why, Cal? Why’d you have to do this to me…? I love you…why…?”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short, but I had to end where I did. And see if you guys catch the reference I made in the first scene.

Calum looks fucking _awful_.

 

His skin is deathly pale, making him look almost white in the hospital bed. Wires and tubes are sticking out of various places in his skin. White gauze is wrapped around his left arm, covering the cut he hoped would end it all.

 

“Cal…” I whisper, tears rolling down my cheeks, as I sit down in the chair next to his bed, grabbing his hand in mine. “Oh, Calum…”

 

“He’s gonna be fine,” Niall says again. “I have faith in him.”

 

“What if he’s lost too much blood?” I sigh, staring at the bad of crimson liquid hanging from a pole, which is connected to a tube inserted in his arm.

 

“That’s why they’re giving it back to him.”

 

“What if he tries again, Ni?” I whimper, tears falling and clinging to my neck.

 

“He won’t,” Niall reassures me. “I’m gonna hope they admit him to Riverfront, and you can take care of him, if he _does_ end up there.”

 

“That’d be awesome,” I mutter. “I’ve missed him so much.”

 

“I know you have,” Niall replies. “It’s been obvious. You’ve been a depressed, mopey, sulky mess, and you’re always extremely depressed and suicidal after he leaves. You need him to feel okay, and that’s a good thing, Ash. It’s better than needing a blade to feel okay. Calum is your reason.”

 

“My reason?”

 

Niall smiles ruefully. “Your only reason. The reason your heart will never give up on you, no matter how numb your head may feel. Your reason to live. That’s Mikey and Grace for me. Yours is Calum.”

 

“Calum, Harry, and Lauren.”

 

“Harry? You mean Harry Styles?” Niall looks at me confusedly, and I shake my head, forcing a smile.

 

“My little brother’s name is also Harry. And I have a little sister named Lauren. She was the one who found me, after I…y’know…” I sigh, memories fogging my mind. “Harry’s 10, and Lauren’s 14. They’re amazing, and they look up to me…not sure if they wanna be suicidal, self-harming, depressed freaks like their big bro, but…”

 

“Don’t say that. You’re not a freak. Sure, you’re suicidal, depressed, and you cut yourself, but you’re still an amazing brother, from what I’ve seen.”

 

I chuckle humorlessly. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Lauren’s terrified of me now. She found me lying in a pool of my own fucking blood, Niall.”

 

“She’s your sister,” Niall reminds me. “And she needs her big brother. Have you talked to either of them since you got here?”

 

I shake my head. “Wasn’t sure…my mum and dad don’t really care about me…they just sent me to get “fixed”…my relationship with them is really shitty. But I was the one to raise Harry and Lauren, after my parents divorced and my dad left…”

 

“Text your sister, Ash,” Niall says gently. “That’ll help.”

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“Trust me.”

 

…

 

“Damn Luke, you look like you were just beaten up by a gang,” Michael comments, dabbing my noise with a cotton ball.

 

“Feels like it,” I sigh. “Ow, be careful!”

 

Michael sighs and puts the cotton down, looking at me carefully. “Your eye is swelling, is your lip still bleeding?”

 

“No,” I mutter. “My stomach and ribs hurt, though.”

 

“Alright, lay back and take off your shirt.”

 

“Sexual much?”

 

Michael rolls his eyes. “Smartass. Just take it off so I can see what they’ve done to you.”

 

When I do shrug out of my t-shirt, Michael gasps. “Shit, Luke…”

 

“What? What’s wrong?”

 

He shakes his head. “You’re all bruised…your entire stomach is covered in bruises and cuts, and it looks awful…doesn’t that hurt like fucking hell?”

 

“When I move, yeah, ugh…”

 

“They really hurt you, Luke…here, Luke your foot in my lap, let’s see how much damage you’ve done there…”

 

I do as he says, wincing, and Michael begins to flex my foot around, leaving pain to shoot through me.

 

“Fuck, stop!” I yell, my chest heaving. “That hurts!”

 

“I’m sorry,” He says softly. “I’ll get you some ice later. Just maybe rest for a bit? You’ll feel better soon, and then we can take care of wrapping everything. I’ll ask for some ace bandages and shit once you fall asleep.”

 

“Thank you, Mikey, for everything…” I say softly. “Why are you being so nice to me? I thought you hated me…for what I did to Niall…”

 

Michael sighs. “I’m not happy about that, that’s for sure. But if he forgives you…I can’t hold a grudge forever. He seems to really have forgiven you, and if he can put the past behind him, I should be able to, too…”

 

“That’s…thank you so much…” I say softly. “I know I’ve fucked up in the past, but I’m going to change…I’m a better person now, I promise.”

 

…

 

When I blink my eyes open, I’m surrounded by white. I know I’m in the hospital, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t pissed because I’m here. My goal was to die, and now I won’t be able to achieve that. Goddamn, I’m pathetic. Can’t even kill himself successfully, can I? I just wish…I just wish someone would’ve realized how _done_ I am with everything, and respected that I wanted to die. Because I fucking hate the life that I’m living right now- death would honestly be better than this. I just fucking wish my suicide attempt would’ve fucking worked.

 

“C-Calum…?”

 

My head snaps up, and I find myself face to face with Ashton. “H-Hi…”

 

“Oh my fucking god,” Ashton mumbles, before getting onto the bed and throwing his arms around my neck. “I thought I fucking lost you for good, you fucking asshole. Why the hell did you do that?!”

 

“Why do you _think_ someone tries to off themselves? Because I wanted to die,” I say shortly, staying rigid in his arms. I refuse to accept comfort and love- when I was too pathetic to even _kill_ myself successfully. I’m just a fucking disappointment- I don’t know why the fuck he wants me here so badly.

 

“Calum, I…”

 

“Fuck off, Ashton. I shouldn’t fucking be here. I wanted to fucking die, and you fucking saved me. Fuck you.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might hate me...so I'll just let you read.

“C-Calum…” I stare at him, tears forming in my eyes. “I didn’t mean…I need you…”

 

“You don’t,” Calum growls. “You don’t need me to fuck you up even more. You’ve already done a wonderful job of that yourself.”

 

His words slam into me, making me even dizzier. I’m already really tired, kinda nauseous, and my head fucking hurts- the dizziness doesn’t make anything better. My mind is racing; thoughts of self-hatred flooding me like tidal waves. I can’t breathe- I’m about to panic- my anxiety is definitely flaring up, full-force, and I need to get out of here.

 

“I-I’m sorry,” I choke out, as a few tears slip past my eyes, standing up so fast my chair screeches against the tiled floor. The sound sparks more pain in my skull, and I whimper, putting a hand up to my temple and squeezing my eyes shut. I hear Calum say something, but I can’t tell what it is, and frankly, I don’t care right now.

 

My feet carry me out of the room, and I’m crashing against the side wall as soon as I close the door. I slump down, burying my head in my knees, and let the tears fall. Everything hurts- my head, my heart, my chest- and I’m having trouble catching my breath. I can’t process everything- I just need some kind of relief.

 

My mind is still attacking me- harsh words that really only make me more panicked. I just need a blade. Once I cut through my skin- the pain will all fade away. _Physical pain takes away the mental pain. Distract yourself with physical pain. It’ll shut down your mind- even if it’s only temporarily._

 

“Ashton!”

 

Not having the strength to look up, I know that Niall is coming toward me. Moments later, he sits down beside me- warm body pressing into mine. I shake my head and refuse to acknowledge him, reaching up to grip my dirty blonde locks. I begin to pull, relishing the pain and wanting to rip my hair out. I need to be in control. I hate not being able to control everything. I’m spiraling out of control, and everything hurts.

 

“Ashton!” Niall’s voice is much more worried now. He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him, shaking his head and putting my arms back at my sides. “What the _hell_ is going on?!”

 

“Cal…he…hates me…panic…head hurts…” I choke out, hoping my garbled sentence will make at least _some_ sense, because I honestly don’t think I can explain it better right now.

 

“Ashton, Ashton _calm down_ ,” Niall says, forcing me to look into his eyes. “Can you try and breathe with me? C’mon, in, and out. In, and out. There you go, keep breathing, that’s good- you’re gonna be fine, Ash.”

 

When I finally have control of my breathing, he asks me again. “What the hell happened in there, Ash?”

 

“Calum said…he said he hates me and that I’m fucked up and he’s mad at me for saving him and my head hurts and I’m so tired and dizzy and nauseous and I just wanna die Niall why the fuck won’t you let me _die_?!”

 

“Hey, hey, shhhh, relax, alright?” Niall soothes. “He yelled at you?”

 

“I can’t do this,” I mumble, closing my eyes and curling in on myself.

 

“Alright, come on,” Niall says gently, helping me to my feet. “Let’s get you situated, don’t want you passing out on me.”

 

He leads me to the waiting room, and directs me into a chair in the corner, away from prying eyes, and reaches into his pocket, pulling out his wallet.

 

“I’m gonna go get you a bottle of water, alright?” Niall kneels down so we’re eye level, reaching up to brush the tears off my cheeks. “Stop crying, you’re alright, I promise. I’m gonna go get you that water, and you’re gonna sit here and relax and calm down, okay?”

 

“I’ll…I’ll try…”

 

“Good. You’re going to be okay, Ash. I swear, you’re gonna be fine.”

 

…

 

After I know Ashton is okay- for the time-being- I leave him in the waiting room and walk back to Calum’s room. I know that he just tried to kill himself, but that gives him no right to say shit to Ashton- and I’m going to give the asshole a piece of my mind. He needs a fucking reality check right now.

 

I open the door and storm inside, the amount of noise I’m making starling him. He sits straight up in bed, staring at me with wide eyes. “What the hell do you want?”

 

“I want to know why the fuck you made Ashton cry.”

 

Disbelief creeps into Calum’s gaze. “What?”

 

I cross my arms over my chest, glaring at him. “I want to know why one of my best friends- and _your_ best friend- night I add- is sitting in the waiting room, crying over how you supposedly “hate” him, and how badly he’s feeling right now.”

 

“I didn’t…I told him the truth,” Calum says softly. “That he should’ve let me die because I want to be dead.”

 

“Let me fill you in on a little something, Calum.” My voice is cold, venom dripping from every word. “When we got that call, Ashton panicked. He panicked because we didn’t know whether you were _alive_ or not. He panicked and he fell apart. He fell apart, sobbing for god knows how long, talking about how much he needs you and how he can’t live without you. That boy loves you _so_ fucking _much_ , and this is how you repay him? Hearing about this _destroyed_ him. And you’ve just made him hate himself even more. And need I remind you that he’s concussed? His head is killing him and the poor boy is nauseous and dizzy as hell, yet he still came out here to see you- to _make_ sure you’re alright. And all you do is yell at him. What kind of friend are you, Calum?”

 

…

 

When I walk out of Calum’s room, it’s with a sense of satisfaction. I finally but that asshole in his place- and made him see what he did to Ashton. He’s scrambling for an apology now, just what I thought.

 

I go back into the waiting room- my eyes widening when I see no sigh of Ashton. I thought I told him not to leave? _Dammit, he could be anywhere._ Shaking my head to clear it, I whirl around and start down the connecting hall, eyes searching desperately for the taller boy.

 

What I see next, makes me skid to a halt, my eyes widening comically. In front of me, is Ashton- curled into a corner, holding a blade over the vertical length of his forearm. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda dark, I'm sorry. Depression's hit me pretty heavily in the past couple days, so a lot of what Ashton says in this are my own thoughts on paper. Just a warning, ahead of time.

“Ashton,” I say slowly, kneeling down to his height. “Ashton, give me the blade.”

 

Ashton curls further into himself, shaking his head. “Let me end it, Ni, please. Cal hates me. _I_ hate me. I have nothing to live for, and quite damn honestly, I’m getting no better at Riverfront. My head hurts like shit, and I feel like crap all the damn time, and quite fucking honestly, I’m done feeling like one of the walking dead.”

 

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” I say incredulously, staring at him.

 

“It means that I’m tired of feeling dead on the inside. I’m still alive, but I’m barely breathing- I have no desire to live anymore, Niall. I’m sick of being told it’ll get better. I’m sick of fucking up everything for everyone. Calum can get better without me, and my parents? Fuck them, they would never miss me.”

 

“Ashton…did you take your meds today…?”

 

His eyes darken. “No. That’s the fucking thing, Niall. I don’t want to take medication to be normal. That’s just proving that I _am_ fucked up, and I don’t _want_ to live like this!”

 

“Ash, the meds are supposed to help control your depression. That’s _it_. They’re not changing you in any way, and you _are_ normal. You’re depressed and suicidal. I’m depressed and bulimic. And am I normal? Is it _normal_ to throw up everything you eat after a meal? I doubt it. But I’m trying to get better- and you should be doing the same. You’ve got your entire life ahead, Ash.”

 

“You don’t fucking get it,” Ashton growls. “Mikey does. He knows what it’s like. And he understands. He’s not trying to _change_ me. If it weren’t for him giving me this blade, I’d be dead by now.”

 

I sigh, feeling defeated. Ashton _does_ have a point. Michael understands him much better than I do- because he has the same depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm problem that Ashton has.

 

“Well, we gotta get back to Riverfront,” I tell him softly. “Can you hang on until we get there? You don’t have to talk to me. You just need to come with me. Once we get back, you can vent to Mikey, I’m sure he’ll listen. How does that sound?”

 

Ashton glances at me, and then looks down at the blade in his hand, contemplating for a good two minutes. Finally, he lifts his head and nods wearily, rising to his feet, and slipping the blade into his pocket.

 

“You said I didn’t have to talk to you,” he says tightly, wrapping his arms around himself and striding down the hall.

 

…

 

When we get back to the facility, I go straight for Michael and Niall’s room, but what I find there shocks me to the bone. Luke is lying on Niall’s empty bed, his body covered in heavy bruising- one eye blackened and his nose bruised- lip puffy. He turns his head when I enter, and Michael rises to his feet, walking over.

 

“What the _fuck_ happened?!” I burst out, staring at Luke.

 

“He got beat up,” Michael replies softly. “He’s going to be okay, the nurses patched him up.”

 

“How’s Calum?” Luke mumbles.

 

“I don’t know,” I mutter bitterly. “He was too busy telling me how much he hates me and what a fuck I am, to even get into how he felt.”

 

Michael’s eyes widen. “ _What_?!”

 

“Ashton…” Luke attempts to sit up, but falls back to the bed with a wince. Ignoring the pain, he presses on. “Ashton, did he yell at you?”

 

I nod. “Yeah…it wasn’t…wasn’t good…” Remembering that makes my head spin, and Michael’s voice breaks me out of my own head- as I refocus on him.

 

“Ash…are you…are you okay?”

 

“No,” I whisper. “No, I’m not. Niall found me with the blade inches away from my arm…I was about to end it…I just…”

 

“Oh fuck, Ashton…” Michael’s eyes are glassy when I look into them, and he steps forward, pulling me into his arms and hugging me tightly. “Thank fucking god you didn’t.”

 

“The only reason I didn’t,” I say, my voice muffled by his shoulder. “Is because Niall told me that you’d let me vent…can, I mean, would you mind if I did…? It’s okay if you don’t want me to, I can handle it…”

 

Michael shakes his head immediately. “Don’t even go there. Of course you can. I’ll have Niall come in here to watch over Luke, and we can go out to our special place, alright?”

 

…

 

“So, what’s up?” Michael asks gently, as we stand on the bridge. I look down at the rushing water, figuring out just how I’m going to say this. Clearly, I can’t lie to him- Michael knows me better than that- but I also know that the truth _might_ scare him. My mind is a terrifying place, and the thoughts I’ve ben thinking the past few days are nothing short of morbid.

 

“I don’t know how to say it, Mikey…” I mutter, shaking my head as a lump forms in my throat. I swallow hard, forcing myself not to cry. I’m not a fucking baby.

 

“Hey,” Michael says softly, kneeling down so he can look up at me. “Look at me.” He lifts my chin and looks into my eyes, smiling. “I’m not going to pressure you into telling me something that’s going to make you uncomfortable. But I can see so much pain in your eyes, and I can see the tears, Ash. I can see how badly you’re beating yourself up, for something you have no control over. And goddammit, you know I won’t judge you. I’ve felt the same way before- I _know_ how it feels. You don’t ever have to be scared about telling me _anything_ , I promise.”

 

His words strike a chord in me, and before I know it, the tears are falling down my cheeks, and Michael sighs heavily. “Aww, Ash, come here…” He pulls me into a hug, and I bury my face in his shoulder, soaking his shirt with my tears, but not really thinking he’ll care.

 

“I’m just…so _done_ with everything…” I choke out. “The situation with my parents…it hurts so fucking much…the shit they’ve put me through…I can’t…I’m a worthless piece of shit that’s a disgrace to their family, and they’ve never let me forget it. And Calum hates me and I feel so alone and I have no one and everything just hurts and I want to die, Mikey. I wanna die so fucking bad.”

 

“Breathe,” Michael says, rubbing my back. “You’re doing fine, just let it out. This is good for you, I promise.”

 

“And Calum hates me and I’ve known him since we were like seven and I can’t deal with him hating me because at this point I’m only staying alive because he’d destroy himself if I committed suicide. And now he hates me so there’s no fucking point anymore so I just need to die and go and be done with everything. I’ve been here for almost a month and a half and I’m not getting any better and everything just hurts and I fucking hate being so fucked up like this and I hate being depressed and wanting to die but I can’t change it I can’t change me. I hate that people have to deal with me and I can’t be okay for Calum. I let him attempt suicide because I was too out of it to do anything. I’m such a mess Mikey and I fucking hate it.”

 

“You’re panicking, come on, breathe for me,” Michael coos. “I know how you feel. And I get it. It’s shitty and it hurts and you have every right to want to kill yourself. But I can’t tell you to go ahead, can I? You’re not supposed to get me to agree with you. Killing yourself may seem like the only option right now, but I promise- there are other ways to deal with this.”

 

“They don’t work,” I grumble. “I’m too fucked up.”

 

“ _No one_ is broken beyond repair, Ashton,” Michael says firmly. “And I know how damaged you are. And I really fucking wish I could murder your parents and everyone who broke your spirit. But that won’t solve anything. Neither will cutting yourself. I know that _I_ gave you that blade, but cutting yourself is only going to make your depression worse, take that from experience.”

 

“What am I gonna do, Mikey?” I whimper. “All hope is lost…”

 

Michael forces me to look him in the eye. “Don’t _ever_ say that. All hope is _not_ lost. And I know that Niall doesn’t understand you as well as I do, and neither does Luke, for that matter, so you can come to me _any_ time. Hell, if you woke me up at 3 am, I wouldn’t say a thing about it. Because quite damn honestly, Ashton, I’d rather be shaken awake at arse o’clock in the morning, and let you vent and keep you _alive,_ than sleep through the entire thing, and wake up the next morning to find you _dead_.”


	19. Chapter 19

I grab the handle of my duffel bag and pull it out of the car, forcing a smile to the taxi driver, as I close the trunk. He drives off, and then I’m left staring at the building in front of me. I’ve been here before- as a visitor- but never actually as a patient. I never imagined I’d be here- but the doctors insisted. I mean, I know I _should_ be here, considering how much I’ve been cutting and the suicidal thoughts running through my head- but my mother is never sober enough to care.

 

 _I guess this is it_. Sighing heavily, I walk into the building, and straight up to the front desk.

 

“Calum Hood, right?” Ms. Simmons glances at me, and I nod.

 

“Alright, Calum. I assume you know what to expect- does Ashton know you’re here?”

 

I shake my head, eyes widening. “No, no he doesn’t. He has no idea. Please don’t tell him.”

 

Confusion flickers in her gaze, but she nods all the same. “You’re in room 584. Your roommate is already there- he’s pretty excited to meet you. You know the way, right?”

 

I give a soft affirmation, and she smiles. “Go ahead and get settled. You’ve got therapy in an hour- just a diagnosis. It’s not going to be a long appointment, we just need to figure out what medication to put you on and what symptoms you’re showing.”

 

“Okay…” I say softly, before turning and walking down the hall, and into the elevator. I know that Ashton and Luke’s room is 582, and Niall and Michael’s is 583. I didn’t know that there weren’t people in 584.

 

When I get to the room, I glance up at the door. A gleaming 584 rests on the wood, embroidered in gold numbering. Sighing, I push open the door, stepping inside and carrying my duffel bag.

 

There’s a guy on one of the beds- specifically the left one. He lifts his head as soon as he sees me, moving his laptop away and removing his earbuds. Jumping up, he walks over to me with a big smile. “Hey, you’re Calum, right?”

 

I nod slightly. “Y-Yeah…I’m guessing you’re my roommate…?”

 

“That I am,” he says, light flashing in his sapphire gaze.

 

…

 

Nervously, I lift my hand to knock on the door to Ashton and Luke’s room. I was just convinced to do this- mainly by the guy standing next to me. I told him everything, and he practically forced me to do this- saying that making up with Ashton would be my best bet, at this point.

 

The door swings open, and Michael stands before us. His facial expression changes when he sees us, darkening. “What is it?”

 

“I’m here to see Ashton,” I say softly. “I’m a patient here, officially…and I wanted to talk to him. I know I have some things to apologize for. I fucked up, and I’m owning up to it.”

 

“You’re not going to be alone with him,” Michael growls. “You _hurt_ him. He’s still really upset. If you want to talk to him, I’m going to be there when it happens.”

 

“Mikey, who’s at the- oh my fucking god!” Luke’s voice rises as he limps into view. My eyes widen, seeing his bruised body- wondering what the _fuck_ happened to him.

 

“Luke!”

 

“Louis!” Luke cries, as the guy beside me crosses into the room in a single stride, wrapping Luke into his arms tightly.

 

“Does he…what…?” I look at them in confusion, and Louis lifts his head, pressing a quick kiss to Luke’s blonde hair, before turning to me.

 

“I’ve been on the restricted floor for over a month, Calum. Luke was my roommate before Ashton took his place. I was declared well enough to be moved back up here last night, so here I am.”

 

It all makes sense now. When I saw Ashton for the first time, he told me that Luke had punched him in the eye- because he’d thought Ashton had something to do with his roommate’s disappearance. And now I realize…that roommate was _Louis_.

 

“W-Why is he here…?” A small voice grabs my attention, and I turn to the source of the sound. Ashton is sitting on his bed, a hand up to his temple- eyes innocent and vulnerable- looking at me in complete terror.

 

…

 

“I need to talk to you,” Calum says, anxiousness in his eyes.

 

Fear bubbles in my stomach, just looking at him. Last time I saw him, he yelled at me and made me want to kill myself. I don’t know what this time brings, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared of him…

 

“It’s okay, Ash,” Michael says gently. He comes over and pulls me back into his arms, and I bury my head in his shoulder, not exactly wanting to look at Calum right now. “I’ll be right there the entire time.”

 

“Guys? I’m gonna take Luke into Cal’s and my room,” Louis announces. “I gotta talk to him.”

 

Finding out that _Louis_ is Calum’s roommate makes me happy. Luke has been really upset; really depressed lately…it’ll help him to have his best friend back with him. I think he really needs that…

 

Michael holds me closer, and I lift my head, meeting Calum’s gaze as he joins us, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at us warily.

 

“I…I know that I really hurt you, Ashton. And you have no idea how sorry I am,” Calum begins. “I just…I really wanted to die. Life at home…y’know, it’s really shitty. My mother’s a fucking bitch and my father hasn’t been home in over two weeks. You were here…so I had no one and nowhere to turn. I really wanted to die…and when I found out that I didn’t…I was pissed. I had no right to take any of it out on you- you’re still recovering, and goddamn, you didn’t need that. I’m so fucking sorry from the bottom of my heart, Ash…I love you so much…can you forgive me?”

 

…

 

“What the _fuck_ happened?” As soon as I pull Luke back into my arms, I pose the question, holding him tightly and scouring his body for all the bruises. He winces, shifting a bit in my arms, and sighs heavily.

 

“Got beat up,” he whispers, sounding choked up.

 

“Oh, Lukey…” I kiss his forehead gently, my heart breaking at his swollen, blackened eye and puffy lip. “Are you in a lot of pain?”

 

He nods shakily. “My ribs hurt a lot…and I just…I really wanna die and Lou…you have no idea how much this helps…you being back…I need you.”

 

“I know, babe,” I say softly. “I worked so hard to get better for you. I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Luke replies tightly.

 

“Oh god…you’re in pain, aren’t you…?”

 

He nods, squeezing his eyes shut, and I sigh. Sitting up, I cradle him against me, allowing him to lean on me. His head falls into my shoulder, and he sighs softly, as some of the pain starts to go away.

 

“My ankle…elevate it…” Luke mumbles.

 

“Shit, yeah,” I mutter, grabbing a pillow and slipping it under his foot. “Is this better?”

 

Luke nods slightly. “Yeah…this is nice, thank you Lou.”

 

I smile. “No problem, babe. I’m here now. You’re not alone- you’ve never been alone, and you never will be alone. I love you so much. You’re gonna be okay.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting the same author's note I posted on the most recent chapter of Broken. This story isn't ending yet, but Broken is, and after I finish that, I've got two ideas on what to write next. I do need some help in deciding a few things- that's where you guys come in. 
> 
> The first one is an AU story that follows Rejects- Ashton, Michael, Calum, and Luke are rejects in school, bullied, hated on, etc, and the story unfolds their pasts and how broken they are- how they meet and the road they travel to fix each other. I'm still not sure what ships I'm doing, so I'm leaving that up to you guys- Lashton and Malum, Muke and Cashton, or Mashton and Cake?
> 
> The other one is a sequel to The Only Reason. It shows Ashton's recovery- along with the true horror that he was put through in captivity. Along with that- it also goes deeper into what Luke, Michael, and Calum went through while he was gone. The story also focuses on their recovery and their relaunch, as a band. It's OT4 centric, bromance of all pairings.
> 
> My question to you guys- is what would you like to see first? I'm writing both, that's for sure, but I can only write two stories at once- especially after school starts. So, please comment below- which one would you like me to start working on? It'll be posted right after Broken wraps up, so there's that. Thanks for reading- I know this author's note was long. The support is what keeps me writing for you guys- and I'm truly grateful.


	20. Chapter 20

“Lou?”

 

“Yeah, Lukey?”

 

I glance up into his sapphire orbs, lifting my head up from its place on his chest. “I have something to tell you…”

 

“Oh?” Louis raises an eyebrow, shifting a bit so I’m more comfortable. He coaxes me to rest my head on his chest again, and I sigh heavily, closing my eyes. I don’t know how to tell him this…I may just be better off saying it straight out.

 

“Lou, I…I think I’m gay…”

 

Louis’ face changes, but he doesn’t say anything for the next few moments- eliciting fear. Panic bubbles up in my stomach- because what if he’s against gay people? What if he hates me now? What if he wants nothing to do with me anymore?

 

“Luke, Lukey, are you with me?” Louis says after a couple minutes, making me look at him.

 

“Y-Yeah…” I say shakily, wondering what the next words to come out of his mouth will be.

 

“Don’t look so scared, love, it’s okay,” Louis promises. “I’m gay too, babe.”

 

This shocks me. I stare at him, not able to react for the next few seconds. “I had…I had no idea, why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“For the same reason you waited so long to tell me,” Louis answers. “I have a boyfriend, Lukey.”

 

“You do? Do I know him? Who is he? Oh my fucking god, why didn’t you _tell_ me?!”

 

“I do. Yes. He’s one of your best friends. And because I didn’t know whether you would judge me…I was scared…”

 

“Well, I can’t, obviously. But who the _fuck_ is he?!”

 

“Harry.”

 

…

 

Wincing, I rest my head on Michael’s lap, allowing him to play with my hair. Calum is still sitting in front of us- but he’s gotten more interested in talking to Mikey. They’re having a very “intriguing” conversation on FIFA and other video games- things I’m really not interested in. Not that I can process much info, anyway. My head hurts like a bitch.

 

The pounding migraine in my skull won’t fucking _go away_ , and it’s irritating me so much. It hurts and makes me nauseous and dizzy and I feel so damn crappy all the time. And what’s worse is my mental health is shit- and when you feel crappy in every way possible, it just makes thoughts of suicide so much goddamn stronger.

 

“Fuck,” I whisper, a hand up to my head.

 

“Ash?” Michael glances at me, worry in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

 

“It hurts,” I whisper, blinking back the tears in my eyes.

 

“Here, let’s sit you up,” Michael says softly, helping me off his lap. The moment I’m sitting upright, dizzy sparks flash, and I’m left feeling so faint. I shake my head quickly and flop back down onto his lap, hands on my head.

 

“M’so dizzy, Mikey…”

 

“Get an icepack from the front,” Michael orders Calum. The dark-haired boy nods, sliding off the bed and rushing out the door, accidentally slamming it behind him and causing agony in my head.

 

“Ow…” I whimper, a tear falling out of my eye and hitting his sweatpant-clad leg. Michael cringes, leaning down to kiss my hair and brush him fingers through it.

 

“Shhh, Calum’s gonna be back with ice, and then you’ll feel better,” he promises.

 

“Why does it hurt so much…?” I whine. “It’s been almost two weeks…”

 

“Concussions hurt a lot, Ash,” Michael says sorrowfully. “I’ve had my fair share of them. They don’t go away for a long time. It’ll eventually fade to just a small headache.”

 

“Ugh…” I groan, closing my eyes. “I feel awful.”

 

“I know you do,” Michael murmurs. “Shhh, don’t speak. The voices are going to hurt you even more.”

 

Thudding footsteps spark more pain in my skull, but it means Calum’s back, and I feel something cold and hard press to my head, numbing the pain. The ice feels so good against my pounding skull, and Mikey’s fingers slowly massage my scalp, making the feeling even better.

 

“Ms. Simmons also gave me some aspirin, she said it’d help.”

 

“Okay, you gotta sit up for this, Ash,” Michael whispers, helping me up, keeping the ice pressed to my head.

 

The dizziness flares back up, and I wince, as I swallow down the pills, immediately lying back down on Michael’s lap.

 

“I think a pillow would be better for you…” Michael says, keeping his tone low and his voice soft.

 

“No,” I mumble blindly. “Your lap is fine. You’re comfy. Shut up and let me sleep.”

 

…

 

“Who do you like, Lukey?” Louis asks, after I’ve recovered from my momentary shock about my best friends dating.

 

Blushing furiously, I shake my head, avoiding his eyes. “I…um, it’s just…”

 

Louis rolls his eyes. “Please say you’re not thinking about me judging you. I don’t _care_ who it is. I want you to be happy, Lukey.”

 

“I like…ugh, it’s so weird. It’s fucked up and I hate myself because he’s not even gay and he’d never go out with me, not after what I’ve done to him.”

 

“Luke.”

 

“I just…”

 

“Lucas,” Louis says firmly. “You’re not going to make it any better by not telling me. Just tell me, get it over with, and then I can help you.”

 

“I like…I like Ashton…”

 

…

 

“Grace, you gotta come quickly, it’s Niall!”

 

One of the nurses pokes her head into my room, and I rise to my feet, immediately alert. Niall? What could be wrong with him? The thoughts run through my head, as I follow her blindly down the hall.

 

When I get into Niall’s room, my eyes widen. My boyfriend is sitting in a corner, pressed against the wall and curled into a ball. He’s deathly pale, shaking, and I can hear him mumbling incoherently to himself.

 

“Niall, oh my god!” I whisper. Dropping down to my knees in front of him, I take his hands in mine, and force him to look into my eyes.

 

“He’s having a panic attack,” The nurse tells me. “He was ready to purge after lunch, and I wouldn’t let him, and he just freaked out- he kept saying he needed you, and I didn’t want to distress him even more, so I called you. You _can_ calm him down, I’m assuming?”

 

“I can,” I confirm, before turning my full attention to my boyfriend. “Ni, come on, breathe. You’re fine, babe. Breathe. I love you, and I need you to breathe. You’re going to hyperventilate if you don’t.”

 

“C-Can’t,” Niall puffs out, his voice weak and breaking.

 

“Yes you can,” I tell him firmly. “You’re fine, baby. You’re not fat, and you don’t need to throw up. I promise, you’re not fat. Shhh, breathe for me.”

 

“Y-Yes I am!” Niall cries, starting to work himself up again.

 

“Niall,” I repeat. “You gotta relax. I’m right here, baby. I’m here for you. I’ll hold you and I’ll never let you go- just please try and calm down for me. You’re fine.”

 

Coughing, Niall starts to relax, his breathing beginning to settle down. His shallow breathing starts to return to normal, and I sigh in relief. I wasn’t sure if I would’ve been able to calm him down, if he didn’t listen to me.

 

“There you go,” I say softly, kissing his cheek. “You’re okay.”

 

“I’m sorry…” Niall mumbles. “I’m such a mess, I thought I was getting better…”

 

“You _are_.” I kiss him quickly, pecking his lips to show him I’m sincere about this. I haven't spent that much time with him lately, he needs to know I love him. “You _are_ getting better. Recovery isn’t just one smooth road- there’s bumps along the way, and it’s okay to have little slip-ups. This doesn’t change anything. I love you. And I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a lot's revealed here. This is where the story kinda picks up- with the Lashton, especially. And there was some Malum in there- I'm gonna be building on that soon. Thoughts? Thanks for reading- I hope you enjoyed.


	21. Chapter 21

“You should tell him how you feel, Lukey…”

 

“No!” I cry, shaking my head vigorously. “I don’t even know if he feels the same way- I don’t want to look like an idiot who just got his heart broken, when he rejects me.”

 

“You mean _if_ he rejects you, babe,” Louis corrects. “For all you know, he could be gay too, you haven’t asked- you have no idea.”

 

“He’s been quiet about himself,” I sigh. “Like, his past, shit about him in general…he’s been quiet…I dunno, maybe he just wants nothing to do with me? Maybe he’s still mad at me for being the dick I was when he came?”

 

“That’s bullshit, and you _know_ it,” Louis tells me firmly. “He came down to visit me, and he seemed really sincere and worried about you. It’s not easy to fake that kind of shit- he does care about you.”

 

“I just…I don’t know, Lou…why’d I have to fall for him…?”

 

“Love is love, Luke,” Louis replies. “You can’t control it.”

 

The door creaks open, and we both look up, Louis’ face lighting up.

 

“Harry!”

 

“Hey guys,” Harry says softly, coming over to us. “I heard Lou was moved back up here, and I just had to come and see him.”

 

“And what am I? Chopped liver?” I tease, turning my face away in mock offense.

 

“Oh come on, you know I wanted to see you too,” Harry replies.

 

“He knows, Hazza,” Louis says. “I told him about us.”

 

“Aw, really?” Harry smiles. “That’s awesome.” He leans over and presses his lips to Louis’, and I grin. It’s nice to see Louis so happy…Harry makes him so much happier, and I’m so glad he’s found someone.

 

“And our little Lukey is gay, too,” Louis sing-songs, making me glare and slap his arm playfully.

 

“Did I tell you it was okay to broadcast my sexuality to the entire world?” I grumble.

 

Louis rolls his eyes. “It’s Harry, moron. And Haz, guess who he’s crushing on?!”

 

“Lou, I swear to fucking god…”

 

“Who, babe?”

 

“Ashton!”

 

“Wow, fuck you too,” I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest. “Nothing’s a secret around here, is it?”

 

…

 

The next day brings groans all around.

 

“Why’s everyone so pissed?” I mutter, as Luke stands in front of the mirror, fixing his hair.

 

“Today’s visiting day,” he replies. “It’s the day where all our family members come and tell us how fucked up were are, and ask why we’re not “fixed” yet. No one likes it, except the people who don’t have any family.”

 

“Do you have family coming?” I ask softly. “Is that why you’re in an awful mood?”

 

Luke’s face hardens. “Don’t ask about my family, please.”

 

“Luke, I…”

 

“Seriously,” Luke mutters. “Don’t. I don’t like talking about them.”

 

Before I can say something, he puts his comb down, and turns, walking out of the room without giving me a chance to get a word in. Confused, I shake my head and flop back down on my pillows, groaning at the thought of my parents and siblings coming. Siblings, I can deal with, but my parents need to stay the fuck away from me.

 

“Ash?”

 

I glance up, as Louis walks into the room, his gaze hallowed with worry. “Luke just walked out, didn’t he?”

 

I nod. “He seemed pissed…I asked about his family…”

 

Louis sighs. “Luke’s family is a very touchy subject. No one really knows much about his past, except me and Harry, and trust me, his past is not pretty at all.”

 

“Is he…is he okay?”

 

“He will be. Once today is over.”

 

…

 

“Ashton!”

 

Wincing as the sunlight burns my retinas, I grin at the voice. That’s Harry, my baby brother. He’s only ten, and I’ve really missed him. I crouch down and open my arms, letting him run into them.

 

“Hey, Harry,” I whisper, as he wraps his arms around me, hugging me tightly.

 

“I missed you,” Harry murmurs, and I can hear the tears in his voice.

 

“I know, I’ve missed you too,” I reply, rubbing his back softly. “Have you been protecting Lauren and mum for me?”

 

“I-I think so…”

 

“Don’t cry, buddy,” I tell him gently. “You’re okay- I’m here now. I’m getting better. I’ll be home in no time.”

 

Harry sniffles and nods against me, clinging onto my waist. Straightening, I take him into my arms and hold him like a little child, on my hip.

 

“Is this your brother, Ash?”

 

Mikey comes up behind me, and I turn to him, nodding. “Yeah, this is Harry. Harry, this is Michael, he’s one of my friends.”

 

“I…I like your hair…” Harry says softly, motioning to Michael’s black and dyed blue locks.

 

“Thanks, little buddy,” Michael replies. “I was thinking about dying it bright green- what do ya think of that?”

 

“Cool!”

 

“Ash…?”

 

I turn back around, my eyes widening. Lauren is standing in front of me, playing with her fingers nervously. Anxiety flashes in me, and I sigh, setting Harry down.

 

“Why don’t you go with Mikey?” I say to him. “He’ll show you something cool!”

 

Harry looks cautiously up at Michael, who flashes him a reassuring smile. “Come with me?”

 

He nods, after a moment’s consideration, and takes Michael’s outstretched hand. I watch my friend lead him away, before turning back to Lauren.

 

“Hey, babygirl…” I say softly, avoiding her eyes.

 

“How are you, Ash?” Lauren forces out, and I can see the tears in her eyes. “Are you getting better?”

 

Paying no attention to her questions, I shake my head. “I’m sorry, baby. I know I scared you, a while back…”

 

“It’s…it’s okay…” she mumbles, obviously trying very hard not to cry.

 

“No, it’s not,” I say firmly. Reaching out, I pull her into my arms and hold her tightly, forcing her head under mine, and resting my chin on top of it. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

 

“Ashton…” she sobs, squeezing my waist tightly. “I was so scared…there was so much blood…”

 

“I know, I know,” I whisper, swallowing back the lump in my throat. “I’m so sorry.”

 

…

 

Curling Lauren into my lap, I take a seat on one of the swinging chairs, rocking back and forth gently. “I love you, baby sister, always remember that.”

 

“I know,” she whispers. “I love you too, and no matter what mum and dad say, you’re the best older brother ever.”

 

“Awww…”

 

Wrapping my arm around her, I bring her closer and drop a kiss on the top of her head. “I know I haven’t set a good example- but if you ever feel suicidal, _please_ talk to me. I _never_ want you to do something like I did. I know that I terrified you- and I _never_ want to be in your position. If you’re ever that upset or upset at _all_ , you have my number, and I’ve got full use of my phone. Text me whenever you want, at whatever time you want. I’ll always answer you.”

 

Before Lauren has a chance to reply, I hear a scream from the other side- close to the building.

 

Eyes wide, I look over at the scene. There’s a lady walking toward Luke and Louis, and a bunch of men following her- all security guards, weapons out. What the _fuck_ is going on?

 

Louis is screaming at her, holding Luke tightly to his chest. Luke’s head is buried deep in his shoulder, and I can’t hear Louis’ words, but I can tell he’s fucking pissed.

 

“Ashton…what’s going on…?” Lauren asks fearfully.

 

“I don’t know, sweetheart. I really don’t know.”

 

…

 

“Alright, can someone tell us what the _hell_ happened out there?” Michael bursts out.

 

The five of us are sitting in the room I share with Luke- Calum fell asleep, he’s back in his and Louis’ room- looking at Luke and Louis weirdly. Luke is still buried in Louis, refusing to show his face. I can hear him crying softly, and I’m wondering what the _fuck_ that was out there.

 

Niall presses into my side, still looking shaky. He had a really bad panic attack yesterday, as we were told- he’s still kinda shaken up from it.

 

“Luke, we _need_ to tell them,” Louis says softly.

 

Luke stiffens and shakes his head, sobbing louder, and Louis sighs.

 

“We have to, baby. They’re not going to judge you, don’t worry. They deserve to know.”

 

They go back and forth for a while, before Luke finally gives an affirmative. Louis nods, pressing a kiss to the back of his head and holding him closer.

 

“What’s going on, Lou?”

 

Louis swallows hard, looking at all of us seriously. “That woman, did any of you recognize her?”

 

“She must be important, right?” Michael mutters. “With all the security following…”

 

“Try famous,” Louis replies. “Have any of you heard of Jessica Adams?”

 

“Oh my god…” Niall speaks up. “She’s that psycho bitch actress that’s always breaking the law, right?”

 

Louis nods. “She’s also Luke’s mother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so Jessica Adams is purely fictional. I made her entire character up. She's basically a famous actress that drinks, does drugs, breaks laws, pretty much an utter bitch. I've been talking about Luke's past for the entire story- next chapter, you guys are going to learn everything that's happened that's broke him. It's gonna be a big chapter, so I hope you're ready. Thanks for reading- i hope you enjoyed.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is probably the heaviest and most angsty. Read at your own risk- I am warning you now. Trigger warnings for abuse, rape, self-harm, depression, and child neglect/abuse.

Silence drapes over the room at Louis’ words. I’ve heard of Jessica Adams- never really paid her much attention. Celebrity gossip was never my idea of entertainment. Something tells me the woman is an utter bitch- especially from Luke’s reaction to hearing her name. He’s holding onto Louis so tightly- but the older boy isn’t even flinching, even though that grip looks like it could choke someone.

 

“Lukey,” Louis says softly. “I need you to try and fall asleep, alright baby? I’m right here, she can’t hurt you anymore. I need you to try, babe.”

 

“Why don’t you just put him in his bed?” Michael asks, his voice cracking. He looks extremely worried for Luke, and I imagine my facial expression mirrors it.

 

At his words, Luke stiffens, and Louis sighs. “He’s not going to move. Especially not now, after seeing _her._ I want him to fall asleep because I don’t want him to hear what I’m about to tell you. His past is so fucked up- he’s traumatized- that’s why he’s clinging to me. He doesn’t feel safe right now. I’m his safe person, and he won’t leave me until he feels like it’s safe for him to…”

 

Michael nods in understanding, sighing heavily. “That’s how I was right after my father was arrested.”

 

“I think he’s starting to drift off…” Louis mutters. “Alright, this is gonna be really awful…his story’s not easy to tell. It’s disgusting and heartbreaking and I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to tell you all of it. Just a warning now.”

 

I pull Niall closer, as Louis takes a deep breath, before speaking again. “Luke’s father died when he was three- he had lung cancer, they didn’t know about it until it was too late. He died, and his mother’s reaction to that was quite similar to Michael’s father’s. She was enraged, but she didn’t blame Luke, because cancer is no one’s fault. The lung cancer was because Luke’s father was a heavy smoker. He was a good man, don’t get me wrong, but he smoked a lot when he was younger, and death was the consequence.”

 

Michael’s going slightly pale- this must remind him of his own past, and I tug at his arm, pulling him closer to me. He sees the gesture, smiling at me gratefully, before attaching to my side. Both him and Niall and leeching comfort off me- but I really don’t seem to mind. They need that right now.

 

“His father’s death was what started Luke’s mom’s downward spiral. She was already pretty famous at the time- Luke grew up in the spotlight. Before her husband’s death, she was a very good person- sweet and kind, giving. She loved Luke with everything she had- she cherished him with each breath she took.” Louis’ words are strained- almost like it pains him to say good things about Luke’s mom. This doesn’t bode well at all.

 

“She started drinking,” Louis says. “And smoking. She stopped caring for Luke completely- he was around four at the time. He had a nanny that took care of him, but she didn’t really care that much about him either. He grew up constantly ignored, pushed away, neglected, things of that nature. That’s why he has really bad trust issues- why he’s an asshole when you first meet him. It’s a protective action- he doesn’t want to get hurt.”

 

“When Luke was six, Jessica remarried. She married a guy named Mark Adams. That’s when everything started…when everything started to get out of hand and awful for him…” Louis trails off, his voice breaking. Telling the story seems to be putting a lot of strain on him as well- but Luke is finally asleep- restless, but asleep nonetheless, and that must be a weight lifted off Louis’ shoulders.

 

“Mark was abusive,” Louis whispers. “Abusive is a gross understatement. Mark abused him for years, until he was around ten- four years of beating, whipping, verbal abuse- everything torturous, basically. He used to beat him all the time, but act fatherly in public- so no one outside would know what was going on. Luke used to show up to school with bruises all the time- but the teachers equated it to either makeup or him being overdramatic because of his mother. Mark was a goddamned awful person. He broke Luke- that’s why he started cutting just before his eleventh birthday. He’s been in this place for a while, guys- he started destroying himself young. Mark damaged him really badly- he’s been called names that I don’t have the stomach to repeat.”

 

My mouth grows dry, nausea bubbling in the pit of my stomach. This is beyond fucking horrible, and I can tell this isn’t even the worst part. I’m starting to understand why Luke was such a dick to me when I first got here…why he’s such an asshole to anyone he doesn’t know.

 

“For the next couple years, it went on like that. His stepfather beat him senseless, and occasionally, Jessica joined in. At that point, she was too wasted to care what happened to her son. She supported Mark thoroughly, sometimes she used to hit Luke when her husband was out or at work.”

 

“When he turned thirteen, things started getting so much worse…” A tear slips down Louis’ cheek, but he doesn’t pay any attention to it, continuing on. “Mark raped him. He took Luke’s innocence right after his thirteenth birthday- that’s what really broke him. When Jessica found out…she didn’t even react to it…guys, Luke’s been raped by his stepfather- and he narrowly missed getting raped by his own mother. Luckily, he managed to get out of there in time- otherwise she would’ve done it- no regrets at all.”

 

…

 

“Still shaken up from the story, aren’t you…?”

 

I look up at Ashton, tears in my eyes. “No shit! I can’t believe…I just don’t even…I was so mean to him, I was such an asshole to him, but I had _no idea_ he was living actual hell…I just…”

 

“You and me both, Mikey,” Ashton says softly, sitting down next to me and curling into my side. I wrap an arm around his shoulders, sighing heavily.

 

“My dad was abusive too, but…” I trail off, shaking my head. “It’s nothing compared to Luke’s stepfather _raping_ him…”

 

“Hey,” Ashton says firmly. “Just because Luke’s had it a lot fucking worse than you have, doesn’t mean your problems aren’t important. Niall told me the same thing the day you told me your story. Your problems are your problems, if they make you hurt, they make you hurt. You’re allowed to feel pain from your demons.”

 

“I know, it’s just…”

 

“I get it,” Ashton mutters. “I just don’t know how to even face Luke after this. I want to hug him and hold him forever, never let go…”

 

“Ash…” I say softly, looking at him suspiciously. “Do you like Luke…?”

 

“Of course I do,” Ashton replies confusedly. “He’s my friend?”

 

“I don’t mean that way. I mean, do you like him _more_ than a friend…?”

 

Ashton’s face changes. He pales a bit, his eyes widening, as he starts to fidget. Playing with his fingers, he refuses to respond, avoiding my eyes. I’ve already got my answer, but I just want to hear him say it, just to piss him off.

 

“Ashton.”

 

“Okay, fine. Yes, I do, alright?!”


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys are really gonna like this chapter. Also- if you haven't already, check out the sequel to The Only Reason- it's called- That Was Then, This is Now.

“Hey guys,” Louis says hesitantly, as he closes the door to his and Calum’s room.

 

“Lou!” I rise to my feet and cross the room in a single stride, walking up to him. “How’s he doing?”

 

“As well as he can be, at this point,” Louis replies. “I put him down in my bed, if it’s okay, Ash, he’ll stay there tonight. He doesn’t want to leave me yet- he’s still kinda scared of what you guys will think of him.”

 

Niall’s eyes widen slightly. “Surely he doesn’t think we’re going to abandon him, because of this…?”

 

“That’s exactly what he thinks, Ni.” Louis sighs heavily, his gaze raking across the entire room, eyes dark with pain. “He thinks we’re all going to leave- even me and Harry. His worst nightmare is being abandoned- he’s had dreams of dying alone, in an alley, because we all left him after he got to be too much. He’s deathly scared the dream is going to come true.”

 

“But it _isn’t_ ,” Michael says firmly. “I _know_ you’re not the type of person to do that, and neither is Harry. Ash, Ni, and I have had our fair share of fights with him, but we understand now. None of the dick-headedness he showed us was his fault- it’s something he can’t control, because he’s been so hurt in the past. It’s like lions or tigers- they attack people as a protective action for their cubs- Luke is being a dick because he doesn’t want to let anyone in- he fears being hurt again.”

 

“That’s exactly it, Mikey…” Louis shakes his head, tears coming to his eyes. “He would be dead if it wasn’t for me…and I know I should be proud about that, and I am, but sometimes I think about what would’ve happened to him…what _could’ve_ happened to him, had I not been there. And then I think about what may’ve happened- had he not been allowed to see me, and I just scare the living shit out of myself- because I know that there’s a 99.9% chance he would’ve killed himself.”

 

My heart shatters for him. He has to be so strong- he’s been taking care of Luke since he met him- and sometimes, it gets to be too much. I understand that- something similar happened with Harry and Lauren- I’ve been taking care of them my entire life- and I just snapped, when I tried to kill myself.

 

“Louis…” Niall steps over to us, reaching out for the older lad. “You need to let yourself break, too…you’re in a mental hospital for a reason…”

 

“I’ve got anger management issues and I’m bipolar,” Louis says shakily. “It’s not that big a deal.”

 

“That’s where you’re wrong. Just because you have to take care of Luke, doesn’t mean your problems have to get pushed to the side. You were down in the _restricted_ floor, because you were considered a danger to yourself and to Luke.”

 

“It’s just…” Louis’ voice cracks, and I can hear the tears creeping into his voice. “It’s so hard sometimes…”

 

Niall glances at Michael. “Go call Harry. We need him here.”

 

Louis’ eyes widen at that. “N-No! Don’t bother Harry, I’m f-fine…”

 

“He’s your boyfriend, Lou,” Niall deadpans. “I think he’d _want_ to be here for this.”

 

“How’d you know he’s my boyfriend…?” Louis asks suspiciously.

 

“It’s obvious, Lou,” Niall says gently. “He cares for you so much, and you light up when he’s here. And I’ve seen you two sneak kisses once in a while. It’s okay. None of us are going to judge you because you’re gay. Michael and Ashton are, too, and I may be straight- but I’ve got a girlfriend- and all I really care about is seeing you guys happy.”

 

“Wait a second…Ash, you’re gay?”

 

I nod. “Always have been. Why?”

 

“You need to talk to Luke,” Louis says immediately.

 

“…Why?”

 

“Why do you _think_ , dumbass?” Michael mutters. “That moron has feelings for you, and you sure as _hell_ return them.”

 

“I didn’t…Luke’s gay…? He likes _me_ …?”

 

“Are you surprised? We _all_ saw this coming.” Michael rolls his eyes. “Go talk to Luke. Ni, Haz and I will take care of Louis.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“If you don’t get out of this room in the next two seconds, I will personally tell Ms. Simmons that you need your therapy sessions upped to three times a week.”

 

“I’m going, I’m going! Fuck you too.”

 

…

 

When I wake, I’m enveloped in Louis’ scent. I blink open my eyes- realizing that I am indeed in his bed. Looking across the room, I see Calum in his bed, also asleep. When I turn around, my eyes widen in shock. There’s a body beside me- and it isn’t Louis.

 

“Hey, sleepyhead. How’re you feeling?” Ashton’s voice is gentle, soothing, almost. I’m still terrified- but he’s making me feel at least a bit comfortable.

 

“W-What are you doing here…?” I choke out, my voice hoarse and scratchy. “Shouldn’t you be talking to Ms. Simmons about a roommate change?”

 

“Why would I do that?” Ashton asks, shaking his head. “What makes you think I don’t want you are my roommate anymore?”

 

“Because I’m dirty and damaged and disgusting and I’m this fucked up mess that _no one_ wants.”

 

Ashton’s eyes darken. “I don’t know _who_ told you that shit, and so help me God, I’d _murder_ them, if I could- but I _never_ want to hear you say something like that about yourself, _ever_ again, alright?”

 

“It’s true, Ash…” I choke out.

 

“It’s _not_ ,” Ashton says firmly. “You are amazing- the strongest fucking person I’ve ever _met_. You’ve been through so much- and it broke my fucking heart to hear how many people have hurt you- and how many times you’ve been hurt. But you’re never going to be hurt again, I promise.”

 

“How do you know that? How can you promise he won’t…come back…?” I whimper.

 

“Because I won’t let you get hurt again,” Ashton promises. “And I can’t promise he won’t- but I _can_ promise that I will fight him until my last breath, to make sure that fucking bastard never lays a _hand_ on you, ever again.”

 

“Ashton, I…”

 

“Don’t say anything, Luke,” Ashton replies. “I came here because I wanted to reassure you that I still think of you the same way as I did before Louis told us anything, but also for another reason.”

 

“W-What…?”

 

“Even though things with us didn’t get off to the best start…” Ashton says softly. “I understand why. And it’s been over three months since we’ve met- we’ve had our fair share of fights, but we’ve also helped each other in every way possible. And during that…I fell in love, Luke. I fell in love with _you_. I’m in love with you on ever level- your sweet smiles, the way you treat your friends, your adorable laugh- I love every single part of you. And I know that you’ve been shattered in the past- hearing that story made me what to throw up- I couldn’t believe how fucking horrible people have been to you…but I want to change that. I love you so fucking much- and I hope you feel the same way, otherwise I’ll sound like a heartbroken idiot, but even if you don’t- I’ll never stop loving and caring about you.”

 

He looks so hopeful, his eyes wide and searching my face for a reaction.

 

“I love you too, Ash…I’ve been in love with you for a while, and I thought you would never love me back…that broke my heart, because you’re so strong and so sweet and you take care of me, even now. You make me feel loved and you put me before yourself, and I just…don’t think I could ask anymore out of you…I'm in love with you, too...”

 

I don’t have time to see Ashton’s reaction, because the next thing I know, his lips are pressing against mine.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the Lashton shippers will really appreciate this chapter.

When we pull away, Luke’s looking at me nervously, waiting to see my reaction. It confuses me- I’m the one who instigated the kiss- how could I not have wanted it? It breaks my heart to see him so scared and vulnerable- I just want to hold him as tight as possible and _never_ let go.

 

“Was that okay, Luke?” I ask softly, taking his hand in mine and rubbing the soft skin.

 

“It was perfect,” Luke replies. “But…you wanted it, right? You weren’t doing it just because you didn’t want to break my heart?”

 

“Oh Lukey, of course I wanted it,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “I love you so much…”

 

“I love you too…”

 

“Then can we make it official?” I ask softly. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

 

“Yes,” Luke replies firmly. “I’d be honored.”

 

I pull him in for another kiss, before pulling back and resting my forehead against his. “Let’s go out there. Everyone’s waiting.”

 

Fear flashes in Luke’s gaze, but I shake my head, pulling him tightly to my chest. “It’ll be fine, baby. They all wanted us to get together- none of them are judging you at _all_. I promise, it’ll be fine.”

 

Luke nods hesitantly, and I help him off the bed, wrapping my arm around his waist. His injuries have started to heal, but I can tell he’s still sore, and he’s limping a bit. Holding him close, I try to take as much of his body weight as possible.

 

…

 

We walk out the door, Ashton keeping a firm hold on me. But what we see outside breaks my heart into a million pieces.

 

Louis is crying, his head buried in Harry’s chest, small body shaking with sobs. His chest is heaving and I can hear his cries and now distraught he is from the doorway. Niall and Michael are sitting next to each other, Niall’s head on the dark-haired boy’s shoulder.

 

When everyone notices us- how close we arm, the placement of Ashton’s arm, I think they figure out what just happened.

 

“So is Lashton canon now, then?” Michael asks bluntly.

 

“Lashton?” Ashton stares at him in confusion, and I imagine my expression mirrors it.

 

“Your ship name, dumbasses. Are you two dating?”

 

“Yeah,” Ashton says softly, a dreamy expression coming over his face. “We’re boyfriends.”

 

I grin at him, leaning down slightly to press my lips to his.

 

“Okay, the PDA, I did _not_ ask for! I’m gonna vomit!”

 

“Fuck off, Michael, they’re cute, let them be happy,” Niall mutters, slapping his arm. Michael grumbles incoherently, glaring at us.

 

“Is Lou okay?” I direct the question to Harry, and he nods.

 

“Just a little upset, he’ll be fine, don’t worry, I’ll take care of him.”

 

“Shit,” Ashton mutters. “You’ve got therapy in ten minutes, Lukey…”

 

“I don’t wanna go…” I whine, pressing closer to him. “Wanna stay here and cuddle with you and I don’t think I can…”

 

“I’m sorry, baby, you have to,” Ashton says apologetically.

 

“But Ashton…”

 

“Okay, how about this?” Ashton suggests. “You go, but if she makes you feel uncomfortable, you can say that you’re going to panic and she’ll let you go. Just try it, alright baby? I want you to get better, I want you to be happy again.”

 

“M’happy when I’m with you…”

 

“I know, sweet, but please, just try? I love you, I’ll be there as soon as you’re done. We can cuddle for the rest of the day, I promise.”

 

…

 

“So Luke, I understand that you allowed Louis to tell your story to your friends yesterday?”

 

“I don’t want to talk about that,” I say tightly, crossing my arms in front of my chest and staring at the floor. “I really don’t.”

 

“Well, I find it a bit concerning that you’ve told _Louis_ , and now all your friends now, but you still refuse to talk to any of the staff here about it. We need to know, Luke- we need to help you.”

 

“Taking me away from the people that help me more than anything is your idea of helping?”

 

“Don’t be overdramatic, Luke. It’s only an hour- an hour won’t kill you. You’ll be able to go back to Louis and everyone in forty-five minutes, but until then, I suggest you give me something to work with here.”

 

“I’m not being overdramatic,” I mutter. “I just need my friends. I don’t want to talk about my feelings, that won’t help me. I need them.”

 

She sighs. “Not until our session is over. For now, roll up your sleeves. I need to make sure you haven’t been cutting yourself.”

 

“Fine,” I growl, shoving both sleeves up. I reveal my scarred arms to her- but all the scars are old and fading- there’s nothing new there. I’m not an idiot- I know better than to do it on my arms, where they’re definitely going to check.

 

“Alright, that’s good, you can pull them down, if you want.” She makes a note on her clipboard, and I grumble to myself, shoving my sleeves back down. I’m not interested in being here at _all_. I just want to go cuddle with my boyfriend- if I was talking to Ashton right now, I’d be able to tell him a lot more. This lady just makes me feel fucking uncomfortable.

 

“Luke, you need to cooperate here, I’m just trying to help you. We want to get you out of here- you’ve already been here for over six months- don’t you want to go home?”

 

“I would rather kill myself.”

 

…

 

When the therapy session is finally over, I practically run out there, not caring that it causes my ankle fucking agony. I need to get to Ashton- that place was fucking suffocating and the things she said and asked were too fucking close for me to answer. She was being nosy and I wasn’t ready for that shit.

 

I go straight for our room, bursting in there and not caring about who’s already there. I run into Ashton’s arms, and he catches me easily, holding me tightly to his chest and pressing kisses to my hair. I bury my face in his chest and sob, my tearstained cheek pressed against his ACDC shirt.

 

“Lukey, babe, what happened? It’s okay, I’m right here love, what happened?” Ashton whispers, rubbing my back gently and murmuring soft words of comfort. “I love you, sweetheart can you calm down for me?”

 

“She pried too far into my past, I can’t…” I choke out, pressing closer. “I’m scared, Ash.”

 

“Oh, baby…” Ashton sighs heavily, shifting position so we’re both lying on his bed, his strong arms still wrapped around me.

 

“So scared…” I say weakly.

 

“No, no, shhhh, don’t talk, just sleep,” Ashton whispers. “You’re fine, I’ve gotcha, just go to sleep baby. You’ve had a long day, you need to sleep.”

 

“Promise you won’t leave?”

 

“I promise, sweetheart, I’ll be here until you tell me to leave.”

 

“That’ll be never…”

 

“Then I’ll be here until the end of time, alright baby?” Ashton kisses my cheek softly, making warmth flow through me. “Sleep now, you need it. I’m right here. I love you. I love you so fucking much.”


	25. Chapter 25

“She’s leaving, because she’s gotten so much better- she’s leaving me in here to _die_!”

 

Niall whines overdramatically, collapsing on Luke’s bed with a sigh. I chuckle at him- shifting Luke against me so he’s more comfortable- trying not to put pressure on his injured abdomen, before kissing the top of his head and tightening my arms around his torso.

 

“You’ll be out of here soon enough,” Luke promises him. “You’re getting better too. You’re gaining back the weight you lost, and you look so much better now. You’re not purging anymore- how long has your streak been?”

 

“Almost a month,” Niall mutters. “But I don’t know…I just don’t think I’ll be able to keep this up if I do end up getting out. Grace is basically a new person now, that’s probably why they’re releasing her. I’m just a fuck up who pukes up all his food and worries desperately about getting fat. I mean, since when do guys have a problem with body image?”

 

“It’s not rare, Ni,” Luke replies. “Zayn is anorexic.”

 

“That doesn’t matter,” Niall says miserably. “At least he’s not shoving his fingers down his throat after he eats!”

 

“He _doesn’t_ eat,” Luke grumbles. “The boy is stick thin. He’s been rushed to the hospital, and he had to be sedated a couple times, because he was ripping his IV out- since that was pumping food and nutrients into him. He has a huge problem with what he sees in the mirror.”

 

“I feel so fucking bloated and fat, every time I eat,” Niall whispers. “And the only reason I keep shit down is because I want Grace not to have a boyfriend that’s too busy puking his food up to take care of her. I want to be okay for her. But it’s so hard. I’m not getting any better. Mikey still barely manages to restrain me from making that trip to the bathroom.”

 

“But Niall,” I intervene. “You haven’t made yourself throw up in almost a _month_. That’s more than I can say for myself.”

 

Luke tenses at that, and I sigh, murmuring in his ear, promising him that I’m going to try and stop cutting. “You’re doing so well, Niall.” I raise my voice slightly, lifting my head up to look at him. “And soon you wouldn’t have thrown up in so long, you’ll forget that you need to. Because you _don’t_.”

 

“I’m fat,” Niall repeats. “I have thick thighs and this huge fucking ass, I’m disgusting. How does Grace even put up with me?”

 

Luke goes rigid in my arms, and I can see the guilt crossing his gaze. I exhale, shaking my head and pressing my lips to the soft skin of his neck. “You’re fine baby, I promise.”

 

He nods wordlessly, and I direct my gaze to Niall. “You are _far_ from fat, Ni. And fat isn’t an adjective, it’s a body type. When I first saw you, I thought you looked so thin I could break you in half. And look at you now- you’re so much healthier- you have your color back, your hair isn’t as dull anymore, and have you ever looked at your eyes in the mirror? They were so dull and lifeless when I first saw them, and now, they’re the brightest blue ever. You’re recovering, Niall. It shouldn’t be long before you’re released.”

 

“I just…feel like if I can’t purge, I shouldn’t be allowed to eat. But if my plate isn’t clean, I can’t leave the cafeteria, so I force myself to swallow it, and then I curl up and cry myself to sleep. It’s an ongoing cycle. I’m so fucking pathetic, Ash.”

 

Before I can say anything, the door to our room swings open, and Grace steps in, lugging a duffel bag behind her. She says nothing, opting to instead go over to Niall and press a kiss to his cheek, before curling up in his lap and intertwining her hand with his.

 

“I heard you, from outside,” she says softly. “Ashton’s right, Ni. You’re getting better- you’re gonna be out of here soon, too. And I really think you can kick this eating disorder for good. You don’t need to purge- baby, you’re not fat in the slightest. You’re _healthy_ , and that’s all I want.”

 

“So you don’t care that I don’t have the abs or muscles Liam does?”

 

“Liam lives in the fucking gym, you idiot,” Grace mutters. “And I love you for _you_ , not for your goddamn body. I’d love you even if you weighed 300 pounds and had manboobs- I fell in love with your personality, not your appearance.”

 

“That’s cliché…” Niall whines, burying his face in her neck.

 

“It’s also true. And I’ll say cliché, cheesy things until you believe me. I don’t want you to change for me- I love you just the way you are. I didn’t want you to come here for my sake- I still loved you when you were 98 pounds and thin as a fucking stick- but I prefer my boyfriend _alive_ and _healthy_. You’re just as beautiful now- as you have always been. Never doubt that for even a second. I may be getting out today, but I’ll visit every day- until they kick me out- until the day you get released.”

 

…

 

“Niall and Grace are so good together, aren’t they?” Luke murmurs into my shoulder. I nod, kissing him quickly, before letting myself get up.

 

“I need to piss, I’ll be right back,” I tell him. He nods, and I make my way into the bathroom, doing my business, before stepping out. I would’ve cut a few times in there- I usually do- but Luke’s already worried about me, and I don’t want to stress him out any more than he needs to be.

 

“Come back to bed, Ash,” Luke whines, stretching out a hand for me. “I’m cold. Your body heat was nice…”

 

“Aww,” I coo, slipping back in next to him and pulling him back into my chest. He settles against me, twisting his head to kiss me again.

 

“But really,” Luke says softly. “I’m glad Ni’s found someone who can lift him up when he’s upset, no matter how bad he is. Grace is an amazing girl, I’m so glad he’s got her.”

 

“They’re adorable together,” I agree, threading my fingers through his hair. Luke sighs softly, resting his head no my chest, and opens his mouth again.

 

“Ashton…?”

 

“Yeah, babe?”

 

Luke’s lower lip is quivering, leaving me instantly alert. My fingers still in his hair, as I tighten my arms around him, wanting to hold him as tight as possible and protect him from the harshness of the world.

 

“I love you,” Luke whispers, his voice breaking. “And I think you love me. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to be what you want. I…I can’t have sex, Ash…I can’t do it, I’m too scared…I don’t know if I ever will be able to…and I know that you’ll probably want that, so if you want to break up with me, now’s your chance.”

 

His words shock me like a knife to the chest. I shake my head firmly, caressing his cheek. “Luke,” I say firmly. “I knew from the beginning that we wouldn’t be having sex- and quite damn honestly, baby, I don’t care. Sex doesn’t mean love- and if we want kids- we’d have to adopt anyway, unless there’s some magical way men can get pregnant. I love you- I am _not_ leaving you. Sex or no sex, you’re stuck with me, baby. Get used to it.”

 

“I love you,” Luke whispers again, a red blush creeping over his cheeks, making him look absolutely adorable.

 

But before I can say anything, our door bursts open. I whip my head around to see who it is- and my eyes widen. Michael is standing there- and I can see him visibly shaking from the bed. He’s deathly pale- eyes wide and bugged out, ringing his hands. He looks like he’s just seen a ghost.

 

“Mikey?”

 

“M-My father…I…they just told me that he might be…released from prison…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winding down soon, actually. I'm gonna try for four more chapters, then an epilogue, but it might be shorter than that- who knows? Anyway- I hope you liked the Grace/Niall parts- along with the Lashton, and then there's that plot twist at the end...hm...


	26. Chapter 26

I just stare at him for a moment, not believing what I’m hearing. Michael’s breathing is heavy- he’s panting hard- I can hear it from where I’m sitting. Wincing, I press a quick kiss to the side of Luke’s head, before slipping out from behind him, and walking over to the distressed boy.

 

“Mikey, are you sure? What happened?” I ask, kneeling in front of him and taking his hands in mine. I squeeze tightly, trying to calm him down. At this rate, he’s going to work himself into a panic attack- and I know he doesn’t want that right now.

 

“Ms. Simmons told me that someone is going to put up money for his bail…” Michael chokes out. “She doesn’t know who- but that’s what she was told. He wants to come see me, I’m scared! I can’t do it anymore Ash, I can’t!”

 

“Mikey, breathe.” I move my hands up to his shoulders, gripping tightly and making him look me in the eye. “Breathe for me, you’re going to start hyperventilating if you don’t.”

 

“C-Can’t,” Michael chokes out, voice broken. “I can’t calm down!”

 

“Ash, move.”

 

I feel another presence beside me, and I know it’s Luke. I sigh in relief- Luke has anxiety too; he’ll know how to calm Michael down.

 

I move out of the way, and Luke takes my place, gripping onto Michael’s shoulders and forcing him to look at him. “Listen to me- Michael, you’re going to be _fine_. We will not let him _touch_ you. And you don’t know if whoever is trying to bail him out will be able to. The man was arrested for hoarding illegal drugs and horrendous child abuse. They don’t take that lightly. You still have scars on your body to prove he’s dangerous- if he’s a danger to you, there is _no_ way the staff here will let him near you.”

 

Michael’s breathing starts to even out, as he nods slightly, starting to relax in Luke’s grip. “I’m so scared…”

 

“I know,” Luke says, smiling ruefully. “I’ve been abused too, I know how it feels. So does Ash- but his parents have never laid a hand on him, so his situation is kinda different.”

 

“No.” I don’t even know why I decided to speak up, but my tone is low, as I stare down at the floor.

 

Luke turns back and looks at me, eyes wide. “What?”

 

“No, you’re wrong. About my parents.”

 

I can see Luke visibly tense up, and Michael pales even further- if possible. When Luke speaks next, his voice is steely calm. “They’ve laid hands on you the wrong way?”

 

I nod. “My father never liked me. He didn’t go nearly as far as your stepdad and Michael’s dad- but he’s slapped me a few times, and he threw a beer bottle at me once…” I swallow the lump in my throat, pulling my shirt sleeve down to reveal a scar on my right shoulder.

 

“Ashton, oh my god…” Luke moves away from Michael to scoot over to me, pulling me into an embrace and holding my head against his chest. “I’m so sorry…”

 

“Don’t apologize,” I whisper, hugging him back for a second, before pulling away. “You both saw worse. And it’s okay, it was over three years ago.”

 

“It’s not okay,” Luke replies firmly. “No adult should _ever_ lay a hand on a child the wrong way, parent or not. He may be your father, but you’re not his punching bag. He doesn’t have the right to hit you.”

 

“Can you say the same for yourself?”

 

Luke’s eyes darken. “I’m different.”

 

“Different?” I echo. “Different, how? Your stepfather had _no_ right to touch a goddamn _hair_ on your head.”

 

“Ashton, not now, please,” Luke pleads. “Let me take care of Mikey, we can take him back to his room and have Niall watch over him, and then we’ll talk.”

 

I exhale a heavy breath, nodding. “Fine,” I say shortly. “But I’m not gonna be much help now. You know how to calm him down much better than me.”

 

“Ash-”

 

“No.” I grab my phone and rise to my feet. “I’m gonna go talk to Niall. He deserves to know what happened.”

 

…

 

“I don’t know what to _do_ , Ni! What if he thinks he _deserved_ everything he got?”

 

Niall sighs. “That’s a horrid thought, Ash. But from what you’ve said, I think it could be true. There’s only one person who can tell you that for sure.”

 

“Louis?”

 

“Nope, not this time,” Niall mutters. “I don’t think this is something Luke would’ve told him.”

 

“So that means I _do_ have to talk to Luke?”

 

“M’afraid so, Ash,” Niall replies. “You need to get the truth out of him. And I don’t think he can lie to you in good conscience- at this point.”

 

“Why?” I scoff. “I’ve been lying to him. I told him I’m starting to ease off the cutting.”

 

Niall’s eyes widen. “Ashton, you didn’t…”

 

“Can it, I’m fine,” I tell him tightly. “I just made a really deep slash last night…only once, but I bled a lot…hurt like a bitch.”

 

“Ashton, _no_ , that’s dangerous…” Niall warns, his voice shaking. “Do you really want to put Luke through what your sister went through?”

 

“Don’t try and guilt-trip me, Niall,” I growl. “It won’t work.”

 

“I’m not trying to,” Niall replies evenly. “I want you to think. What would your _boyfriend_ \- your _fragile_ boyfriend- might I add, think, seeing you on unconscious on the floor, surrounded by your own blood? Suicide isn’t the easy way out. It hurts. And just because you’re free from the pain, doesn’t make the rest of us immune to it. If you do _anything,_ you’ll also be responsible for Luke’s death. Remember that.”

 

…

 

“I was wondering when you’d show up.”

 

I lift my head, glancing at Luke. He’s sitting on his bed, playing with his phone. “I take it Michael and Niall are talking?”

 

“Yeah,” I reply softly. “Mikey came in after Niall and I finished talking, so he’s trying to tell Michael to sleep and shit. Forget about the elephant in the room, y’know?”

 

“Yeah,” Luke mutters. “Come on.” He pats the space beside him, and I walk over, dropping down next to him. “I know you’re pissed about something. I can see it in your face. Wanna tell me what’s up?”

 

“You think you deserve every damn thing your stepdad did to you.”

 

Luke’s face hardens. “Did I ever say that? Or are you just assuming things?”

 

“It’s not that hard to pick up on, when you practically spilled the beans earlier. You said you’re different, after saying I didn’t deserve to be slapped and shit. How the fuck are you different?”

 

Luke sighs. “You- of all people- should know how it feels to never please your parents. That’s all I was- a disappointment. And my father beat me for _years_ , Ashton. Day after day, I heard the same shit. I got called worthless and useless more times than I got called by my own fucking name, for fuck’s sakes. So don’t blame me for believing it.”

 

“But it isn’t true,” I protest. “Why do you think it is?”

 

Luke chuckles humorlessly. “I’m schizophrenic, Ashton. The voices in my head have confirmed every goddamn word that spilled from his lips. And if I don’t take my meds, they start to scream.”

 

“Please tell me you’re taking them.” I stare at him desperately, but all his icy eyes show is darkness.

 

“I take them when I want to,” Luke says, his voice eerily calm. “And the days when I want to cut so badly, but can’t, I hide the pill under my tongue and spit it out. Emotional self-harm is better than nothing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intense, don't you think? I'd love to know what you thought about all three scenes- the Luke, Ashton, and Michael one in Lashton's room, Ashton and Niall's scene, and the Lashton at the end- I felt they were pretty dark, so I'd love to know what you thought. 
> 
> Another thing- for those of you reading That Was Then, This is Now, I'm might not post anything until mid next week- I need to finis this story before September 3rd, so I'm going to be focusing all my attention on it. And my update schedule after school starts will be different- but I'll tell you that later on. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the end, you're all gonna hate me. Just a warning.

It’s hard to say whether or not I’m okay, after talking to Ashton. I told him something I haven’t told _anyone_ \- _no one_ , not even Louis knows that I don’t take my meds sometimes. It’s not the issue of Ashton telling a nurse- I trust him enough not to do that- at least I hope I do. I’ve heard what happens to kids who don’t take their meds- the nurses crush up the pills and powder them into meals- a sneaky ass thing to do. I don’t want that- not in the fucking slightest.

 

Even if Ashton is a dick that can lie to me straight through his teeth- I can’t do the same. I told him I’d stop cutting, and I’m doing my best to stop. It’s not easy- I’ll tell you that- but I am making an effort, unlike him. It’s not that hard to tell that he hasn’t stopped- he doesn’t wear anything other than long sleeves, and I’ve seen his blade- I’ve seen the dried blood on it.

 

I know the signs of being a cutter better than he thinks- he’s not fooling me. I worry so fucking much about him, but he doesn’t seem to care. I love him with everything I have- and I have no fucking clue why a blade is better than me. By no means do I want to leave him…I’m just confused. I’m confused and stressed and I don’t want to bother Louis because he broke down over stress. He broke down because it got to be too much for him- and I don’t want it to happen again.

 

I know I’ll be okay. I may not seem like I’m any kind of stable- but I know that I’ll be okay eventually. I’m not going to kill myself. I’m stronger than that, and as much as I want to- damaging Ashton like that isn’t at all what I want to do. Ashton needs me, and it’s obvious. Same with Louis, even Niall. If I did _anything,_ they’d all fall apart as well- and I don’t have the heart to do that to them.

 

So I guess I’m just going to suffer in silence. Because that’s what I’m destined for, anyway.

 

…

 

“How’s he doing?”

 

Niall glances up at me, his face lined with stress as he continues to run his fingers through a sleeping Michael’s hair. “He cried himself to sleep,” Niall tells me shortly. “Not that you’d care.”

 

“Why the hell _wouldn’t_ I?” I mutter, glaring at him. “Michael is my brother, just as he’s yours.”

 

“You want to leave him, don’t you?” Niall growls. “You want to leave all of us because you’re done with it. Guess fucking what, Ash? I can bet my _ass_ Michael and Luke feel the same way- but neither of them is trying to commit fucking suicide. They know what the consequences will be. They know how badly it’ll affect the people who care about them. But all you can think about is yourself.”

 

“No, Ni, it’s not like that…” I falter, trying to communicate my frustration and not doing a very good job of it.

 

“Oh? Then tell me how it is, Ashton,” Niall shoots back. “How else can you explain wanting to kill yourself?”

 

“I…I don’t know…”

 

“That’s what I thought.” Niall glares at me, his gaze icy cold. “I don’t even think you’d _considered_ what’ll happen if you succeed. You can’t make Luke fall in love with you, and then leave him alone. Didn’t you promise you’d never leave him? The poor boy has been through fucking _enough_ , without you trying to kill yourself too.”

 

“I promised I’d never leave him, yes. But what about _me_?” I mutter. “Why is it always about you guys? Why can it never be about what I want? Because there are times when I want to cry. There are times when my head hurts so bad from the force of keeping my tears in. There are times when I want to _scream_. But I can’t, because I fucking know that _no one_ will hear me. You have supportive parents, Niall. You don’t need to go back and spend over a year in a house with parents who only care about your grades. You didn’t have to _raise_ your own brother and sister. My siblings look up to me like a goddamn _father_. So don’t fucking tell me to think of others, because that’s _all_ I’ve done. And the one time I want to take my own mental health into consideration, I get yelled at for it. Whatever Niall, I don’t have to listen to you. I know that eventually- even if I _don’t_ kill myself- I’ll _snap_. I’ll break, and guess what you guys will be doing then? Trying to pick up the pieces of something that _can’t_ be fixed.”

 

…

 

“Luke.”

 

I glance up, my eyes widening. “Ni? What’s wrong? You look awful…?”

 

My words are true- Niall is pale as fuck- shaking and trembling in the doorway of my room.

 

“You need to go talk to Ashton.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Because I’m afraid he’s gonna try and fucking _kill_ himself!”

 

“What?!” I jump to my feet, crossing the room in one stride, and staring at him. “What the _fuck_?!”

 

“I may’ve said something about him being selfish for being suicidal, and I think I made it worse…he’s so upset, Luke, you _need_ to talk to him,” Niall croaks. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea how broken he was, but he just told me that he’s about to snap. And that we won’t be able to pick up his broken pieces if he does.”

 

“Oh my fucking god…”

 

“ _Go_!” Niall raises his voice, staring at me brokenly. “Before he does something he’s going to regret.”

 

“Where is he?”

 

Niall swallows hard. “He went up to the roof.”

 

…

 

“Ashton! Ash, are you up here?”

 

I open the hatch leading up to the roof and heave my body onto the platform, searching. Sure enough, Ashton is there- sitting on the edge and staring at the ground below. He doesn’t seem to have noticed me- and I run over, scooting down beside him and looking at him desperately.

 

“Ashton?”

 

“Don’t,” Ashton says softly, his voice cold. “I don’t want to hear it. You’re gonna give me the same damn lecture Niall did, and I already know I’m a selfish dickhead. Go away.”

 

“And if I do, you’re gonna jump off this ledge, am I right?” I shoot back. “How did you even get _allowed_ up here? You’re suicidal as fuck.”

 

“It’s not hard to lie to the nurses. I told them fresh air and the quiet up here calms me down and helps me breathe. They’re dumbasses.” He shakes his head, staring at the tiny cars- twenty feet below us. “If I jumped, I’d die. Any fool knows that.”

 

“Which is why you’re not even gonna think about it.”

 

“Too late.” Ashton chuckles humorlessly. He pulls his blade out of his pocket and strokes the shiny, razor-sharp edge with the pad of his thumb. Not gonna lie, seeing it makes me itch to drive it into my skin, but I ignore it. It’s time to focus on Ashton right now. I am _not_ gonna lose my boyfriend.

 

“Ashton, please. Think rationally about this.”

 

“I _am_!” Ashton exclaims. “I’m done hurting, Luke! I’m done with how much pain I’m in! And no one gives a damn, because I’ll go home eventually, and I’ll be right back to square fucking one! Therapy and rehab don’t do _shit_ , if I have to live with my parents afterward! It’s _them_ who make me so suicidal!”

 

“Ash…”

 

“Stop it, Luke,” Ashton whispers. “Stop trying to fix what’s too broken.”

 

“You’re _not_ too broken. You’ll _never_ be too broken.”

 

“I’m broken beyond repair, Luke,” Ashton says heavily. “And I am going to drag this blade across my arm so fast you won’t have time to run and get help. I’ll bleed out long before then. So Luke, I guess, this is goodbye. I’m so sorry. I love you more than I’ve ever been able to say.”


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is later- I was out with family today, and I just finished writing. After this, there's gonna be one more chapter, and then an epilogue- the story will be done on Sunday.

Before I can do anything, Luke grabs my wrist in a death grip, the force making me wince. He pries the blade out of my hand, and I open my mouth to scream at him, but he shakes his head and beats me to it.

 

“You’re gonna yell at me, aren’t you?” Luke asks, his voice deathly calm. “You’re gonna protest and tell me how much you _need_ the blade, because you need that physical pain to take away from the emotional, and you need to see the crimson blood flow from your arm. And there are days when you don’t want to bandage and clean up your cuts, but you do it only for my sake, don’t you? I’m right, Ashton, aren’t I? Tell me I’m right.”

 

“Why are you doing this…?” I whisper, a tear streaming down my cheek. “Why don’t you let me die?”

 

Luke shakes his head once more, leaning up to kiss the tear away. “Because I love you. And I would give my last breath to make sure you _never_ try and take your own life _ever_ again.”

 

“Luke…”

 

“Stop trying to be a hero, Ashton,” Luke murmurs, his voice much more soothing. “Stop trying to pretend you can handle everything. Even Superman has his kryptonite, and even though you think you’re gonna be okay, you’re _not_. Not without someone’s help.”

 

“What do you _want_ from me?” I choke out. “You know everything!”

 

“I want you to break,” Luke replies. “I want you to cry, scream, do whatever you have to- to let all this pent up emotion out. I _don’t_ want you to do what you usually do, and go for the damn blade. Because we _both_ know that you’re better than that, and you’re definitely stronger than that. A stupid piece of metal can’t have that much power over you.”

 

And with that, he tosses the blade off the roof, and we both watch it flutter down in silence. “You’re a goddamn hypocrite! You cut too!”

 

“Really?” Luke asks. “I can’t say I have.” He pulls his sleeves up, and shows me his arms. I see no fresh cuts- only white scars that have healed long ago.

 

“What about your thighs?”

 

“I’m wearing shorts, Ashton.” Luke rolls his eyes. “Sport shorts. That can easily come up or shit. Would I really be wearing them if I had cuts on my legs? I’m not that stupid.”

 

“How the hell did you manage to stop?”

 

Luke smiles ruefully. “You.”

 

“Me? What do you mean?”

 

“Every time I go for a blade, I think of your heartbroken face, if you knew what I was about to do- and my conscience won’t let me do anything, after that. If I was still cutting, I wouldn’t have been able to toss your blade off this roof as easily as I did.”

 

“That’s my only blade…unless Michael can give me another…”

 

“No.” Luke grips my shoulders and forces me to look at him. “We are getting rid of this cutting habit. Michael is in too much of a fragile state to even think about giving you a blade right now- and Niall will make sure he doesn’t. You’re going to get better, Ashton. I _am_ going to make you better. And I’m not asking for your permission.”

 

…

 

I help Ashton down from the roof hatch, into the balcony. We walk out of the room, forcing fake smiles to the nurses, before reproaching our room. Ashton tenses, squeezing tightly to my hand. “I don’t wanna face them. Lou, Cal, Ni, Mikey…they all know what I tried to do…”

 

“We’re in a mental hospital, Ashton,” I mutter. “And Cal and Mikey have been there too. Louis dealt with the suicidal mess I used to be for years, he gets it- and Niall’s your best friend here. He’ll love you either way.”

 

“I wish he didn’t.”

 

“Ash, why don’t you think you deserve to be loved?” I ask him bluntly, stopping in the middle of the hallway and directing him to sit down on the floor. I plop down beside him and wrap an arm around his shoulders, feeling his tense posture and obvious fear.

 

“Because I’m not perfect,” Ashton says in a small voice. “My grades are awful, I can’t play sports, I’m shit at video games, I don’t like to do anything that guys do. I prefer to play the fucking _drums_ rather than socialize…should I go on?”

 

“There are no activities that are specifically feminine or masculine. I play guitar and sing all the time. That notebook you always see me writing in? I’m writing songs, Ash. I write songs and I play my music and I enjoy doing it. I don’t like any of that shit guys are “supposed” to like either. But no one cares. Everyone loves you for _you_ , not the things you like or what hobbies you have. I bet that if you loved the color pink and wore bras every day, they- and I- would still love you just the same.”

 

Ashton giggles at that, a small coming to his face. “You really mean that?”

 

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it,” I reply. “So are you ready to go in there?”

 

“Yeah, I guess I’m ready.”

 

…

 

“H-Hi guys…”

 

I press closer to Luke, as four pairs of eyes come up to rest on me. All four of them are hanging out in Louis and Calum’s room- and by the looks of it, they’re just sitting together and talking. Louis’ head is resting in Niall’s lap, and Michael’s head is- surprisingly- resting on Calum’s shoulder, as he presses buttons on his 3DS.

 

“Ash, thank god.” Michael and Niall jump up first, taking turns in pulling me into their arms and hugging me tightly.

 

When Michael hugs me, I whisper in his ear. “Are you okay?”

 

Michael nods. “Yeah. I know that my dad can’t come here and hurt me- Niall assured me of that.”

 

“Good,” I say, a feeling of relief coming to me. “That’s good.”

 

“Hey, you don’t get to hog him!” Louis’ voice rises in protest, as he hauls Michael away, taking his own turn to hug me. “You okay?”

 

“I will be,” I whisper shakily. “I’m still just…”

 

“I get it,” Louis says understandably. “But come talk to us, yeah? If you ever feel like that again…”

 

“I will,” I promise. “I will.”

 

After I hug Calum, Luke and I join our friends on the floor, but surprisingly, I notice Calum and Michael curling closer to each other, raising a question in my mind.

 

“Is something going on with you two?” I ask softly, glancing at both of them.

 

Michael tenses, and Calum grips his arm, before he nods, dyed blue fringe sweeping his face. “We’re together,” he says.

 

“You’re _what_?!”

 

Calum smiles shyly. “Yeah. We kinda clicked, after Cal came here…I mean, if that’s okay with you, Ash…”

 

“Since when do you two need my permission for anything?” I laugh, shaking my head. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. That’s all that matters.”

 

“We all may not be happy,” Luke says softly. “But we’re all gonna get there. We’re gonna get better, guys. Shit might be tough now, but the only way from here is up, and we’re gonna get there. Together.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may seem shorter, but it's actually longer than the last two. Next is the epilogue- so I hope you enjoy this, just one more to go.

_Two weeks later_

After I gave that speech about recovering and recovering together, things started to look up. Collectively- we all started to make progress. It wasn’t at all very _significant_ progress- mind you- but it was progress enough for us, enough for celebratory time with our significant others, I guess. All my friends have boyfriends (or girlfriends, in Niall’s case), and with the exception of Harry and Grace- they’re with them 24/7. It’s nice- having the love of your life beside you through recovery. Kinda helps the situation out.

 

Given, we’re all recovering at different speeds. Ashton is steadily trying to stop cutting, and he’s told me he hasn’t had any suicidal thoughts or feelings since that night on the roof- which is very good news. He definitely seems happier- his brother and sister have come to visit, and I met them. They liked me, I guess- Harry and Lauren are pretty adorable. Ashton is happier, and that’s all I want in life.

 

As for Niall- having Grace around him helps a lot. He’s still pretty afraid to eat- knowing he can’t throw up afterward, but the one-month streak has turned into a month and a half- and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t insanely proud of him. He’s definitely doing his best to recover- but I can’t help but feel a little bit of guilt- mainly because his eating disorder stemmed from a comment I made.

 

Michael- well, the fear of his father showing up definitely put a stunt in his recovery, but Ashton convinced him to throw his blade off the roof as well. So the four of us- him, Ash, me, and Cal- went up to the roof, and Calum helped him throw it off. It really was hard- the poor guy was a sobbing mess afterward, but it was definitely worth it. Calum seems to make him really happy- I’m happy for them both.

 

Louis…um, his bipolar disorder has gotten a tad worse. He has manic episodes- and he had one recently- screaming random things and scaring us. He managed to calm down with the threat of being moved back downstairs again- and his meds have been upped. He’s still trying to do too much- take care of me and focus his attention on me. It’s not working for him, and no matter what anyone says, he worries about me first- himself second. He shouldn’t be- and Harry is trying to change his mindset- slowly, but he’s making progress.

 

I don’t really talk to Calum that much- he and I don’t get the time. Ashton and Michael need us, and we’re devoted to them first, friendship second. But from what I can see, his therapy is going well- he’s managed to stop cutting, but I still see exhaustion and pain in his eyes- something tells me that quitting self-harm cold turkey was hard on him. I think he might be suicidal again- and that’s a point of worry in my mind. I want to tell Michael about it, but stressing him out even more is not on my to-do list at the moment.

 

Lastly…me. I guess I’m doing okay- I could be a lot better, honestly. I can’t cut anymore, and Ashton watches me every morning to make sure I swallow my pill, so I can’t use the emotional self-harm- I guess it’s been harder on me than I thought. What makes it so difficult- is how dependent I am on pain. When I got older, my stepfather’s beatings were like self-harm to me- only I wasn’t the one inflicting pain. But back then, any pain- in my eyes- was good. I’ve grown up with pain- and taking all forms of self-harm away is starting to take its toll on me. In other words, the suicidal thoughts are back- and there’s nothing I can do about them.

 

…

 

I’m worried about Luke. We sleep together every night- no, not in the way you’re thinking, you pervs. We spoon- he’s always the little spoon, but when I wrap him in my arms, I can feel him shaking- and it’s not because he’s scared. He’s shaking with sobs- crying when he thinks I’m asleep, and it’s really starting to concern me. I don’t know whether to confront him about it- Luke’s defense mechanism is anger- and that can be scary when he’s put in a tough situation.

 

“Ash?”

 

His voice snaps me back into reality- we’re sitting in Michael and Niall’s room- well, lately it’s become _Louis_ and Niall’s room, because Michael goes to Lou and Cal’s room every night to cuddle with his boyfriend. But either way, we’re sitting around on some chairs and just…well, we _were_ talking, but Niall is in therapy, and Harry is here, visiting, so we’re all basically cuddling with our significant others.

 

“Ash, I’m slipping,” Luke whines. Glances down, I do notice that my hold on him has weakened, and he’s about to slide right off my lap. Shaking my head, I laugh, lifting him back up and tightening my grip. I press a kiss to the side of his head, hugging him tightly, and he turns his head to press his lips to mine.

 

“Hey, cool it with the lip sex, I didn’t come here to watch you two make out!” Harry calls, his voice teasing.

 

We pull away from each other, and before I can say anything, Luke beats me to it. “Like your lips and Louis’ haven’t been locked together since you got here. You’re out of breath, because you two were kissing for so damn long.”

 

“And then we have the cuddling duo over here!” Louis announces, as we turn to Michael and Calum. They’re curled together, whispering to each other while placing sloppy kisses on each other’s cheeks and foreheads.

 

“We like cuddling, and Louis can shut his trap,” Michael replies, lifting his head.

 

Louis gasps in mock offense, and we all giggle, as Luke and I re-attach our lips.

 

“Great, now Lashton is gonna show us for exactly how long they can hold their breath!”

 

…

 

I stare at the shining piece of metal in my palm. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen one of these- it’s almost been two months since I used one. Even though I’ve been clean for almost sixty days, the urge is still there- stronger than ever. I’d give anything to just sink it into my skin and get that temporary release.

 

“Don’t do it.”

 

I whirl around, seeing my boyfriend standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. His face is serious, worry crossing his eyes. “Put the blade down, Luke.”

 

“Ashton, I…”

 

“No.” Ashton shakes his head, walking over and taking the blade from my hands, and setting it inside a dresser drawer, before pulling me into his arms and holding me tightly.

 

“What’s wrong, baby? You’ve looked awful, recently…”

 

“Thanks, I just _love_ hearing that…” I joke weakly.

 

Ashton gives me a look, and I sigh. “I dunno…I’m just feeling withdrawal…”

 

“You’ve been clean for almost two months, Lukey.” At this, Ashton sweeps my body into his arms and carries me over to his bed. He sits down, leaning against the headboard, and settles me against his chest, waiting for my response.

 

“I’m so used to pain…I just don’t know how to go on without it…”

 

“What do you mean, babe?”

 

“I mean…I grew up being beaten, and as horrible as it sounds, I got used to that…and then after I came here, I was cutting and burning myself, so the pain was still there…now that I have no form of pain, not even emotional pain, it’s just hitting me hard, I guess…”

 

Ashton’s eyes well with tears, but he refuses to let them fall, leaning down and pressing his lips to my forehead. “That’s the time when you should talk to me,” he whispers. “I love you, alright? I’m here for you.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry…”

 

“Don’t be,” Ashton replies gently. “It’s okay- everyone has slip-ups. The important thing is that you didn’t do it, and I am so proud of you for not doing it. It’s hard to resist- I know that firsthand- but you’re so strong. You’re beautiful, baby, and I promise you- life isn’t controlled by pain. Once we get out of here, I’m going to show you how amazing the world is- how happy you can be. You’ve had enough pain for two lifetimes- it’s time to show you what happiness is."


	30. Epilogue

_One month later_

 

“You all packed?”

 

I glance up into the doorway, a small smile crossing my face at the sight of my boyfriend. I rise to my feet, abandoning the picture frame in my hands, and go over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and kissing his head.

 

“Ash, you’re getting distracted,” Luke chides.

 

“I know,” I say sheepishly. “I’m almost done. Where’d you even go?”

 

“Louis wanted some help packing,” Luke replies. “Strange, isn’t it? How all six of us are being released on the same day?”

 

“It’s not strange, babe,” I tell him. “Lou, Ni, and I decided to wait for you, Mike, and Calum. It was only a week or so- we didn’t want to go without you guys.”

 

“You did that for us…?” Luke’s eyes soften, tears shining in them.

 

I shake my head, pressing my lips to his. “Don’t cry. Go be a cockblock for Malum, will you? If it were up to them, all they’d be doing a hell of a lot of kissing, and not enough packing.”

 

Luke rolls his eyes. “Got that right. You gonna be okay to finish up?”

 

“Yeah, I’ve just got a few more pictures and some clothes, I should be done in the next ten minutes.”

 

“Good, we leave at noon. It’s 11:30 right now,” Luke tells me.

 

“I know.” I press another kiss to his lips, before pulling back and kissing his forehead. “Go ahead. I’ll join you when I’m done.”

 

Luke nods, flashing a smile, before hefting his duffel bag onto his shoulder, and walking across the hall.

 

I go back to the picture frame, turning it over in my hands. It’s a picture of when I was about eight or nine- Harry was just a baby, and Lauren was around two or three. It’s a family picture, my mom is holding Harry, and Lauren is sitting on my dad’s lap. I’m in the middle- all of us are smiling, innocence in every face. We had no idea how badly our family would be wrecked. Dad left the year after, but the divorce also ended in joint custody, so I had to visit him occasionally. And mom turned into this stonehearted, cold monster.

 

I really miss my old family…especially since I’m not returning. I’m buying a flat with Luke, right near Michael and Calum, Louis and Harry, and Niall and Grace. I’m tired of living by my parents’ ruling. I’ve filed for emancipation- everything has been approved. Luke was legally emancipated when he was fifteen- it was a shocker when I heard it for the first time- but it means he can live with me legally and no one will have a say in it.

 

My parents we’re at all thrilled by the news of my emancipation- but my case was extremely strong- everyone backed me up fully- there was no reason for them _not_ to sign those documents, so they did, and everything was finalized. I was a legally emancipated minor- under no control of my parents- free to live my life the way I choose, and most of all, free to be happy.

 

I guess I’m ready to leave the past behind. The past has done nothing but hurt me- it’s time to move on.

 

…

 

“You guys ready?”

 

I grin, as I receive five nods in return. The six of us grab our bags, and take our final steps out of Riverfront- where Harry and Grace are waiting. In a thunder of footsteps the two of them run over to Louis and Niall, and the smile on my face widens. Grace pulls Niall into a tight hug, and Harry and Louis smash their lips together- not exactly making out- but kissing lovingly and passionately.

 

I keep my free arm around Luke’s waist, and he leans his head on my shoulder, as we walk down the steps. There are taxis parked in front of the building- ready to take us to our new homes.

 

We’re all sharing the same flat building, so I guess that’s good. Glancing at Luke, he nods to me, and we rush toward a car, shoving our bags in the trunk, before getting in and curling into each other.

 

“We’re good, Ash,” Luke whispers. “We’re good.”

 

…

 

“Welcome to your new home!” Harry’s voice is bright and cheerful, as he unlocks our flat. I heft my bag higher on my shoulder and step inside, gazing at the spotless room with tears in my eyes. Never did I imagine being able to do this- live in a flat of my own with my boyfriend. I thought I’d die in that old mental hospital- I never thought I’d make it.

 

“Lou? Do you like it?”

 

I snap out of my thoughts, eyes focusing on Harry’s hopeful face. Grinning, I surge forward and press my lips to his, kissing him desperately. He kisses back with just as much vigor, and once we pull away, a grin to mirror mine is forming on his face.

 

“So that’s a yes?”

 

“That’s a hell yes, babe,” I tell him. “I love it. And I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Louis,” Harry says warmly. “I’m so proud of you.” He pulls me into a hug, kissing the top of my head, and I sigh.

 

“I’m bipolar, Haz. I’m sick and there’s no cure for it.”

 

“You’re bipolar- that doesn’t change who you are as a person. It’s a mental disorder, love. Lots of people have them- in fact, your five best friends do. I love you just the way you are- your bipolar disorder changes nothing. You’ll lead a normal life, just as long as you take your meds.”

 

“You mean that?”

 

Harry nods fervently. “I do. We’re gonna be fine, Lou. We’re going to be okay.”

 

…

 

“We’re next door to Larry Stylinson,” Calum groans, as we drag our bags to our flat door. We’re gonna hear the moaning and the headboards and I am not looking forward to it.”

 

“Stop being so negative, Cal,” I chide. “Being next to the makeout magees is unfortunate, but have you forgotten that you have the keys to our own _flat_?”

 

Calum brightens up a bit, pulling the key ring from his pocket. “You wanna unlock it, or should I?”

 

“Do the honors, my love,” I tell him softly. He nods, inserting the key into the keyhole and unlocking the door.

 

We step inside, and the beauty of it all overwhelms me. We did it. This is our own flat- one that we’re gonna live in until the end of time. Okay, maybe not if we buy a house when we decide to adopt kids, but you get the idea.

 

I never thought I’d end up with someone like Calum. I love this boy so much- you don’t even understand. I know some people might think it weird- I met him after he almost caused Ashton to commit suicide- but he apologized- and I found out about his past, and I see why he did what he did. I really love him- he understands me, he holds me through bad nights, and I know I’ll be okay with him.

 

Calum presses a kiss to my cheek, sweeping my body into his arms, and I squeal in shock, hanging onto his neck tightly.

 

“Don’t worry, I won’t drop you,” Calum laughs, sitting down on the couch. I squirm a bit, adjusting against him, and sigh softly.

 

“Now, what do ya say we have a cuddling session that Larry Stylinson _aren’t_ going to interrupt?”

 

“That sounds perfect.”

 

…

 

“I promised you this would happen, didn’t I?” Niall grins at me, and I nod eagerly, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

 

“You have the keys, don’t you?”

 

He nods. “Ash and Luke are a couple doors down- Malum and Larry Stylinson are down a floor, but we’re all pretty close, aren’t we?”

 

“Yep,” I reply. “It’s kinda nice- our friends will help us.”

 

Niall leans over and presses his lips to mine, before grabbing the keys and unlocking the door. He pushes it open and holds the door for me, as I grab my bag and walk inside. He follows with his own, before shoving the door closed and setting his duffel down.

 

“We made it, sweetheart,” Niall says softly. “We did it.”

 

“You never thought we’d do it, but we did,” I reply, kissing him quickly. “We’re survivors, babe.”

 

“We are. And to think- I thought I’d never get out of that goddamn mental institution.”

 

“Recovery isn’t easy, but it’s possible,” I remind him. “And you haven’t purged in over two months. I’m so fucking proud of you.”

 

“How’s your depression, though?” Niall asks worriedly.

 

“Under control. I was prescribed anti-depressants, remember? They’re doing their job.”

 

“Good.” Niall pulls me into a hug, walking me over to the couch. “We’ll unpack later. For now, cuddling.”

 

“I can agree with that,” I reply. “I love you so much.”

 

“You too, baby,” Niall promises. “You got your wish, baby. Out of the mental hospital, into this flat, with me for the rest of our lives. Couldn’t be better, could it?”

 

“I don’t think so,” I laugh, leaning over to kiss him again.

 

…

 

“We’re finally home!”

 

“It’s nice to hear you call it that,” I say. “Home. This is our home from now on.”

 

“Even though we’re just stepping inside for the first time now,” Luke replies. “This place feels more like home than any other place I’ve lived in.”

 

“Same here,” I tell him honestly, as he unlocks the door. “This place feels different. A good different, of course. I’m ready to move on with our lives. We’ve spent too much time wallowing in our own pain and misery- it’s time to let that go.”

 

“You’re absolutely right, Ash,” Luke nods, as he pushes open the door. “Go ahead in, babe.”

 

He follows me inside, shutting the door behind us, before crossing the floor, over to me. I pull him into my arms, holding him tightly and kissing his head. “I love you,” I whisper. “I love you so much.”

 

“Love you more.” A faint blush creeps over Luke’s cheeks, making him look absolutely adorable. I coo at the sight, lifting him into my arms, feeling his grip on me tighten- as he hangs onto my neck.

 

I sit down on the couch, and squeeze him tightly, pressing kisses to his head. “I never thought this would happen…”

 

“What, recovering?” Luke’s words are muffled by my shirt, as he traces patterns on the fabric.

 

“That, and us. Like this. When I first came to Riverfront, you couldn’t stand me. And now we can’t stand to be away from each other. It’s amazing how time flies, isn’t it?”

 

“Ash, I’m…”

 

“No, Lukey, I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. I love you. I understand why you were such an asshole at first. Don’t worry about it- everything’s okay,” I reassure him, as he tilts his head up to press our lips together.

 

“I love you too,” Luke murmurs. “I’m so proud of you.”

 

“Likewise. We’ve both worked so hard, and our reward is the best thing I could ever ask for.”

 

“You’re the best thing I could ever ask for, Ashton.”

 

I grin, pulling him closer. We’ve finally made it. I came into Riverfront- angry and alone, thinking I’d never recover. Thinking that when I got out of there, I’d go straight back to my parents. But now I’m here. In my own flat. With the boyfriend I love more than anything. When they say that things _can_ get better, they’re not wrong. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time- but in the end, everything works out. I’m done with the pain. I’m ready to enjoy my live, with Luke by my side. My demons don’t control me anymore. I may never fully recover from the depression- but I’m happy now, and that’s all that matters.

 

And I owe it all to Michael, Niall, Louis, Calum, and most of all, Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I cannot thank you guys _enough_ for the amount of support I've received for this story. It's truly incredible- and I'm so grateful to each and every single one of you- your kind words are what inspired me to keep writing. You guys have been amazing- truly amazing, with over 500 kudos, and over 8,000 hits...you definitely blew me away. Basically, thank you guys so much. I love you all.
> 
> Another thing- for Rejects, Cashton/Muke and Lashton/Malum are currently tied. Last chance to vote- pick either one, the one with the most votes at the end is the winner. Rejects should be posted next weekend- most likely the 7th- I want to take this week to work on That Was Then, This is Now- I've neglected it for this story.
> 
> Final thing- school starts for me on Wednesday. This means that every other day updates will _not_ happen. I'm sorry, but I do need to focus on schoolwork. So you'll get a chapter of That Was Then, This is Now, every Saturday, and a chapter of Rejects, every Sunday. This is _hopefully_ how it will work. If I have more schoolwork, or if anything comes in the way, I'll try to post the chapter as soon as I can, but school does need to come first. 
> 
> Again, thank you all so much- it's been an amazing journey. I hope you'll enjoy Rejects as much as you enjoy this.


	31. Announcement

Hey guys.

I have an announcement.

I'm going to be writing a story called Unwell: Prompts. Basically, it's gonna be a bunch of requested oneshots in this universe. When I say requesting, I mean that for now, I'm only writing stuff you guys request. I'm going to do these in order- there will be a running list of prompts, and I can promise that I will eventually get to yours, considering it meets the requirements. 

Requirements: no smut (I don't feel comfortable writing it, simple as that. If you request smut, expect the request to be ignored) and no death (I'm not killing any of these characters- you can request suicide attempts, but no one is dying).

So there you are- I'm looking forward to requests- they can be Larry, Malum, Griall (Niall/Grace), or Lashton. Liam and Zayn can definitely show up- I'd love to write Zayn's backstory, or bring Liam into the entire Luke and Niall thing. 

Here's a list- just as a refresher

Ashton - depressed, self-harmer, suicidal, has anxiety  
Luke - depressed, schizophrenic, suicidal, self-harmer  
Michael - depressed, suicidal, self-harmer, has anxiety  
Calum - depressed, suicidal, self-harmer  
Niall - depressed and bulimic  
Grace - chronic depression  
Louis - bipolar disorder  
Zayn - self-harmer, anorexic, suicidal, depressed

Harry and Liam are fine, that's why they're not on the list.

Last thing- updates will be sporadic. You can follow my tumblr (shoonderp), to get updates, and you can request things there as well, but prompts will be posted as I write them. Keep in mind, I'm busy with school and the such, and next week, I'm starting to get back into running again, so I don't have that much time. 

I hope you guys enjoy this surprise.


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